Feedback needed on these lyrics

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kimm336
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Feedback needed on these lyrics

Post by kimm336 » Wed Sep 09, 2020 4:12 pm

VERSE:
Although we’re miles away, you’re always on my mind
I miss our talks at night as we shared the best of times
Now everything is changing, and it will never be the same
My tears start flowing at the mention of your name.

CHORUS:
What I wouldn’t give just to see you and know for myself that you’re okay
How I wish that I could have you sitting next to me… if only for a day
I’m always thinking of you although we’re far apart
Even though I can’t see you, I can touch you with my heart.

VERSE:
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I’m finding out that its true
The memories are good and I hold them close, but its not like having you
I hope that soon this will all be over and we can get back to where we used be
I can hardly wait to hold you in my arms and feel your love flowing back to me

CHORUS:
What I wouldn’t give just to see you and know for myself that you’re okay
How I wish that could have you sitting next to me… if only for a day
I’m always thinking of you although we’re far apart
Even though I can’t see you, I can touch you with my heart.



BRIDGE:
You’re important to me and I want you to know, I hope we’re never apart again
My times with you always bring me so much joy, may our friendship never end…



CHORUS:
What I wouldn’t give just to see you and know for myself that you’re okay
How I wish that could have you sitting next to me… if only for a day
I’m always thinking of you although we’re far apart
Even though I can’t see you, I can touch you with my heart.

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funsongs
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Re: Feedback needed on these lyrics

Post by funsongs » Wed Sep 09, 2020 5:17 pm

Hi Kim... just first glance, and not beyond the first Verse -
REMEMBER: it's just one OPINION... (Your Mileage May Vary) :? :P

1) I looked for the strongest line of it to be the first, opening line - and the first one to mention "you" - to object of your song;
2) Removed/replaced contracted words - i.e. instead of "you're" - "you are";
3) Removed/cut out words that are unnecessary, when you can deliver the same meaning with the fewest words...
and came up with this...
too much?

VERSE:
Tears start flowing at the mention of your name
I miss our talks at night as we shared the best of times
Now everything is changing, and it will never be the same
'though miles apart, you are always on my mind
Peter Rahill - aka "funsongs"
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
You Tube channel: Peter Rahill

“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra

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cosmicdolphin
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Re: Feedback needed on these lyrics

Post by cosmicdolphin » Fri Sep 11, 2020 2:15 pm

If I grab a guitar and just make up some chords the verse seems to have a nice flow to it, it's easy to sing. Good line length / meter. It feels more like a slower ballad-y type song

It's good that you kept the lyrics universal but they feel a little vanilla and bland at the start...nothing grabs me - Agree with Pete that line 4 is stronger for sure..it has a much stronger emotional pull but I wouldn't change the rhyming scheme personally I think worked better how it was so maybe just switch the lines around and write a stronger line 3 & 4. Something with more imagery maybe. Here is my idea FWIW

---------------------
VERSE:
Tears they started flowing at the mention of your name.
Now everything is changing, and we'll never be the same
Though the distance stands between us, you’re always on my mind
I miss the way you looked at me and shared the best of times
----------------------

The chorus seems too wordy to me , it feels more like it should be something like ...( just shortening stuff..a few tweaked words...I still reckon some of the lines would need work )

----------------------

What I wouldn’t give to see you and know that you’re okay
How I wish that I could hold you … if only for a day
I’m always thinking of you even though we’re miles apart
I know though you can't see me, you will always touch my heart.

-----------------------

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