First song up for critiques

[exiled]

Hi everyone!So I just joined taxi, and am ready to start my songwriting education with you guys. There are some incredible songwriters on this board, so I would love to get some critiques (good and bad) so I can improve my craft.The song I am submitting today is called "Disappear", and I wrote it with a pop rock/AC style in mind. Here's the link:http://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_ ... eam=trueDo you think it is on target for this style? And is it up to snuff? Please critique any aspect you want, music, lyrics, production... I want to improve all of them! By the way, somebody told me they got a crossover country-pop vibe from this song... Do you think it would work with some arrangement changes?I should warn you that english is not my primary language, so writing lyrics is hell to me (collaboration, anyone?).I posted a message in the General Hangout forum introducing myself, for those who just want to say hi. Thanks a million!DISAPPEARlove, I think I need to tell you how I feel'cause suddenly nothing seems real anymoreand love, there's something going on that just ain't right'cause lately when I hold you tight you just look boredif you still feel like I doyou really need to tell me socause I'm not sensing it from youand I've had thoughts of letting gocause I've grown tired of all these tearsand now I fear that I could disappearif something's wrong just say it clearcause someday soon I might not be so nearso if you care, do something while I'm still hereor I could disappearlove, I never thought I'd say these words to youbut there's a chance we wont get through after allbut when I lie awake at nightoh how I want to beg you pleaseto come and make it all alrightbut I wont get down on my kneesif you're not stayin' then what's to gain?cause I've grown tired of all these tearsand I just fear that I could disappearif something's wrong just say it clearcause someday soon I might not be so nearso if you care, do something while I'm still hereor I could disappearoh how I wish that I could make you see the world through my eyesthen you would know the great mistake we're headed for, of this I'm surecause I've grown tired of all these tearsand now I fear that I could disappearif something's wrong just say it clearcause someday I might be too far to hearso if you care, please try hard to keep me nearor I could disappear

[geo]

Welcome aboard not a bad tune... don't take this personally but a singer could help you out, not everyone has pipes, like me, very tramatic when I got kicked outa choir as a kid, luckily my best friend's a pretty good singer. BTW I recently had success on craigslist.com when I put in an ad for a female lead vocalist... got 10 replies in one day an all I offered was a free demo CD. (The songs I wrote them singing )The mix needs some attention, the verses sound sparse, instuments need to come up in the mix a bit.http://taxi.proboards27.com/index.cgi?b ... 486086This link is for Newbies... FAQ and such...Peace... Geo

[hummingbird]

I would call this Teen Pop rather than pop rock/AC. Nice harmonies and the production is sounds pretty good as well, altho I think the 'mids' need to come up a bit. Vocals are good, but sound a teeny bit dry to me. Did you use a pop screen, cause I'm hearing artifacts in the vocal line. Back up vocals sometimes sound too far back in the mix.My first feeling is that the intro is too long. Play that riff once and get into the song (at 8 secs in). That would help the chorus get in sooner. There's a good lift into the first chorus but I miss background vocals there.The voice goes up and sings suddenLY, which seems odd to me as an English speaker - we'd say sudDENly.I like the vibe of the song... the chorus is catchy & I'm singing it after one listen, which is good. Lyrically I'm not sure if the chorus does all it can. I will think about it and post later if I have any ideas on how to tweak it.Hope That HelpscheersHummin'bird

[vicky]

hey there,good job...I like the vocals...I think there is a place for this kind of singing....especially in the rock listings....if you roughed up the vocal it could even be a punk-ish ballad....'Good Riddance' Green DayAC style has more going on in the melody....IMO....the ala's for this are usually what I call over-singers ....meaning they love to noodle the end of phrases, and can't seem to just hold a note out.....with that said, if you had a singer that sang like this maybe it would be easier to find a home in the listings,....more options...the background vocals are very good....Hummin'bird is very good with lyrics (among other things) and had some good advice....let us know how it turns out,good luck,Vicky

[geo]

Reviewing my post before I go... had another listen and wanted to clarify the vocal comment... just the chorus would sound awesome with a big I dunno "Heart style" treatment, love that sound, big, dramatic stuff, or even Benatar..... not suggestion you (or whoever is singing) should hide in the closet and never sing again, by no means, just as I said I heard this really cool big rock chorus in my head.... I'd love to hear an update if you ever rework this one.. Geo

[exiled]

Hey Geo! Don't worry, if I'm asking for critiques then I should be glad to get them, right? Yeah, it's me singing in the demo... I know that I have a weird voice, that has worked for my advantage in some situations, and against me in others...I'l look into the site you recommended to see if I can contact any suitable (and cheap) singers. Thanks for listening!Hummingbird, thanks a million for your thoughtful review. I agree with you about the intro, I will cut it in half so that the song moves along quicker. I would love to get some lyrical suggestions from you, so please comment away!Vicky, hi again! I know AC has a lot more vocal gimmicks, but I simply can't sing that way... And I want to work the song up to it's full potential before thinking of getting a singer to work on it...What types of listings do you guys think this song would work for?Again, thanks a million for your time and help!

[arkjack]

Overall I like the song. It has good structure, I get what the song is about subject wise. I think the other comments are valid that it is more pop rock, but does have crossover potential. The production sounds very tight, and I was wondering if was studio produced or home studio. Vocals to me sound great, on pitch and your own style. Everything on the track sounds great to my ears and I can't think of any changes to suggest.ArkJack

[exiled]

hey arkjack! now that's the kind of critiques I like to hear! No, seriously I really appreciate your comment and am glad you liked the song. It was home recorded, so your comment makes me think I'm on the right track.Thanks a ton for listening!

[ibanez468]

exiled,Very good! I listened a couple of times. I like. Vocs are good. Some very small pitchy areas, but nothing major, or anything that REALLY brings your attention to 'em. Vocal harmonies are good. Don't know if it fits the correct genre or not, but I'd say it's a forward somewhere down the road. Hummingbird makes a good point about the dryness of the vocs. Perhaps wetting the lead and BG vocs up a touch (maybe a little reverb, maybe some delay in certain spots) will really enhance them. Somethin' to play around with. JMO. Good luck to ya'.ibanez468

[diogenes]

I really like this song. I think it has a very good arrangement. I think the vocals are fine, but I would like hear some more prominent harmony's. Especially on the first pre-chorus, on lines "need to tell me so" and "had thoughts of letting go". I think the production is great, sounds well suited to this song. I think the chorus could somehow be a little bigger too, not sure how exactly, maybe some big fuzz power chords? but anyhow, good song. Good luck.-Dax