FLY, my first draft

jemusix · Post by **jemusix** » Mon Dec 06, 2010 8:53 am

Hi, this is the first draft of the first verse and chorus of my song titled fly, i would like you all to be honest about the lyrics, it is written as a mid tempo pop tune.

Verse 1
When I look into your eyes,
I Feel something i cant hide no no,
(no no)
When I stop to think
Of all the good you've brought to me,
It makes me feel so light,
(light light)

Bridge
Don't tell me that I need,
(anything, but you)
Your all I need

Chorus
I would fly through the sky,
I would feel so high,
Because of your love girl,
Because of your love,
I would fly with the wind,
I have already sinned,
Because of you love girl,
Because of your love,

DonaldM · Post by **DonaldM** » Mon Dec 06, 2010 2:48 pm

jemusix wrote:Hi, this is the first draft of the first verse and chorus of my song titled fly, i would like you all to be honest about the lyrics, it is written as a mid tempo pop tune.

Verse 1
When I look into your eyes,
I Feel something i cant hide no no,
(no no)
When I stop to think
Of all the good you've brought to me,
It makes me feel so light,
(light light)

Bridge
Don't tell me that I need,
(anything, but you)
Your all I need

Chorus
I would fly through the sky,
I would feel so high,
Because of your love girl,
Because of your love,
I would fly with the wind,
I have already sinned,
Because of you love girl,
Because of your love,

I can easily hear this as a pop tune. Could just as easily be a Allison Ireheta kind of tune.

If I might suggest re-thinking a couple of lines or words. "It makes me feel so light"... "light" doesn't seem to be the right word there. But I don't know what is either. You might be able to get away with a 2 or 3 syllable word there to, depending on the music. At least rhythmically it could work. I could hear 3 notes on that one word.

Also the phrase "I have already sinned" doesn't seem to fit the theme of the rest of the chorus which evokes images of flying, clouds, wind, etc. I know you were trying to rhyme with 'wind' there. Maybe another word for wind...breeze, perhaps? I don't know.

Those are my $0.02 Over all, I think it could be a neat tune, if you get the right groove with it. Do you have music for it already in mind?

Donald M

jemusix · Post by **jemusix** » Tue Dec 07, 2010 7:23 am

I do not have any music for it at the momentand I have made a few changes to the lyrics since then which I will be posting shortly.

jemusix · Post by **jemusix** » Thu Dec 09, 2010 12:28 pm

This is a slightly updated version of the lyrics for FLY, however i still could not find any substitutes for the line "I have already sinned" so any suggestions would be appreciated. basically on this one i took out the background vocals on the verse and left them open, and changed light to carefree.

FLY

Verse 1
When I look into your eyes,
I Feel something i cant hide no no,

When I stop to think
Of all the good you've brought to me
I feel carefree

Bridge
Don't tell me that I need,
(anything, but you)
Your all I need

Chorus
I can fly through the sky,
I feel so high,
Because of your love girl,
Because of your love,
I can fly with the wind,
I have already sinned,
Because of you love girl,
Because of your love,

fret17 · Post by **fret17** » Thu Dec 09, 2010 1:26 pm

Hi jemusix.....Hard to tell without hearing the music if the lyrics will sell....frankly...this has been said a million times in songs...but maybe when it's placed in the music and sung it'll be good enough to be the million and one....but the "sinned" line doesn't belong at all..just because it's a perfect rhyme, that doesn't mean it belongs there....maybe a vowel rhyme instead that goes along with the topic..for example:

I can fly through the sky,
I feel so high,
Because of your love girl,
Because of your love,
I can ride on the wind,
To a place I've never been
Because of you love girl,
Because of your love,

granted...been said before....but it fits in the picture..ya know?...sinned is so out of left field it sticks out like a hotdog in a sundae....my 2 cents fwiw......

jemusix · Post by **jemusix** » Thu Dec 09, 2010 5:48 pm

are you ok with me using the line you suggested To a place i've never been?

also to the people whom have replied with reviews and suggestions i really appreciate it and would like more reviews as well as i make revisions. it is important to me that i make good quality music with great quality lyrics so to ensure i get the best i ask others.

thank you. and please be on the lookout for further revisions

fret17 · Post by **fret17** » Fri Dec 10, 2010 5:58 am

jemusix wrote:are you ok with me using the line you suggested To a place i've never been?

also to the people whom have replied with reviews and suggestions i really appreciate it and would like more reviews as well as i make revisions. it is important to me that i make good quality music with great quality lyrics so to ensure i get the best i ask others.

thank you. and please be on the lookout for further revisions

LoL....No ..I don't have a problem with you using it for your song..lol.... it isn't as if I was the first to think of it .....

FLY, my first draft

FLY, my first draft

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