Goodbye before Hello

[br1]

Staring up the stairs of no returnAnd the fiery wreckage that brought those stairs to meAll I remember is a trucks rear endAnd wondering if this'll be the last thing I seeYou'd think I'd be allowed to knowOr given some kind of warning Some kind of feeling when I wake up in the morningYou'd think I'd be allowed to chooseMy last sights on this earthSo many things I wanted to see and do firstAll I can see in my headIs my wife all alone On her delivery bedWithout a hand to holdThoughts of my unborn babyAnd how come tomorrowHe'll have to wave goodbyeBefore he can even say helloI rap on the window of my carTrying to wake me up, begging me please don't give upI realise that it's a waste of timeBut if I'm already dead then my time's never really upYou'd think I'd be allowed to knowThe time limit I've been givenSo I could devote all of that time to really livingYou'd think I'd be allowed to chooseWhen or how I goTo be around long enough to watch my own kid growAll I can see in my headIs my wife all alone On her delivery bedWithout a hand to holdThoughts of my unborn babyAnd how come tomorrowHe'll have to wave goodbyeBefore he can even say helloThey say life's no fun if there's no mysteryI say life's no fun if you can't spend your time with those you loveAll I can see in my headIs my wife all alone On her delivery bedWithout a hand to holdThoughts of my unborn babyAnd how come tomorrowHe'll have to wave goodbyeBefore he can even say hello

[momof4]

wow...this is really sad. i see where you're coming from, and you've obviously got a message here, but i'm wondering if maybe you could tell it from a different point-of-view and make it more powerful? also, you might not want to state the facts so blatantly...i've heard that it pays to try and be clever about saying things so that the listener knows what you're saying but it doesn't come across like a journal entry. does that make sense? like, instead of saying that you can see your wife alone, giving birth, the unborn baby, etc., maybe say, if you changed the POV and directed it TO the wife, "All I can see is you without me, and the son I'll never get to know, having to wave goodbye before he can even say hello" or something like that. Just my thought. I really do like the last 2 lines of your chorus, though - gripping hook...just maybe try to tell the story a little better????just my thoughts. erin

[Casey H]

Very sad stuff...I don't know what genre this is targeted for but I'll assume country. So I'll say up front that country is not at all my area. I also hate reviewing lyrics without music because sometimes what doesn't read well sounds great with the music.So here is MHO: My reaction is that the story is told with too many words and maybe in a more complex manner than needed. I like Momof4's idea on how to express your fear of your baby growing up without you. "Delivery bed" may be just too much (too "blatant" was a good description). Sometimes being too poetic isn't good. The first two lines using the "stairs of no return" seem awkward to me. It's a little too forced. I also don't think you should use the word "staring" or "stairs" three times in 2 lines-- too repetitive and that many "S"'s are tough to sing.Reviewers will also tell you to simply say what you want to say. Too "cutesy" is less desirable than just plain conversation-- how would you say something if you were just talking to a friend?Even if you are writing just lyrics right now, it's good think about the sing-ability of the words. Try singing the words to any melody. For example, "My last sights on this earth"... A lot of "s" sounds... Think about how words start and end vowel/consonant-wise and whether you've created a mouthful.What is your goal? This song has very depressing subject matter. There is nothing wrong with that for personal expression- many of us write songs like that. Commercially, it might be a tough sell-- a song about someone in a car crash wondering if he is going to die. You'd have to 'soften' it a lot. If your not concerned about the commercial potential, then maybe make it the best song you can with this subject matter. I hope these thoughts have some value...Regards,Casey

[br1]

Momof4, thanks for popping in. Your suggestion on the chorus is definitely appreciated. I like it, problem is I've had people tell me how much they like the present chorus. As you might guess, I'm on the fence here. Ack.Casey, thanks for popping in, the thoughts definitely meant something alright. Your suggestions in verse 1 are on the button, I didn't even notice how many 'stares/stairs' I had there *laughs* And that was with me singing it.And yes, I do sing my lyrics while I write them, it's a must for me. If it doesn't flow right, and I notice it, it's gone. The line you highlighted in concern of that is safe, at least in my eyes(ears)Commercial would certainly be cool, but not if I have to soften it. I'm certainly not trying to be ignorant to the neccesities of the commercial market, but I still feel that a song with some meaning popping over every now and again wouldn't hurt. Then again, I guess it's not what the public wants to hear, sometimes. hehEither way, lots of food for thought here. Much appreciated, the both of youCheers