Heart On The Line -Please Critique My Work, Want Make Better

[Mixx]

Heart On The Line

Verse:
I gotta get ready
I'm on the run
Louis Vitton, baby
I'm feeling fun
I've spent all my time
Trying to get through to you
Tell my plans don't cry
I won't forget you
As crazy as it seems
You mean so much to me
So I put my heart on the line

Verse:
I don't know why
I can't get a smile from you
I'm twisted blue inside
I'm hung up a loving fool
I wanted company
Not unappreciated dreams
Don't like the misery
That's come over me
As crazy as it seems
You mean so much to me
So I put my heart on the line

Hook:
Can you hear me this time?
With my shoes on
Do you like my style?
I can care about you
And let go too
You've had enough of me
I'm no longer free
I got things to do
I'm not wasting time on you

Verse:
This is my life
I'm on the run
Open road in my sight
I'm free to have fun
Got no regrets
In what I choose
You can cast your bets
I said I'm through
As crazy as it seems
He meant too much to me
So, I'm leaving my heart on the line


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MESSAGE FROM MIXX:

Hey Everyone, tell me what you think. I am not a professional on the radio so I am always up for rewrites. Opinions welcome. Thanks. Mixx

[Kelil]

Starts out really well but at the moment of the hook you say you care about her and then tell her that your not gonna waste your time on her. Sounds contradictory and doesnt make sense. But another than that your off to a good start my friend.

stephen

[Mixx]

Thanks Stephen, I will think about this lyric more......

[Kelil]

No problem Mixx. Also. with regards to rhyming. Think about some more prolific Rhymes. Rather than have words that rhyme at the end of your sentences such as ''you'' and then ''do'' and then ''fine'' and ''time'' you could branch out a bit more. These rhymes are lovely when used once or twice. But when these style of rhymes dominate a song it can make it sound very cliche and uninteresting.

Another interesting form of Rhyming is to take one word and Rhyme it with two. For example ( and forgive me for using my own song here.) My song ''Arrabella'' will use rhymes such as the following:

Phyciatrist says ''why dont you put pen to paper?
Make yourself a list of all the reasons why you cant escape her''

See what I did there with ''paper'' and ''escape-her''?

Or instead look at words that rhyme like: Station and nation. But you can change that to something like Station and then Makin' or waitin. It sounds less cliche than the previous station and nation. What you think?

So try and branch out a little more there.

[Mixx]

Stephen, thanks again....and interesting tips. All the best.

[mikeShort]

Unless I'm totally lost, there's a pronoun problem in the last verse. You've got "He" after singing about "You" the whole time.

I'm also having tone issues. In the first verse, "I'm having fun." In the second "I'm twisted blue." But I think it can be fixed pretty easily (well, the trick is easy ... it will still be a lot of work!). If the first verse in in the present tense, and the second verse is in the past tense, I think it would work well ... I WAS blue, but now I'm having fun, because as much as you meant to me (and still do), I'm putting you in the past.

I don't know how helpful this is, but technically ... what you labeled a Hook is the Bridge. Your Hook is the refrain, which is also the title of the song, so that's a good thing: "So I put my heart on the line" is your hook.

I had to relearn terminology. What I used to call a Refrain is really a Chorus. Then there's a pre-chorus (also called a lift, which makes it even worse). There is so much to learn, and Taxi is a great place to learn it, even if you never get a forward (or don't for a long, long time).