Help with lyrics tweak

[adrienne]

I'm thinking of tweaking some lyrics on a song I already had demoed because of feedback I've received. The feedback has been positive except that some felt the original first verse was unclear or not strong enough. So before I spend the money to have it fixed, I was hoping to get some feedback on alternate lyrics. The song is called "We Sing" and you can play it from my TAXI page at: www.taxi.com/adrienneI'll paste the lyrics below and the yellow words are the changes I've made. Please let me know what you think. If you don't think it's a strong opening, please let me know. I also made one change in the 2nd verse which always bothered me because I didn't like how the 2nd verse and bridge started with the same words (I didn't realize that till after I had it demoed). I think this change also helps set up the time sequence a bit better too....what do you think? Thanks!We Sing(c) 2008 Adrienne LeopoldTraveling down south, on a warm September night Day dreaming as I watch the world go byPicturing tomorrow and what the day might bringMaybe I’ll meet my love at first sightBut on that midnight train to Georgia is where I found the one Through tears we say our vows, we’ve only just begun ChorusSometimes we cry Sometimes we laugh Sometimes we die Sometimes we dance Sometimes we feel we’ve had enough of everything life brings Sometimes we feel like giving up It’s those times We sing My groom got the call that he was going off to war My heart was full of pride but I was scared I wrote him every day to make sure he felt my love And every night I prayed a special prayer That one day soon he’ll come on home, the world will live in peace It’s almost like John Lennon was imagining my dreams Repeat ChorusBridgeMy husband finally made it home to the land that he defended But kneeling here next to his stone I feel my world has ended Although the preacher says the words I can’t get out Amen Then I hear Amazing Grace and feel my faith again Repeat Chorus

[kitz]

I like the tune - nice melody and vocals are great - is that you singing? I like the lyric changes you've made. However, the John Lennon line seems a bit strained to me in a way. Maybe it's a bit too personal. The words "It's almost like" seems to have changed tense and continuity with the verse that it is summing up. You might want to insert some "home" things that you'll do when he gets home like dance and sing or go to the movies again or walk in the park and then sum up with "and the world will live in peace".In the chorus "sometimes we die" seems a bit awkward to me in that it limits the scope to being an outside observer whereas the other chorus lines don't have that limitation and it sort of alters the scope of the whole chorus in doing so. Anyone can experience cry and laugh and dance many times in the 1st person but to experience die and still be around to experience it again you have to do it in the 2nd person. Do you understand what I'm trying to say here?Just my 2 pesos. Really nice tune Adrienne!Kitz

[adrienne]

Thanks for your feedback Kitz. No it's not me singing, it's a professional demo singer. I'm glad it sounds good. I haven't had any negative comments about the rest of the song so I don't really plan on changing those aspects. The only real problem was with the beginning. The part about "we die" is not meant to be taken literally, just like the rest of the chorus is not meant literally. It's figurative about the range of things that happen in a lifetime. So when I say "we die" it's not meaning the person dies...it could mean people die and we're affected by it, or parts of us die when tragedy happens, or etc, etc. I get what you're saying but I've had positive feedback on the chorus so I think I'm going to keep it as is.Thanks for taking the time to listen and for your feedback! Much appreciated!

[momof4]

hi! so i wasn't able to actually LISTEN to the song, but i thought i'd chime in on the lyrics, since you asked. not sure what your original 1st verse was, but as it is now, IMHO, what you have seems really disjointed from the rest of the song. the song tells the story of you and your soldier, but that first verse, well...it just doesn't seem to have anything to do with the rest of the song. does that make sense? also, you mention "THAT midnight train to Georgia". as the reader/listener, i'm saying "WHAT midnight train to GA?" is there some train that everyone knows about, you know, THAT one, except me? probably not, right? i'm sure there's more to this line than what you wrote, but i think you're assuming that everyone knows what it is, and we don't. or maybe it's just me...maybe i AM the only one in the dark here. as for the John Lennon reference, i like it, because i like specifics in a song, and i think it makes it stand out. in fact, i think you could use MORE specific details in this song and really polish it up, like name the town in GA that you're going to, or name the train, etc. anyhoo, i know you're not really looking for comments on the rest of the song, but since i'm writing a novel here anyways, i might as well throw in that the "my groom" and the "my husband" just sound strange to me. not sure why. do people ever say "my groom" or "my husband" in a song? maybe that's why...i can't think of any songs off the bat, although i've heard "my wife" in there before, probably. okay, i'm rambling...just nit picking, i guess.good luck, regardless! erin

[adrienne]

Thanks for your comments Erin. The new verse opens with the fact that she's travelling down south. That was supposed to link to the train to Georgia reference. The first verse is supposed to be about her meeting and falling in love with her soldier. The train reference merely was to establish a place where she met her soldier. It doesn't need an elaborate backstory. But if the verse is not clear that she's meeting and marrying her solider, then that's pretty much what I'm asking.Just to clarify, because the song is about the power of music, although the reference is subtle, I have song references intentionally placed in the pre chorus and bridge. - Midnight Train To Georgia- We've Only Just Begun- Imagine- Amazing GraceThanks for your input.

[momof4]

hmm...not trying to argue here, but just want to say that if you have to explain the song to someone, it's not quite pitch-ready. granted, i could be the only one who didn't "get it"...that's totally possible. but if anyone else didn't understand that "the song is about the power of music", then you might want to reconsider and look at it again. i love your references to the midnight train to GA, "we've only just begun", etc. but i wouldn't have seen it unless you had pointed it out. maybe you're trying to be a little too clever? that's a good problem to have, though, cause you can always "dumb" it down for us simple folk! anyhoo...yeah.erin

[jwebbinspired]

Adrienne, I was wondering if you could post the original first verse lyrics? I'd just like to see what you were told needed to be redone, it would help me in evaluating the new lyric. Great melody. I like your John Lennon reference, even though it might seem slightly strained. You're just connecting with the listening from another angle. Smart. I understand why you changed from "husband" to "groom" because it was a little unclear before how we got from point A to point B. I think it works, I'm not sold out on the new verse. I kind of think you could add more song titles. I really like that idea. It might not hurt to make it more obvious. -Andy