HiJackin' Jill (V1/V2,trying for 6 lines & matching rhymes)

[simonsays]

I'm having trouble condensing my second verse down to 6 lines. That, and matching up my rhyme schemes there. I'm not sure if I want to make the 1st verse more like the second ... or vice versa. Any suggestions/input would be appreciated. Thanks.

Album: Tales of Love
Song: HiJackin' Jill
Copyright Steve Simon 2011

(1st verse)

1 Well Sir ... we went up to that Wishin' Well
2 you know ... the one up that 'F' - in' big Hill
3 well Sir ... we wished, we kissed
4 marked that off our bucket lists
5 then you see ... well, we slipped
6 I fell for her ... and then she ... she fell for me

(Pre-Chorus)

1 that's why we ... that's why I

(Chorus)

1 I'm HiJackin' Jill
2 I won't stop until
3 we're hitched, we're wed
4 it's destiny, she said
5 ... it was meant to be

6 I'm HiJackin' Jill
7 I know that I will
8 drink up, her love
9 can't contain this flood
10 ... it's a waterfall rain

(2nd Verse)

1 well, you must know I'm truly sorry Sir
2 but, I tell you I really do love her
3 and we want, but don't need -- your permission
4 can't you see sir -- I'm a man on a mission
5 now, you know your daughter
6 she's some sweet drink of water
7 I fell for her ... and then she ... she fell for me

(Pre-Chorus)

1 that's why we ... that's why I

(Repeat Chorus)

(Bridge)

1 well, after she fell ... naturally, I picked her up
2 put her in the bed ... er back ... of my pick-up truck
3 where we made love until the sun came up [ Jill adds this part ]
4 I fell for her ... and then she ... she fell for me

(Pre-Chorus)

1 that's why we ... that's why I

(Repeat Chorus)

[Zaxis]

1 well Sir, I tell you I really do love her
2 and we want, but don't need -- your permission
3 can't you see sir -- I'm a man on a mission
4 now, you know your daughter
5 she's some sweet ... sip of tea
6 I fell for her ... and then she ... she fell for me

would this work?

[simonsays]

1 well Sir, I tell you I really do love her
2 and we want, but don't need -- your permission
3 can't you see sir -- I'm a man on a mission
4 now, you know your daughter
5 she's some sweet ... sip of tea
6 I fell for her ... and then she ... she fell for me

would this work?

Hi Zaxis,
Thank you for replying to my post. I thought it was pretty much forgotten. You got it down to 6 lines! ... but there is still the rhyme scheme problem ... and 'sip of tea' loses the Jack/Jill water image I wanted. (Ie, a well,hill,water,bucket,Jack/Jill,tripping,etc) On the plus side, you got me to revisit this, and try adding an extra line to the first verse instead. Here's the new first verse, with the extra line. (Plus my second verse to compare rhyme schemes with) What do you think?

(1st verse)

1 Well Sir ... we went up to that Wishin' Well
2 you know ... the one up that 'F' - in' big Hill
3 well Sir ... we wished, we kissed
4 marked that off our bucket lists
5 then you see ... well, we slipped
6 Sir, it was some surreal trip
7 I fell for her ... and then she ... she fell for me

(2nd Verse)

1 well, you must know I'm truly sorry Sir
2 but, I tell you I really do love her
3 and we want, but don't need -- your permission
4 can't you see sir -- I'm a man on a mission
5 now, you know your daughter
6 she's some sweet drink of water
7 I fell for her ... and then she ... she fell for me

[burpo]

1 you must know I mean only respect, Sir
2 but, I tell you I really do love her
3 we would like, but don't need -- your permission
4 can't you see sir -- I'm a man on a mission
5 I'll be good to your daughter
6 she's the sweet drink of water ...that I need

I dunno if this helps.

[simonsays]

1 you must know I mean only respect, Sir
2 but, I tell you I really do love her
3 we would like, but don't need -- your permission
4 can't you see sir -- I'm a man on a mission
5 I'll be good to your daughter
6 she's the sweet drink of water ...that I need

I dunno if this helps.

Hello Burpo,

I think every contribution helps. If I find I can't make use of it now ... it can always lead me into new directions. I've pretty much decided now to go with 7 lines in each verse. (There were things I just didn't want to cut out)
I think having him talk about respect, might be a bit presumptuous of him. He did sleep with the guys daughter, after all.
I like the assonance you used in line 6 (she's-sweet-need), but this verse still feels a bit constricted to me. (I think it needs to have the extra line) Thanks for taking the time and effort on this to try and help me out. I appreciate it.

Steve

[Zaxis]

1 well, you must know I'm truly sorry Sir
2 but, I tell you I really do love her
3 and we want, but don't need -- your permission
4 can't you see sir -- I'm a man on a mission
5 now, you know your daughter
6 she's that sweet drink i need or she's the sweet drink that i need
7 I fell for her ... and then she ... she fell for me

[simonsays]

1 well, you must know I'm truly sorry Sir
2 but, I tell you I really do love her
3 and we want, but don't need -- your permission
4 can't you see sir -- I'm a man on a mission
5 now, you know your daughter
6 she's that sweet drink i need or she's the sweet drink that i need
7 I fell for her ... and then she ... she fell for me

Hi Zaxis,

Sorry for not getting back to you right away. I wish this site had the auto-e-mail notification option I have on another site. I guess I really wasn't expecting another response here, and so neglected to look. A bit lazy of me, I know.

I think I'm fairly satisfied with the lines I have now. Although I am considering dropping the "you must know" and the "I tell you" in the first and second lines respectively. I would lose some of the babbling characterization I was going for this way, but maybe some unnecessary added fat too? What do you think?

1 well, I'm truly sorry sir
2 but, I really do love her

Steve

[AnthonyCeseri]

What a cool idea, for some fun quirky, lyrics. I liked the word play on "bucket list" in the first verse.

cool stuff

[simonsays]

Thanks Anthony. I'm glad you liked it. I tried to include as many Jack & Jill images as I could in the limited space.
It's important to know what parts people like and dislike. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

Steve

[AnthonyCeseri]

Thanks Anthony. I'm glad you liked it. I tried to include as many Jack & Jill images as I could in the limited space.
It's important to know what parts people like and dislike. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

Steve

yeah, you got it - good stuff...