I can't really tell how this works without music,

[YellowSofa]

Latest of sensory image filled songs series in the midst of my 21 day challenge to get up really early and do object writing. See
www. objectwriting.com
for metaphor and image calesthenics in an online community. It seems to really help you come up with unusual/interesting/fresh ways of saying things and be in a flow.
lyrics
I Know It
© 2013 Words and Music by Michael Silverstone
Mr. Silverstone Music/ASCAP
11-29-13

I got a broadness in my shoulders
I know it, I know it
I feel my sails lift up in breezes
got me rising
to my toes
and from my feet up to my heart
there is a lifting as it starts
taking me higher

I’ve had a long time destination
once nearly about to
try to get there without you
until I found the soft architecture
of your hands
I feel your fingers laced in mine
and the boundaries in my mind
lift wide open

Oh when I
breathed the tea steam from the cup
broth and bread and the smells conduct
my sense of you along your neck
a touch that comes from me comes back
A green I’ve seen
revealed anew
grateful when desire breaks through
you came to me
I drink you in
and start to feel it all again

We may not get to live forever
I know that, I know that
But what if just these times together
keep going, on after we go
and on the axis of the sky
the wheel of all there is rolls by
with this love at the center
(I know it.)
(I know it.)
(I know it.)
(I know it.)

(I could also send you a link to the music, but I'm kind of curious what you good people think just seeing this in words.)

[cassmcentee]

It has a lot of honesty in it...
...but it does read as disjointed to me.

Here is how I separate the verses...

1. Sailing
2. Architecture
3. Food
4. Eternity

Without like/joined metaphors I'm lost...
I don't read a clear picture for the average audience
...just my opinion

Keep it Up!

[funsongs]

1. Sailing
2. Architecture
3. Food
4. Eternity

oh...easy imagery, if you just bumped your funny-bone:

you're in a little sabot-dingy thing, trying to order take-out fast-food at some fancy spot, during a flood;
and it's "Ground Hog Day"...over and over and over and over and....

(want fries with that?)

don't call me fun... ....just kidding!!

[YellowSofa]

Yes. This feedback is right on. Thanks for seeing that it was coming from a real feeling place.
And yes, it's gotta be clearer who is speaking, to whom where and why in a way that makes sense. I love that thanks to your compassionate honesty in feedback, I can see that and am not giving myself too hard a time for having missed the mark, and am not letting myself off the hook either. I can tell that the comments I got here are coming from people who really know what they're talking about as far as the task of the lyricist.

I'm going to see what I can do to keep what's good in it, and make it less confusing to those of on this planet, which is Earth.

Groundhog's day boat getting take out food is about as close as it currently gets. to something you can imagine. I can do better.
Thanks so much,

Michael

[cassmcentee]

Cheers Michael!
I'm finding many of my own strengths and weaknesses within these forums...

[YellowSofa]

Thanks truly for feedback so far.
I realized there was no coherent story so it became a collage of verses, which won't do.

So I tried to revise it to be something I could describe in an elevator, not that I'm going to now:
The first version, is above:

Is this better enough to not get in the way of a coherent and meaningful emotion/idea? The music helps for this, but I want the lyrics to stand, not slump and be held up by the music.

I Know It
© 2013 Words and Music by Michael Silverstone
Mr. Silverstone Music/ASCAP
12-1-13

I found a broadness in my shoulders
I know it, I know it
Like I had sails lfill up with breezes
--feel the rising
to my toes
and from my feet up to my heart
growing with power as it starts
taking me higher

I’ve had a long time destination
once nearly about to
try to get there without you
until I found soft architecture
in your hands
and with your fingers laced in mine
walls and boundaries in my mind
started to open

The steam of tea
the curl of cup
the smells that filled your kitchen up
a sense of you along your neck
kindness touched and coming back
Scenes I’ve seen
revealed anew
a flood of fresh desire comes through
As I see you now
I drink you in
and have to have it
it all again

Right now I’d like live forever
I know it, I know it
But what if our best times together
keep going, after we go
and on the axis of the sky
there spins a wheel of what gone by
this kind of love at the center
(I know it.)
(I know it.) (I know it.)


http://michaelsilverstone.bandcamp.com