I Can't Tell You - teenager angst pop song

[mikeShort]

I haven't been an angst-filled teenager for a long time, but I remember how hard it was to talk to someone for the first time when you were totally taken with them. I am trying to capture that in this lyric. What do you think?!?

I Can't Tell You
by Michael B. Short © 2011

You're sitting in your favorite place
Reading your Road & Track
I know I know
You could be a movie star
Dressed in your gray and black
I know I know
Pre-chorus:
I need to tell you
I wish I could tell you
I can't tell you

Chorus
At night when I'm in bed
I lie awake and in my head
You're standing at my door I let you in
You are my pillow you tuck me in
I should tell you
I wish I could tell you
I can't tell you

I've worked it out so many times
What I would say to you
I know I know
But when I finally get the chance
I'm shaking through and through
I know I know
Pre-chorus:
I need to tell you
I wish I could tell you
I can't tell you

Chorus

I'm standing up I'll head your way
I've got so much to say
I know I know
I need to tell you
I'm gonna tell you
I'm gonna tell you
I'm gonna tell you
Tomorrow

-----

Musically, the third verse fragment is three lines from the verse melody, although not slavish to it, followed by the "Tell You" bits from the Chorus, again with the vocalist free to improvise. The chorus is about an octave higher than the verses. The music is louder and more involved, until the last line of the chorus, where it drops back to the subdued sound of the intro and the verses. All in my head, of course, at this point.

I'd love to hear from you. Thanks in advance.

[sedge]

Hi Mike, I got to the end without anything screaming wrong to me.

So I re-read for a nit pick.

- the use of "so" (Americanism?) to add weight could be upgraded , (trying to think of a one syllable upgrade) or it could be the 'much' - maybe I'm nitpicking on this because of the 'much' . (this is most likely my personal pref)

- 'You are my pillow you tuck me in' - pillows tuck people in? - maybe 'Your are my pillow. You tuck me in' - to separate. (Grammer nit pick hey)

as said, only a nit pick really.

Good job imo!

Rob

[mikeShort]

Rob-
Thanks!
I have a habit of not punctuating my lyrics. I'm not sure why ... But the sense with the period is the right one. I actually want to say that "the pillow is you" but it sounds weak when it's sung. So I thought I'd go for the ambiguity. If, like you, the listener thinks the singer imagines the idol as a pillow, that works, too.
But you've made me think the "tuck me in" line is weak, which I've always sort of thought (you know, it nagged at me a little, but not to the level of the lines you DIDN'T see ).
I didn't realize the "so much" was colloquial. There is probably a better way of saying that, too.
Again, thanks!

Back to work ...

[sedge]

cool

I doubt I could authoritatively claim "so" to be colloquial. deffo worth a look for a stronger phrase to send home the sentiment of the whole line imo ... or maybe not, I fall foul of chopping away lyrics to no better end quite often. Almost always settled by asking the question if I am trying to be clever or it actually in fact does feel 'wrong'.

Be cool to hear anyone else's thoughts on the use of 'so' to make more of an adverb.

'tuck me in' - aye, now you have highlighted it , perhaps not exactly what a teenager with angst is actually wanting .. hey hey !!

[Burt Crow]

Your chorus has a knowing maturity about it - 'the tucking in' seems to suggest an older woman.

Teenage boys tend to want to have sex (RnB/rock), fuck (rap/metal) or be with you all night long (pop/emo) - possibly emos just want a locket of your hair to sniff! But unless she was my Ukrainian friends hot mum I don't remember wanting to be tucked in!

Rather then try to be young again - god I wish I could as well - do the retrospective about the teenage dream (Older woman/friend's older sister/your older sister's friend) ala - Centerfold - J. Geils Band.

If you look at the charts I don't think kids do angst like that anymore and if you want to appeal t AC then retro could be the way to go.

HTH

Burt

[mikeShort]

The intent here is for the teenage girl to be singing this song, not the the boy (despite the fact that I'm not a girl and never have been). While you have a point, I was going for the innocent young girl who can't possibly talk to her image of true love. No market for that even in middle school?