I don't quite understand the critique...

[wolfgang]

Hi everybody. I just received a return on my song called "The Widow". It's been forwarded once and returned about 5 times. This critique I just got today is good and I want to follow the suggestions but I don't quite understand what they are telling me. I would love to have you listen to the tune and expound on what the taxi critic is trying to tell me. Here is what they wrote to me:

Perry, Well, this song definitely moved me. It's one of these songs I would LOVE to forward. But, if I do, I won't be doing you a favor. The reason is you get one shot with this publisher. This song is about 80% finished. The main issue is the hook. I think it would be stronger if it was dessert sand, and come at it from the widow angle. Then, it's not as predictable. However, either way, you need to open AND close with that hook. In the end, the song will rip your heart out of your chest with continued revising. If you decide to do that...please put REVISED in all caps when adding this song.

Here is a link to my taxi page. www.taxi.com/pmorris

Again, the song is called "The Widow".

Thanks in advance for your help!

[ottlukk]

Wolfgang:
I can't comment on the reviewer's comments, because I'm not sure what he wants, either. This is nicely constructed, and definitetly has a nice sentiment, about a widow reclaiming her life. I think the problem here is that the general listening public does not want to be reminded of young men getting blown away in some far off desert sand. It's very patriotic, it works well on the first listen -- but, I didn't want to go back and listen to it again.
Please keep in mind I would not have responded if I hadn't thought you did the song very well. Good luck to you.
Ott

[cameron]

I listened a few times, and I'm not sure what the screener means either. Just change the title, or move the "desert sand" reference around to the musical high-point? Damned if I know.

Personally I really liked the verses, but melodically I didn't find the chorus all that compelling, except that I did like the "roadside bomb in the desert sand" line. Maybe that's what the screener was getting at?

Cam

[eeoo]

+1 to what Cam said, I thought the "roadside bomb in the dessert sand" line was the strongest, most poignant line of the chorus. Easier said than done but if you could make the chorus stand out more and lead up to that line and then slay em with that line you'd be on to something. Also thought the 12 string sounded slightly out of tune in the intro. Good luck! eo.

[DorothyWallace]

It's a beautiful song. And with the music business in the state that it's in now, a publisher is just plain stupid to have the attitude that they will give a writer one shot. Beggars can't be choosers and they aren't making any money.

Dorothy

[Casey H]

Hi
Could you post the lyrics?

It's a very good song. I'd say the most important issue is the chorus hook from a melodic POV. It needs to be stronger in the incredibly competitive world of country.

This isn't my genre but the "desert sand" line being at the end of the chorus works for me. I think the problem is the chorus isn't quite strong enough leading up to it so the listener won't keep interest to get there. It's a long way from the start of the chorus (the "widow" line) to the payoff line.

It's good to collect a few critiques on a song before deciding on possible re-work. There will always be varied opinions among screeners and industry folks.

BTW, artist song pitches are a tough nut. Consider that there might be film/TV opportunities for a song like this, maybe even as is. It's a specialty song subject-wise but opps for songs about specific subjects do come up.

Best,
Casey

[jonathanm]

I think what the screener is saying is:

1. Call it "Desert Sand" (not dessert sand, which wouldn't be very tasty )

2. Tell the whole story in first person from the widow's standpoint, like you did in chorus 2.

Nice work.

[wolfgang]

Wow!! Thanks so much everybody for your input. I am amazed at how many of you listened and commented. I have this song in a few more listings so I'll see what other screeners say too. So far I plan to at least change the title to "Desert Sand". I am going to think a lot about the chorus too and see if I can't think of a stronger melody for that.

[glender]

It's not bad, I enjoyed the listen. The timing couldn't be better in the market place either with all the soldiers coming home over the course of the next few months.

I have no idea what the screener is suggesting. I know when a song is this far along it's near impossible to go back in and start re-writing.

If you could post the lyrics I'd like to read it through one time.

Personally I'd say the song is around 90% ready to be pitched. It just needs a little tightening up. The fact that you tweaked the hook at the end to suit the story might be a good place to start. I think the hook is solid and needs to stand pat throughout the entire song. The imagery in the hook line is really good I wouldn't mess with it.

If I had to make one other suggestion it's in the middle where she calls her mother and repeats information that we've already heard. Since this is more or a pre-chorus consider adding new information here leading back to the hook.

Just some food for thought. Regardless weather you do it or the publisher gets involved this song will probably encounter one or two more re-writes,

I think you have a real shot at a marketable tune here, good luck

[mojobone]

Definitely change the title to something that rhymes with "dessert stand", and maybe consider either a total re-write (keeping only your hook) in first person, from the widow's point of view, (best) or tell the story backwards, because "desert sand" is your punchline. (pretty good) Start with the wedding and work backwards a verse at a time. As it sits now, there's no catharsis; no transformative event that brings your protagonist to the conclusion that she'll honor her late husband's memory by getting on with her life. There is also no surprise, no reveal for the listener; this is one of those songs that's like a suspense novel, so you need write the ending first, (maybe come up with a twist) and work backward from there, even if you do end up telling the story in chronological order. You need more story here, and the music's already long enough, so think about where to cut the fat. I know this is gonna sound harsh, but in my opinion, this song is about 50% there. You've got a kicka$$ track and an excellent melody; just re-think and re-work the lyric.