i just saw this 'lyrics' place-

[twentycentshift]

i posted these pyrics in another place, but i saw this board after i did. i hope it's cool to re-post my lyrics here. please let me know what you think....One More Day Without Youby Twenty Cent ShiftThe longest weekend's got me fried.The longest holiday feels like suicide.Will you ever take me in?When can I come home again?California's got me feeling freeBut New York City's calling me.I can't see staying awayBut if you want me to, I'll stay.And now the night's dark sky cries rain.In an hour or so, it'll be day again.One more yesterday without you.The longest weekend just won't do.One more day,One more day without you.

[dwaynecoots]

I'm no critic Tom, in fact I'm new to these boards but your request got 75 views and no one jumped so I'll try to give some impressions of your lyrics.I'd have to hear you play it, but the lyrics standing alone have a bridgey feel. They are all leading and that helps drive them as you read it -- so I'm sure the song drives too. The short lines with quick rhymes make it push so you start looking for the hook. That's what I mean about bridgey.The only line I don't like is "And now the night's dark sky cries rain." And the only reason I have a problem wit it is because the up to this point your mood is wonderfully common language for the common man. That one line kind of sticks out as a sudden artsy departure that trips you up.Again the delivery inside your melody might make it fit... this is just the impression from reading them as a poem.You're on the right track though. Flesh it out some maybe? Use those quick rhymes to build up to your hook. I dunno.As always: MHO(Got it demo'ed yet? Like to hear it.)