I need to see why this lyric doesn't work...

[arkjack]

VickiThanks for the second look.... and your point is right on the money.... after reading it I thought about it.The line "I always hoped we'd work this out... " is from the wrong POV... I see it works better if the singer tells the singee... "You always hoped we'd work this out..." which again puts in a more concrete context... the singer saying -- what you thought was wrong.. I am going to a Jason Blume seminar next week and I think they'll have live critiques... I'll appreciate any additional analysis until then... re-record a take Friday night with the changes... (provided I can remember where the heck the original data files are for the song tracks...).... Thanks ArkJack

[horacejesse]

AJ,I get stuck on songs for a long time myself. That is why I have to keep many irons in the fire at once if I want to have a decent output. Some nights I flit for hours between a dozen unfinished songs, sometimes getting a sentence or even a whole verse and chorus--all subject to change the next day.Early on I often set very difficult goals in terms of rhymes and meter. Because of this, some of the pieces are incredibly hard to finish with the same standards I began with, but I always persist. For me the most important thing is to spend a lot of time with the song, sometimes just staring at the words until something comes. Once in a while I get a song that pops out in completed form, but not very often.

[arkjack]

There is another thread in screener shouts that kind of follows the same line of frustration.... A couple of one word tweeks and the song improves.... one of the changes was a POV.... as another question to pose to see how the lyrics "work"... there are time frames in the song... and that might be part of the problem... so if I may beg your indulgence.... what time frames are you all getting from the song and picking up from the lyrics... ?? .... Thanks againArkJack