In a Bottle

[motomyrtle]

something I wrote not long ago as an excercise to convert a first person POV to third person. could be either vocal, but as a story, IMO, it just seems it'd be better as a male vocal.Appreciate any crits or commentsCheryl------------------------------------------"In a Bottle" (male vocal)© Cheryl A MoonV1Sun fills the sky and clouds fly byAt five hundred miles an hourSittin' back in the seat, a tear drops from her cheekAs she loses sight of the ground below herV2Sittin' alone on the couch at homeHe's chasin' Jim Beam with a prayerThe machine wins, he has to play it againAnd the sound of her last words fill the airChorus:Somewhere there's gotta be, a sunny dayDon't know where it is, but it's better this wayI can't live my life, at full throttleThere's not enough room for twoNo, there's not enough roomFor me and you, in a bottleV3Putting one foot in front of the otherTwelve steps but the mountain is highSoon he'll discover, like so many othersLife on the wagon can be a bumpy rideChorus:Somewhere there's gotta be, a sunny dayDon't know where it is, but it's better this wayI can't live my life, at full throttleThere's not enough room for twoNo, there's not enough roomFor me and you, in a bottleBridge:When someone you loveDoesn't love themselves enoughSometimes you have to let goTo keep from giving upChorus:Somewhere there's gotta be, a sunny dayDon't know where it is, but it's better this wayI can't live my life, at full throttleThere's not enough room for twoNo, there's not enough roomFor me and you, in a bottleOutro:He'll try again tomorrowMaybe the weather will be betterFor a climb

[matthoggard]

Another sweet lyric.You are changing POV from verse to chorus. Is this intentional. Great story, I can relate.M~

[wignelson]

Wow, what good lyrics. There's a few bumps in the road there, but you gave me the suggestion of late night contemplation about whether or not to stick it out or just move on. Fortunately, my wife is still here.Don't like the twelve steps line. We all know what it means and you are hand feeding the listener here.V1 (fourth line) As the plane barrels forth in a showerV2 (fourth line) And the sound of her last words are thereChorus is great - (possible sixth line) For me and you, 'n life in a bottleV3 (second line) so many steps . . . the mountain is highThat's about all I have.Again, great lyrics. Repeat after me, "Shut up Wig!"

[lwj001]

Cheryl, I standardized the syllable count, which makes writing music easier, although some say it makes the song too stiff.As originally written:"In a Bottle" (male vocal)© Cheryl A MoonV1Sun fills the sky and clouds fly by =8At five hundred miles an hour =7Sittin' back in the seat, a tear drops from her cheek =12As she loses sight of the ground below her =11V2Sittin' alone on the couch at home =9He's chasin' Jim Beam with a prayer =9The machine wins, he has to play it again =11And the sound of her last words fill the air =10Chorus:Somewhere there's gotta be, a sunny day =10Don't know where it is, but it's better this way =11I can't live my life, at full throttle =9There's not enough room for two =7No, there's not enough room =6For me and you, in a bottle =8V3Putting one foot in front of the other =10Twelve steps but the mountain is high =8Soon he'll discover, like so many others =11Life on the wagon can be a bumpy ride =11Chorus:Somewhere there's gotta be, a sunny dayDon't know where it is, but it's better this wayI can't live my life, at full throttleThere's not enough room for twoNo, there's not enough roomFor me and you, in a bottleBridge:When someone you love =5Doesn't love themselves enough =7Sometimes you have to let go =7To keep from giving up =6Chorus:Somewhere there's gotta be, a sunny dayDon't know where it is, but it's better this wayI can't live my life, at full throttleThere's not enough room for twoNo, there's not enough roomFor me and you, in a bottleOutro:He'll try again tomorrow =7Maybe the weather will be better =9For a climb =3-----------------------------------Suggested possible edit:"In a Bottle" (male vocal)© Cheryl A MoonV1Sun fills the sky, clouds fly by =7At five hundred miles an hour =7Sittin' back in the seat, tears fall from her cheeks =11As the ground below, the altitude devours =11V2 Sittin' alone back at home =7Chasin' Jim Beam with a prayer =7The deep silence wins as he listens again =11Weeps as the sound of her last words fill the air =11Chorus:Somewhere there's just gotta be, a sunny day =11Don't know where it is, but it's better this way =11I know I can't live my life, at full throttle =11There's not enough room for two =7No, there's just not enough room =7For us two, in a bottle =7V3One foot follows the other =7Twelve steps, but the mountain's high =7Soon he'll discover, like so many others =11Life on the wagon can be a bumpy ride =11Chorus:Somewhere there's just gotta be, a sunny day =11Don't know where it is, but it's better this way =11I know I can't live my life, at full throttle =11There's not enough room for two =7No, there's just not enough room =7For us two, in a bottle =7Bridge:When there's someone you have loved =7Doesn't love themselves enough =7Sometimes you have to let go =7Just to keep from giving up =7Chorus:Somewhere there's just gotta be, a sunny day =11Don't know where it is, but it's better this way =11I know I can't live my life, at full throttle =11There's not enough room for two =7No, there's just not enough room =7For us two, in a bottle =7Outro:Tomorrow will tell as to whether =9The weather will be somewhat better =9For a climb =3

[motomyrtle]

Nov 13, 2008, 6:09pm, matthoggard wrote:Another sweet lyric.You are changing POV from verse to chorus. Is this intentional. Great story, I can relate.M~thanks Matt,yes, the POV change here is on purpose. The chorus seemed so much stronger in first person - so by introducing the answering machine in verse 2 - that allowed me to keep 'her' in first person. Also, my thought was that if the song were sung by a male, the listener may possibly get the impression that the chorus could be 'his' words too . - I know its a little unorthodox, but it seems to work.Thank you, Cheryl

[motomyrtle]

Nov 13, 2008, 6:22pm, wignelson wrote:Wow, what good lyrics. There's a few bumps in the road there, but you gave me the suggestion of late night contemplation about whether or not to stick it out or just move on. Fortunately, my wife is still here.Don't like the twelve steps line. We all know what it means and you are hand feeding the listener here.V1 (fourth line) As the plane barrels forth in a showerV2 (fourth line) And the sound of her last words are thereChorus is great - (possible sixth line) For me and you, 'n life in a bottleV3 (second line) so many steps . . . the mountain is highThat's about all I have.Again, great lyrics. Repeat after me, "Shut up Wig!" Hi Wig, This has gone through a lot of rewrites - I think originally I had "Losing sight of the control tower" in verse 1Believe it or not, someone asked if he's an alcoholic?Don't shut up - I need to hear it! I refer to myself sometimes as 'tweaker' because I'm always trying a little change here or there - You know what they (I) say "nothing's final 'til its pressed in platinum" Thanks a bunch,Cheryl

[motomyrtle]

Hi Larry,Some of the syllable count differences will work themselves out in the singing. I have a melody in mind for this, so the music should be pretty easy to write. A few of the lines have a little more breathing room for delivery purposes. Someone had accused me of the same thing - I'm trying to loosen up a bit.Thanks for the ideas,Cheryl

[jamesm]

Hi, Cheryl. Really liked these lines:Soon he'll discover, like so many othersLife on the wagon can be a bumpy rideI'm lost on the "the machine wins" line, though. What machine?James

[motomyrtle]

Nov 14, 2008, 12:36pm, jamesm wrote:Hi, Cheryl. Really liked these lines:Soon he'll discover, like so many othersLife on the wagon can be a bumpy rideI'm lost on the "the machine wins" line, though. What machine?JamesThanks a bunch James,the 'machine' is the answering machine in verse 2 Cheryl

[jamesm]

Hmm... I don't think that's very easily picked up by the listener... well, at least not by this listener. He's on the couch drinking Jim Beam while she's on a flight. So the machine "wins" because it makes him play the message again, or because it gets the call before he does? Did she call as the plane was taking off (which is not allowed)? I don't think there's a clear clue about an answering machine in there. Most people don't have their answering machine next to their couch, I don't think. The image isn't jelling for me.I think it could use some ironing out there. Just one opinion.