Is this a breakout hit – adult contemporary song

[mikeymike2000]

OK, I am ready for anything here. Hope I don't sound b*tchy on some of the comments to previous posts (I fell like it may come across that way sometimes)... I do my best to keep emotionally neutral.

Question:
Does this fit the listing? Would you forward? If not, what are the top 3 reasons?

So here is the listing:

TENDER ADULT CONTEMPORARY SONGS with MALE VOCALS in the style of Bruce Hornsby, Bryan Adams, etc., needed for a recently Signed Male Artist on an Independent Label looking for a breakout HIT! Songs submitted MUST have a CREATIVE lyric theme, SOLID song structure, and MEMORABLE chorus hooks! This male artist is an accomplished piano player, so it's a plus if you feature this instrument but not necessary. Piano or Acoustic guitar-driven songs will both work here. Be sure your song is structurally WELL-DEVELOPED, with POWERFUL MELODIC HOOKSand DYNAMICS that sustain interest throughout LYRICALLY THINK: SENTIMENTAL, NOSTALGIC, SWEET lyrics that tell a story. QUOTING THE SOURCE: "Lyrics shouldn't be overtly Christian or Praise & Worship but must be PG and family-friendly." Remember, they're looking for a HIT that can reach out to a wide audience so CROSSOVER potential is very important! Avoid clichés and give your lyric themes a fresh coat of paint! Vocal and Instrumental presentation must be top-notch! Please submit one to three songs online or per CD, include lyrics. All submissions will be screened and critiqued by TAXI and must be received no later than Wednesday, August 8, 2012.
TAXI # S120808AC

The song: “Homecoming”

I wrote the music, a friend did the lyrics and I brought in a vocalist to sing.

Lyrics:

VERSE
Your smiling face, I know this place
The tree house still standing there.
Months turn to years, youth disappears
Moments without a care.

PRE CHORUS
The Summer sunlight was brighter then,
We played games on the shore
All those mem'ries return to me,
Our days are simple once more.


CHORUS
What I was looking for was always right here
So many lonely years all disappear.
The world keeps changing while remaining the same,
This journey’s ending as you call my name.


VERSE
A long ago time, a nursery rhyme
Adventures found in a song
Now you’re right here, I have no fear
I know where I belong

PRE CHORUS
The Summer sunlight was brighter then,
We played games on the shore
Castles, dragons and pirate ships
Distant lands to explore.


CHORUS
What I was looking for was always right here
So many lonely years all disappear.
The world keeps changing while remaining the same,
This journey’s ending as you call my name.

BRIDGE
Someday we'd meet again, I prom-ised you my heart
Dis-cov-ring the truth of life, while being so far apart.
We were just children then, pretending we could fly
Back in that magic place – our kingdom in the sky


CHORUS
What I was looking for was always right here
So many lonely years all disappear.
The world keeps changing while remaining the same,
This journey’s ending as you call my name.

[cardell]

Hi Mike,

I'm glad you got this one going!!

I hear too much verb on the drums & the vocal. I quite like the tone of the vocal, but it has pitch problems.

Stuart

[RogerG]

Hi Mike,

Yeah there are some pitch problems that need to be addressed in one way or another before giving this to Taxi. The vocals on artist pitches are extremely important as they're ultimately what sells a song to anybody who listens to it. - Roger

[nick.moxsom]

Hey, Mike, not sure we've met.

Remember that pinch of salt next to you in case you need it. This is only my opinion, and harsh as it may sound, is meant in a supportive way.

I think you have a really cool verse here which paints the picture nicely with a memorable melody. Then, in all honesty, the chorus takes all that tension away and cheapens the song. The chorus should be spare on words – a few simple syllables will do a more powerful job, imo.

I also think, apart from the obvious (the voice being late and pitchy), the drum pattern is far too busy. And the piano too. I think you should try this song at half tempo, give it space for the vocal to breathe rather than panic, and find a rousing chorus that we can all sing along with –
"Right here, la da da da da,
Right here, la da da da da"

At the moment it sounds Partridge Family. With some work it could be a really strong contemporary song, imho. BTW, bud, don't forget the salt if you still need it. (Some sort of childish emoticon in here that says 'don't hate me, I'm your friend disguised as a self-opinionated twat').

Sincerely,
Nick

[RichardCharles]

NO reverb on the kick would be a good.

A recent gradute from audio engineering school told me in school they taught them the 5% rule regarding reverb. Get the reverb to where you think it sounds really good and then dial it back 5%. Example: If you think the reverb sounds really, really good at 70% on your send, then your final adjustment will be to put it at 65%

How's that for trusting your own judgement?

[cardell]

At the moment it sounds Partridge Family.

Oh man...can I use that in my signature..?

Stuart

[Kolstad]

I don't hear this for this listing at all.

Reasons
1. Genre: It sounds more musical than rock
2. Production: The reverb makes it sound very 80'ies and it lacks hooks
3. Performance: The vocals and the piano sounds out of sync

Like the guys, I'd suggest to back off the reverb on kick, toms, bass, vocals.
And I would consider cleaning up the piano track, it's on the busy side for a vocal pitch.

But also lyrically there's much too little repetition for this to work as a hit song (which needs to be memorable more than anything else), so even if the performances and production was perfect, I wouldn't pitch this to a listing looking for AC breakout hits. Genre wise I'd think it's more cosmopolitan country a la Josh Turner.

[Casey H]

Hi Mike
I'll come back and listen later but one thing to keep in mind is this is an ultra, ultra high bar listing. When you see a listing that's for a label looking for a breakout hit for an artist, that tells you the song, hook, lyrics, and peformance have to pretty much walk on water to get a forward.

That being said, one nice thing about "S" listings, is for your $5 you get a critique with valuable feedback.

Be back...
Casey

[Casey H]

Hi again, Mike...

It's pretty far off the mark as far as pitchable.

Production, performance, and mix are poor... Very pitchy vocal.

The chorus hook sounds more like pre-chorus than a chorus. There is no lyric hook line to "hang your hat on" and it lacks the musical hook.

The lyrics are a bit un-focused and un-clear as they jump around in tense. There are some cliche things I'd avoid like the tree house, games on the shore, etc.

I think you should start this one over working from a hook line. Weave the story to support that single thought. They wanted a creative lyric theme. Even if you decide not to write it for that listing, that's always a good thing to strive for.

HTH... Sorry, I wish I had better feedback.
Casey

[mikeymike2000]

Thanks all!

I will see if I can clean it up a bit more. Unfortunately the vocalist has already been paid and he's not gonna get paid again so hopefully I can tune him myself.