"Lines Want Crossed" into "Wildfire"?

[jwebbinspired]

Hello all. A song hit me the other night, and after some demo studio advice from Chits I have produced my newest song. I am wanting to submit it to the Michelle Branch listing:COUNTRY/POP CROSSOVER SONGS are wanted by a Major Nashville Label for a huge star in the Modern Pop world a la Michelle Branch, for her solo Country project. You can think in the stylistic range of Sheryl Crow meets Miranda Lambert, in the same vein as Sara Evans/Gretchen Wilson/Julie Roberts. This artist has a HUGE voice, so make sure the melodies are written to compliment such massive talent and capabilities. Rockin' Country songs with great crossover hooks and melodic appeal are what's needed. Lyrics that are youthful, upbeat and filled with energy - they only need a few more songs and they're only looking for HITS! - make sure your lyrics are tight, thorough and laced with some attitude and tons of hook memorability. Please submit one to three songs online or per CD, include lyrics. All submissions will be screened and critiqued by TAXI and must be received no later than November 24, 2008. TAXI # S081124COI'd appreciate any feedback. I doubt there is enough time to fix any problems before I submit to this listing, but for future listings I'd love any feedback, suggestions or sly remarks. I already had a friend tell me I think way too much like a girl. But so does Nicolas Sparks and he's rich.http://www.taximusic.com/download/18717 ... .mp3“Lines Want Crossed” By Andrew Scott Wills © 2008My friends say he’s no good,His type is nothing but trouble,Smooth talking pretty boys,Can make a girl see double,Even if my friends are right,Doesn’t change how I feel tonight,Lines want crossed,Roots want pulled,Just because I know better,Doesn’t mean I won’t untether,My pounding heart, lines want crossed,Holding onto my heart,But he’s gently pulling,Even though I know better,Who am I fooling?It may be uncommon sense,But my heart wants to jump that fence,Just when I build the strength to end this,He leans in for another kiss,Chow,Andy

[djdale]

I already had a friend tell me I think way too much like a girl.That's a good thing songwriting wise Bad thing shopping for clothes for yourself Nice harmonies onthe song. I like the piano prevalent in t he demo for the Branch pitch.I didn't understand the 'roots' line, unless it's refering to the line where she goes good to bad? Otherwise no other nits there man. Nice.Dale

[jwebbinspired]

I second the clothes shopping comment. I was worried that the "roots want pulled" line was a stretch...bummer. It was in reference to her being grounded to be more selective. But I was wondering if that was a little out there.I'm very happy with the production of the demo. I think it's obvious I didn't sing the vocals on that one....I also don't think anyone wants to hear me hit those high notes on my worktape....

[jwebbinspired]

Cisko, I really appreciate your input! I have yet to get a forward, let alone a deal and I am eager for any help I can get. I am so happy that you think the melody is on the mark, that is typically my weakness. I never considered there being an issue with "lines want crossed." And this is the only point I'm not sure if I agree with you or not. It's definitely not a cliche, I agree with you there, but I was playing off "don't cross that line" which I think it's a fairly well known cliche/idea. What I'm striving for is her title track, since it's her "cross-over" album I wanted to go with that idea. But maybe I'm forcing it way too much? I don't know if this fixed the problem with my "untethered" line or not but I actually changed it to "doesn't mean I want to tether" because I realized I had a double negative in there. Does that make it any better? Or does it still sound forced? So you don't think that my first verse gives enough "reason" for her to want to "end this" from the line about his type being "no good" or do you think I should be more direct? Lastly, I did realize my repeat on the "even though I know better" line. And you're absolutely right, that's a no-no unless it's the title. I will change this, there is just no way I can do it before Monday. My studio is booked.

[ciskokidd]

Nov 21, 2008, 4:20pm, jwebbinspired wrote:Cisko, I really appreciate your input! I have yet to get a forward, let alone a deal and I am eager for any help I can get. I am so happy that you think the melody is on the mark, that is typically my weakness. I never considered there being an issue with "lines want crossed." And this is the only point I'm not sure if I agree with you or not. It's definitely not a cliche, I agree with you there, but I was playing off "don't cross that line" which I think it's a fairly well known cliche/idea. What I'm striving for is her title track, since it's her "cross-over" album I wanted to go with that idea. But maybe I'm forcing it way too much? I don't know if this fixed the problem with my "untethered" line or not but I actually changed it to "doesn't mean I want to tether" because I realized I had a double negative in there. Does that make it any better? Or does it still sound forced? So you don't think that my first verse gives enough "reason" for her to want to "end this" from the line about his type being "no good" or do you think I should be more direct? Lastly, I did realize my repeat on the "even though I know better" line. And you're absolutely right, that's a no-no unless it's the title. I will change this, there is just no way I can do it before Monday. My studio is booked. Hey Andy,I get your drift on the title - you want it to sound fresh and original. If I may suggest "Lines Want To Be Crossed" To me that says what you want to say and still doesn't sound at all cliche.I still don't like the tether rhyme though. On second reading I can tell you why. It has to do with prosody. The melody line breaks at that point in the phrase and cuts the continuity in the listeners mind. What you want to get across is "Doesn't mean I won't untether my pounding heart" The melody arrangement however leaves "untether" hanging in the wind and creates the forced rhyme. The disconnect happens and then you sing "My pounding heart".The first verse tells us that her friends think the guy is "no good". That doesn't mean she thinks that. She obviously must find something she likes in him to keep her interested. You might want to make the first line in the bridge say something more akin to "my mind's tellin me not to fall for him like this" then you can say "but then he leans in for another kiss". I'm sure you can come up with something better - I'm sure the scansion is all wrong on mine, but you get the idea.I totally understand about not getting it changed in time, and I would probably send it in, if for nothing else than to get an opinion from an industry pro. Do you know if they will critique this one?Best,Cisko

[jwebbinspired]

Again, i thank everyone who has given me their two cents. It's adding up quickly. CJ, Thanks for your structured input on this tune. I think you may have won me over on the "no hook" comment. I was pretty convinced that "Lines Want Crossed" was a real strong hook, but it just doesn't roll off the tongue right when just saying it.Hey guys how about "Lines Dare To be Crossed"? The word "dare" I think helps my bridge a little better. Yes, I have already submitted the demo, but like Cisko said, at least I'll get a pro critique (yes, I do get one Cisko). And between this forum and my friends and co-writers off line I am offically scratching the term "tether"......my one friend in particular said it brought back bad memories of recess in middle school. I dunno.I am taking this back to the work shop.

[jay10music]

ANDY....Very nice song...Good vocal...a little dry for my taste but nice..The vocal seemed very loud in my cans...I probaly burned these ones out...Over all nice track.. Jay.. .....Good Luck...

[orest]

I do agree with the lyric part, it's a little too deep, but who knows? If you take our friends advice and the screeners critique maybe you hit it even harder next time! But you'll never know! Maybe we will hear a happy dude in the forward section soon ..