Looking to pitch to a listing, need advice

[shorty]

So, there's a listing I want to pitch this song to, by far this is NOT the completed project. I'd like to get some feedback about the lyrics, prosody, etc... if someone wants to collaborate... etc...Listen here:http://www.rebekahanncurtis.com/page7.htmlbe sure to click on the picture, and then wait a minute for it to load Lyrics for song:Hold me once again, in this dark and lonely placeIt's forever since you've been here, and felt your warm embraceTwilight lingers so, since you took my lightIn the shadows that I know, there's no end to my nightI want you to hold me, in your arms againHold onto the silence, don't let this feeling endI want you to hold me, in your arms againThe sweetest sound I know, is when you just begin toHold me once again, let me feel your breathwrap your soul around me, I'll drown in your caressswallow my surrender, let me savour your kissto remain with you is heaven come cure my aching wishI want you to hold me, in your arms againHold onto the silence, don't let this feeling endI want you to hold me, in your arms againThe sweetest sound I know, is when you just begin toHold me(instrumental)swallow my surrender, let me savour your kissto remain with you is heaven come cure my aching wishI want you to hold me, in your arms againHold onto the silence, don't let this feeling endI want you to hold me, in your arms againThe sweetest sound I know, is when you just begin toHold me Copyright Rebekah Ann Curtis 2009

[Casey H]

Hey Shorty I'll come back and peek at this tomorrow... Fading fast...sleep... Casey

[hummingbird]

what genre are you shooting for, Rebekah?"It's forever since you've been here, and (I?) felt your warm embrace"I'm not sure about this line - it's seems out of place in a contemporary song unless you are shooting for pop classical or folk - "come cure my aching wish"here's a little trick I use to check out how the lines of other verses flow against the pattern of verse 1 -- some phrases will not match inflection :1a-Hold me once again, in this dark and lonely place2a-Hold me once again, let me feel your breath1b-It's forever since you've been here, and felt your warm embrace2b-wrap your soul around me, I'll drown in your caress1c-Twilight lingers so, since you took my light2c-swallow my surrender, let me savour your kiss1d-In the shadows that I know, there's no end to my night2d-to remain with you is heaven, come cure my aching wishI like the sentiment of this lyric, the sweet yearning. I think it's strong off the top and then I get lost in the repitition. I'm not sure if the hook should be repeated so many times.I think this sets up the mood well:"Hold me once again, in this dark and lonely placeIt's forever since you've been here, and (I) felt your warm embraceTwilight lingers so, since you took my lightIn the shadows that I know, there's no end to my night"I'd urge you to write a chorus that is not 4 lines long (like the verses), that has a rythm/meter and a structure that contrasts to the verse.I'd really like to know more about the 'shadows that she knows' and why there is 'no end to her night'. Those are beautiful images.HTH a little... it's late here!cheersHummin'bird

[shorty]

Vikki - Genre: Hard to classifyI don't normally shoot for this sort of genre, lol.

[Kolstad]

Wow, I think this is AWSOME, Rebeka!Love the melody and the power progression. Vikki seem to be on top of the lyric suggs, but I'd like to suggest "don't let this QUIET end" in stead of "don't let this feeling end", as it's always better to show emotion than to tell it.On genre, I heard a Sarah Brightman voice when listening, so perhaps an AC type of arrangement would support the song well. Power ballad for sure..

[hummingbird]

Nov 24, 2009, 3:11am, shorty wrote:Vikki - Genre: Hard to classifyI don't normally shoot for this sort of genre, lol. might be helpful to post the listing.(I couldn't get the link to play anything for me, by the way; that's why I commented on lyrics only)

[shorty]

NEW LISTING -- CONTEMPORARY ROMANTIC BALLADS with FEMALE VOCALS a la Sarah McLachlan's "Angel," (also think a la Norah Jones and Diana Krall) needed by the Director of a Film Production Company working with a major artist in conjunction with a major motion picture. Songs need to encompass heartfelt lyrics with solid hooks and melodies should be very current sounding and memorable. No covers please, original songs only. Vocal and instrumental demo presentation must be top-notch! We recently ran this as Dispatch listing #D091110BA and the Director would like to hear more, so if you submitted to the above referenced listing, please send in new songs this time around. Please submit one to three songs online or per CD, include lyrics. All submissions will be screened and critiqued by TAXI and must be received no later than Wednesday, December 30, 2009. TAXI # S091230BA

[Casey H]

Hi RebekahI think the melody is very pretty. There is a nice lift to the chorus. I agree with Vikki that it's a bit repetitious. "Aching wish" seems awkward since wishes can't ache. And wishes don't get cured... (This from a guy who wrote "science fiction dreams" in a lyric, LOL!)... "Swallow my surrender" is another example where the phrase doesn't really make sense. "Took away my light" is less than ideal but might be OK. It feels just a tad off to me.The listing you posted sounds very high bar-- major artist, etc. So everything really has to be top notch. One of the challenges is when you write a song called "Hold Me" the first reaction is how common that is and how many songs like that have been done. So you have to blow them away with a killer melody and supporting lyrics. Wherever you can, avoid the cliches like "warm embrace" and a few others- like maybe "surrender" and "sweetest sound"... It isn't easy. There are only so many ways to say "I love you"... when someone finds a really unique way to say it, they have something very special. This a very good start and you did say that's what it is- a start. Keep at it! And it was great meeting you at the rally! Casey

[hummingbird]

okay, that listing helps, because if you read the lyrics to "Angel" you will see they are poetic, saying something universal in a unique way. I'm still kinda pulled by the 'shadows that she knows' and want to know why there is 'no end to her night'. Those are beautiful images.

[shorty]

Originally I had:Hold me once again in this dark and lonely place, It's been so long since you been here, since I saw your faceI've been tired of waiting, since you took my lightThis darkness that I know, there's no end to my nightand then the chorus.I suppose the entire second verse doesn't make much sense. I guess you can't really wrap your soul around someone either, and you really can't drown by someone touching you. I was thinking that swallowing a surrender was a veil for the joining of two souls, must have gotten lost in translation. Back to the drawing board for the second verse.Still working on making the chorus more interesting.