Looking to pitch to a listing, need advice

[shorty]

Originally I had:Hold me once again in this dark and lonely place, It's been so long since you been here, since I saw your faceI've been tired of waiting, since you took my lightThis darkness that I know, there's no end to my nightand then the chorus.I suppose the entire second verse doesn't make much sense. I guess you can't really wrap your soul around someone either, and you really can't drown by someone touching you. I was thinking that swallowing a surrender was a veil for the joining of two souls, must have gotten lost in translation. Back to the drawing board for the second verse.Still working on making the chorus more interesting.

[hummingbird]

this would work (so you don't use "dark" and "since" twice)Hold me once again, in this dark and lonely placeIt's been so long since you been here, since I saw your faceTwilight lingers so, (I can't find the) lightIn the shadows that I know, there's no end to my nightso the last thing you say is "no end to my night"why not?that's what the chorus is.like....In the shadows that I know, there's no end to my night--(I hate the) silenceor....In the shadows that I know, there's no end to my night--(where's the sunrise)Hope you'll keep posting your rewrites - I love to watch the creative process unfolding

[hummingbird]

Nov 24, 2009, 3:41pm, shorty wrote:Hold me once again, in this dark and lonely placeIt's forever that you've been here, since I saw your faceTwilight lingers so, since you took my light (light is used poetically as a reference to soul, life, love, etc. in other places... why not here?)In the shadows that I know, there's no end to my nightI like this except "since" is used twice. I don't have a problem with "light" but the phrase "since you took my light" feels... funny to me. You're saying, 'take me in your arms, I miss you so much, it's been too long, I've been in the dark - since you took my light' - it sounds... accusatory, like you are blaming them for leaving you in the dark. That's fine if that's what you mean and the chorus & the rest of the lyric supports it. JMHO, by the way, it's your lyric... just giving comments from my perspective. Keep or sweep

[shorty]

If anyone else has an opinion, the more the merrier!!

[Casey H]

My observation has been in pop and rock, the level of story detail required is much less than with country. You still need some depth but not as much. Sometimes it's as simple as 1-2 lines in a bridge which fill in just a little more info. I may not think it needs to answer as many questions as Vikki does, but it could say a lot more.The music here is very beautiful, BTW... It needs more sectional contrast but you have the start of something very sweet and pretty.MHO is focus first on what you want to say in each section, regardless of the actual words, rhymes, etc. Storyboard it-- an outline. It's like what we had to give our English teachers in school sometimes. When I get in trouble, I fall back on that-- e.g. "What do I want to say in V1?" "In V2?" "In the chorus?" "In the bridge?"...In V1 you are setting up the story and you have some of that like telling the listener that it's been forever since he was there... You could do more on the story setup. You may not want to start the first verse with "Hold Me"-- you are giving away the hook line too soon. Let that first verse make the first occurrence of "Hold Me" really shine. V2 doesn't add much new. It should be expanding on the story you set up in V1. Make the listener really yearn for that next "Hold Me" chorus.When I went back to listen a few times and write this I had trouble being sure I was identifying the sections right. Some of that might be the repeating of the same two words so much. Also, a bridge would be good to break things up.You are right that the story can stay fairly general for film/TV. However, the basic elements of a very good song still need to be there. Even though someone may end up using only 30 seconds of a track somewhere, if the SONG doesn't impress, it won't get signed. If a film/TV person thinks it lacks sectional contrast, lyrics are too cliche, it's too repetitive, doesn't hook enough, or any of the SONG things that are "the norms", it won't make it. Don't forget that THIS listing also mentioned the song being cut by a major artist. So this really has to be GREAT, at least for this listing.You might want to step back from it for a few days and think of the re-work as more than fixing a phrase here and there. Look at the big picture of the story (even if minimal) and how you want to tell it.Again, you could have a beautiful Sarah M. style tune here with some work. I do have the musical hook in my head!HTH Casey

[Casey H]

Hey RebekahI didn't read your posts as rough around the edges or argumentative. But then again, having gotten to talk to you at the rally and afterwards I know whether or not you are biting, cold, and calculating. (**joke**) and I DO use emoticons. And I always like to mention when I give feedback that... if I'm so smart, why aren't my songs totally great and on TV? It's a lot easier to review other's songs than see the forest for the trees on your own. Best, Casey

[shorty]

Ah, yes a sigh of relief, but I've found myself admist heated arguments that I was not aware of. I will use those happy faces, but more out of peer pressure and mostly being lazy. and it's a fun bandwagon to be on, but that doesn't mean that I really dislike the overuse of them.

[shorty]

Nov 24, 2009, 7:48pm, hurowitz wrote:Hey RebekahI didn't read your posts as rough around the edges or argumentative. But then again, having gotten to talk to you at the rally and afterwards I know whether or not you are biting, cold, and calculating. (**joke**) and I DO use emoticons. And I always like to mention when I give feedback that... if I'm so smart, why aren't my songs totally great and on TV? It's a lot easier to review other's songs than see the forest for the trees on your own. Best, CaseyBut you've had songs on tv...

[Casey H]

Nov 24, 2009, 8:06pm, shorty wrote:Nov 24, 2009, 7:48pm, hurowitz wrote:Hey RebekahI didn't read your posts as rough around the edges or argumentative. But then again, having gotten to talk to you at the rally and afterwards I know whether or not you are biting, cold, and calculating. (**joke**) and I DO use emoticons. And I always like to mention when I give feedback that... if I'm so smart, why aren't my songs totally great and on TV? It's a lot easier to review other's songs than see the forest for the trees on your own. Best, CaseyBut you've had songs on tv... Well, yes and no. I've had instrumental backing tracks from songs on TV. My goal is to one day hear a song with vocals, and therefore, my lyrics on TV. A lot of my feedback here is on lyrics... I'm sure my own lyrics need to get better to help meet that goal. And... here comes another one of those em ticons... Casey

[bete]

Hey! You started without me. <sorry, couldn't resistThis is why I haven't been entering critiques. It takes me so long to say what I want that it's irrelevant by the time I send it.--For your sake, Rebekah, I'm not adding a smiley face.--I love your new lyrics; they are so much clearer. And they make sense. I haven't studied them but at first glace I think you've made great strides and may be close to being finished.Bette