Lyric feedback on "Flat Sheets"

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stewwalker
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Lyric feedback on "Flat Sheets"

Post by stewwalker » Mon Oct 26, 2020 2:21 pm

Hi all

I'd appreciate your thoughts on the lyrics for this country song I've written. Thanks for your help :)

FLAT SHEETS
V1
Saturday morning, six am
Should be sleepin' in
Sun sneaks through my old blinds
And outside the birds all sing
Their Springtime song's so happy
And I wish my song could be too
But when I roll over in my bed
I feel flat sheets where babe I should feel you

V2
Close my eyes and try to sleep
My mind drifts back in time
To weekends when we used to sleep in
Back when you were mine
We'd stay in bed all morning
And even well into the afternoon
And when we finally stumbled out of bed
There were no flat sheets anywhere in that room

BRIDGE
Made my bed and I gotta lie in it
But I toss and turn all night
Bed ain't the same without you in it
Babe it just ain't right

V3
On rainy days the birds don't sing
And the sun don't shine
On rainy weekends I sleep in
Like I did in different times
And I feel your presence with me
And wherever you are do you feel it too?
But when I roll over in my bed
I feel flat sheets where babe I should feel you

Yeah when I roll over in my bed
I feel flat sheets where babe I should feel you

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cosmicdolphin
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Re: Lyric feedback on "Flat Sheets"

Post by cosmicdolphin » Mon Oct 26, 2020 3:01 pm

Seems pretty misogynistic to me.

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Re: Lyric feedback on "Flat Sheets"

Post by stewwalker » Mon Oct 26, 2020 7:12 pm

Interesting feedback. That certainly wasn't my intention. Any particular lines that gave you that impression?

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cosmicdolphin
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Re: Lyric feedback on "Flat Sheets"

Post by cosmicdolphin » Tue Oct 27, 2020 4:12 am

stewwalker wrote:
Mon Oct 26, 2020 7:12 pm
Interesting feedback. That certainly wasn't my intention. Any particular lines that gave you that impression?
It's just that the only value the woman has in your entire song is as a sexual object.

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Re: Lyric feedback on "Flat Sheets"

Post by stewwalker » Tue Oct 27, 2020 2:51 pm

Thanks for the clarification - I can see where you're coming from. My intention when writing the song was that it was about missing someone you lost and can't get back, so I've done a little rewrite. See what you think...

FLAT SHEETS
V1
Saturday morning, six am
Should be sleepin' in
Sun sneaks through my old blinds
And outside the birds all sing
Their Springtime song's so happy
And I wish my song could be too
But when I roll over in my bed
I feel flat sheets where babe I should feel you

V2
Close my eyes and try to sleep
My mind drifts back in time
To the years we spent together
Back when you were mine
We were so happy, baby
But we never had a chance to say goodbye
Now when I roll over in my bed
I feel flat sheets like each night since you died

BRIDGE
Fate made my bed but I don't wanna lie in it
Yeah I toss and turn all night
My life ain't the same without you in it
Babe it just ain't right

V3
On rainy days the birds don't sing
And the sun don't shine
On rainy weekends I sleep in
Like I did in different times
And I feel your presence with me
And wherever you are do you feel it too?
But when I roll over in my bed
I feel flat sheets where babe I should feel you

Yeah when I roll over in my bed
I feel flat sheets where babe I should feel you

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cosmicdolphin
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Re: Lyric feedback on "Flat Sheets"

Post by cosmicdolphin » Thu Oct 29, 2020 5:35 pm

It's better. The flat sheet thing still alludes the bedroom ...

" Back when you were mine " .. still makes her seem a bit like a possession

Try telling the listener more about this wonderful person, and not about your furniture.

Try making it more "we" ..not. " I " all the time

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