Lyric idea (and I need a title)

[DonaldM]

I'm usually not the one writing a lyric, but this kinda came to me over the summer, so I thought I'd give it test drive here. I have a basic melody idea for it, but wanted some input on the lyrics first. Thanks to anyone who cares to comment

Untitled (for now)
by Donnie Alan

Verse 1

Awake, but I want to be asleep
Asleep, when I know I should be awake
In the dark, when I should be in the light
Off in the wrong direction
When I know the way that's right

(chorus)

Why do I pretend to be confused
When I see clearly what I need to do
Its not like I don't know
Or haven't even got a clue
Maybe its just easier to say
That I don't know the way
When its plain that I really do
The one who's hurt the most is me
When I pretend that I don't know the truth.

Verse 2

Is a child needing bread
Really such a mystery?
Or an old many all alone
Who just needs a friend like me?
Can I say "Gee, I don't know"
To millions who live in misery

(chorus)

Bridge

With open heart and open hand
That's how I need to live
Not clinging tight to what I have
But seeing what I have to give

Chorus

[ocean]

This is really good I think. Sounds like an awakening of sorts. Perhaps the key to the title lies there somewhere?
Good work and good luck with it.

[DonaldM]

Thanks for the feedback, Ocean.

[simonsays]

Hi Donald,

I like that your verses were thoughtful and thought provoking. But for me, your chorus was too much the same. It didn't seem chorus-like to me. (that is, it wasn't catchy enough for me) I like choruses to be more memorable. And after a few minutes of reading yours I can't really remember much of it. Music might make a difference there though. After excercising one's mental muscles on your more complex verses ... maybe a simpler more repetitive chorus would be inline? (IMO)

As for a title. I do have a thought on that. The CONFUSED part is obvious. But the singer also seems CURIOUS as to why he, or anyone else for that matter, should be confused about the topics you describe. So my suggestion for a title, if you haven't already guessed, is:

CURIOUS and CONFUSED

I would suggest that whatever title you choose ... including it several times in your song would be helpful. As I've said to others in the past ... I usually start with the title and/or concept and work from there. So, that's not a problem for me most of the time.

Sincerely, Steve (aka, simonsays)

I'm usually not the one writing a lyric, but this kinda came to me over the summer, so I thought I'd give it test drive here. I have a basic melody idea for it, but wanted some input on the lyrics first. Thanks to anyone who cares to comment

Untitled (for now)
by Donnie Alan

Verse 1

Awake, but I want to be asleep
Asleep, when I know I should be awake
In the dark, when I should be in the light
Off in the wrong direction
When I know the way that's right

(chorus)

Why do I pretend to be confused
When I see clearly what I need to do
Its not like I don't know
Or haven't even got a clue
Maybe its just easier to say
That I don't know the way
When its plain that I really do
The one who's hurt the most is me
When I pretend that I don't know the truth.

Verse 2

Is a child needing bread
Really such a mystery?
Or an old many all alone
Who just needs a friend like me?
Can I say "Gee, I don't know"
To millions who live in misery

(chorus)

Bridge

With open heart and open hand
That's how I need to live
Not clinging tight to what I have
But seeing what I have to give

Chorus

[Len911]

self defiance?

It seems to me that this might fit a different song form such as aaba instead of having a chorus, and splitting the chorus into two verses.
Maybe perhaps rearranged differently, 1st verse, 2nd verse, last 5 lines of chorus as verse 3, bridge, then first 4 lines of chorus for verse after the bridge? That would probably make it an aaaba.

I think the song is very interesting, and it's surprising to me that the concept held together well without a title.

[DonaldM]

Appreciate all the feedback so far. Thanks!

[mikeShort]

You might be able to go with this structure if you rip apart your chorus. It's pretty repetitive as is. I was thinking shorter lines, something like (and I'm not polishing here, as much as throwing out random thoughts!):

Why pretend
Why turn my head
In my heart
I know
What needs to be done
What I need to do
Why pretend

Like I said, random, but I think something like that would work.

Even if you don't go that way, I'd be ruthless in cutting out the parts that don't move the idea forward. Some repetition is okay, but your chorus is loaded with it:

Why do I pretend to be confused
When I see clearly what I need to do

Its not like I don't know
Or haven't even got a clue [didn't you just say that]

Maybe its just easier to say
That I don't know the way [mainly a repeat of the "pretend" couplet; there's a little new information, but enough?]
When its plain that I really do [again]

The one who's hurt the most is me
When I pretend that I don't know the truth. [again]

You're off to a great start; I hope our comments help.

[manunited23]

I have a question, what's the idea behind such long chorus compared to a short verse?

[darlenemclyrics]

Masquerade might be a title to use ,,as a deffinition of pretend
Or the obvious Why Do I Pretend
Good Luck
Darlene

[Casey H]

Hi Donald
I think I commented on this before.

It’s hard to tell what this song is really about. It needs to focus in and get to the point. What is it that you need to do? Come out and say it. Maybe this is why it’s harder to decide on a title right now. Think about what the point is and that will help.

The chorus needs a phrase to hang your hat on—something that sums it up, most likely the title and hook line. What phrase do you want the listener to have stuck in their head? To walk away singing? Look at choruses to other songs you like and/or think would be in a similar genre to this. What you have is more like a verse.

A song like this might have a pre-chorus (coming out of the verse) with something like “Here’s what I’m gonna do” and then the chorus would follow saying what you were going to do. Have you looked through any books on lyric writing? Lots of good ones out there. And studying other successful songs is very helpful.

HTH
Casey

I'm usually not the one writing a lyric, but this kinda came to me over the summer, so I thought I'd give it test drive here. I have a basic melody idea for it, but wanted some input on the lyrics first. Thanks to anyone who cares to comment

Untitled (for now)
by Donnie Alan

Verse 1

Awake, but I want to be asleep
Asleep, when I know I should be awake
In the dark, when I should be in the light
Off in the wrong direction
When I know the way that's right

(chorus)

Why do I pretend to be confused
When I see clearly what I need to do
Its not like I don't know
Or haven't even got a clue
Maybe its just easier to say
That I don't know the way
When its plain that I really do
The one who's hurt the most is me
When I pretend that I don't know the truth.

Verse 2

Is a child needing bread
Really such a mystery?
Or an old many all alone
Who just needs a friend like me?
Can I say "Gee, I don't know"
To millions who live in misery

(chorus)

Bridge

With open heart and open hand
That's how I need to live
Not clinging tight to what I have
But seeing what I have to give

Chorus