Lyrics for feedback

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Casey H
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Lyrics for feedback

Post by Casey H » Mon Jan 06, 2020 12:06 pm

Hi
I rarely post lyrics only but I've been much more lyric writing than music lately. All feedback welcome. Optional words in ( )...

Shadow .............. (c) Charles P. Hurowitz .... Stealing is frowned upon. ;)

[Verse 1]
We have (so many) conversations
But no one says a word about the situation
We know it’s there
Starving our air
Till we can barely breathe

[Pre-Chorus]
We’re both so afraid
To rip off the band-aid

[Chorus] (Maybe only 1x first chorus)
So we dance in the darkness
Of the shadow upon us
Pretend not to see it
Pretend not to feel it

We dance in the darkness
Of the shadow upon us
Pretend not to see it
Pretend not to feel it

[Verse 2]
Don’t ask me what we did or didn’t do
If I knew I swear I would tell you
(We) Can’t live in denial
(And) Turn a blind eye to
What’s staring us right in the face

[Pre-Chorus]
We are not paralyzed
To move on with our lives

[Chorus]
(So) we dance in the darkness
Of the shadow upon us
Pretend not to see it
Pretend not to feel it

We dance in the darkness
Of the shadow upon us
Pretend not to see it
Pretend not to feel it

[Bridge]
Take my hand, come with me, out from the shadow
The weight on our shoulders is gone now
Time as it moves
Licks all our wounds
We heal a bit more every day

[Chorus]
(So) we dance in the darkness
Of the shadow upon us
Pretend not to see it
Pretend not to feel it

We dance in the darkness
Of the shadow upon us
Pretend not to see it
Pretend not to feel it

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Re: Lyrics for feedback

Post by jeremysAudio » Sat Jan 11, 2020 8:52 am

Wow! Even without the music this lyric is really powerful. There’s a good tension release when you get to the chorus and now the meter and rhyme are straight forward. The lyric mentions dancing and it’s like the lyrics turned into a 4 on the floor dance beat :) Nice work.

My one comment would be about the last prechorus and bridge. I get it. It’s a song about finally facing your relationship problems and the healing that comes with facing those demons but the chorus is still about ignoring those problems and dancing in the dark. So, there’s a confusion when those lines take steps towards awareness and then the chorus kind of returns to avoidance.

I think it’s OK to make the whole song about avoidance and then introduce the “longing” for healing but here you are still dancing in the dark. Everyone can relate to that and just that admittance is a step towards healing.

“Are we too paralyzed
To move on with our lives”

The other option would be to rework the chorus (keeping that satisfying cadence of course :) so that when you shed new light on the situation that line that seemed like it was about unconsciousness really becomes about healing. Easier said than done :) Does that make any sense?

“We dance in the darkness
Of the shadows that haunt us
The moon reflects light
Of a sun that will rise”

“We dance in the darkness
Of the shadows that haunt us
The tears in our eyes
Cross the stars in the sky”

Maybe like you turned the darkness that surrounds you into the romantic darkness of a dance floor. Like how the pain we face together in a relationship actually sweetens and deepens it. See how your song got me thinking?!

Or change the last two lines of the chorus, so they evolve with the waking couple.

Pretend not to feel it
to
Dear can you feel it?
to
Dare to just feel it

I’m no expert but I have some friends that are and when I was going through some indecision and writing about it, they were giving me advice in a similar vein that helped.

Just some ideas. Great stuff!

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Casey H
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Re: Lyrics for feedback

Post by Casey H » Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:55 am

Thanks Jeremy!

Great points made. Much appreciated!

:D Casey

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Re: Lyrics for feedback

Post by JannieM » Fri Jan 17, 2020 2:24 pm

Hi Casey,

Just a few thoughts -

[highlight]
[Verse 1]
We have (so many) * conversations
But no one says a word about the situation **
We know it’s there
Starving our air
Till we can barely breathe[/highlight]

* Instead of "so many" maybe use guarded because guarded could get more attention OR maybe use cautious because it would be an alliteration 'cautious conversations'

** (second line) maybe use - But dancing around the situation . This idea could fit with your chorus "dance in the darkness" OR But not a word about our situation


Jeremy's idea was really good as well as bringing a slight twist into the lyrics -

[highlight]“We dance in the darkness
Of the shadows that haunt us
The tears in our eyes
Cross the stars in the sky”[/highlight]

A thought for above chorus -

"The tears in our" hearts
Wash out "the stars in the sky" OR possibly Cloud "the stars in the sky"

Of course, these ideas depend on where you are heading with your song. Use what you like.

Hope these ideas help you.

Jan
Use your voice for kindness, your ears for compassion, your hands for charity, your mind for truth, and your heart for love. ~ ~ ~ ~ Author Unknown

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Re: Lyrics for feedback

Post by Bedford » Thu Jan 23, 2020 5:12 pm

I would have to at least have a melody to go by.It works as a poem per say.Not so many liberties given with song and such.
Good work Casey,,,,,Bedford

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Re: Lyrics for feedback

Post by melodymessiah » Mon Mar 02, 2020 8:05 am

looks like a strong and well written lyrics to me, but i would probably replace "Starving our air" with choking or polluting
depending on the musical length of the first verse, i also wonder if you could start with a double verse. yeah i know it's a big thing getting to the chorus as fast as possible, but... ;)

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Re: Lyrics for feedback

Post by Kolstad » Mon Mar 02, 2020 10:39 am

Hi Casey, nice lix :D
How about an opening line like "There is an Elephant in the room", could be that captures the chorus idea?

Just throwing elephants up on the wall here :lol:

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