lyrics.....

[koolkat017]

can anyone help with my lyrics? i'm only thirteen and i wanna be a singer but just gonna focus on writing songs first. heres the lyrics :i thought it was the endto our memoriesi didn't think that wecould make itnow look where we arewe're somewhere farwatching a shooting starnow we're in a placelooking into each others facei could drift off into spacelooking at your faceyou bought me a ringand more and more thingsand you make me singwhen you told me we'regoing on a tripi nearly did a flipbut you gave me a tipand whispered something sweet to mecould you guess where he took medo you think it's parior maybe miamiplease tell mecoz he didn't say a thing to meabout the place we were meant to meetwhen i got therei couldn't help but starei was standing at a fairand he stood therehe saw a tearand stroked my hairhe held me closeand i looked down at my toeswe went up on the ferris wheel and i saw a sealand all i could feelwas his hand in minewe were intertwinedwaiting for the signsand it was divineand then he broke my heartwhen i caught him at him at the parkwith another girland he was giving her a twirlall i could say to himwasi will never ever forgive youbecause you broke my hearteven though you apologivedfor hurting mei still can't believe you seeyou hurt my heartwith a dartit left a markand you left me in the darkthe last thing i have to say to you is :remember the timeswe spent togetheri think they were betterbut now i'm sadderwe went up on the ferris wheeland we saw a sealand all i could feelwas your hand in minewe were intertwinedwaiting for the signsand it was divineso now its timeto say goodbyedon't you crywhen i'm out of sightso, goodbyeit's not really good but if anyone could give suggestions to make it better it'd be alot of help.

[dayson1]

Hi Kool-KatWelcome to the Taxi forums Here are just a few tips that might help you on your Songwriting journey First thing I noticed in your song is that it doesn’t have a title.I’m sure you probably know that most songs do, so I would focus on that first.I noticed in your song you have a repeated line of“We went up on a Ferris wheel” This sounds like a good start For the sake of my examples I’m going to change it to: “We’re on a Ferris Wheel”There are many ways or styles to write a song in, so one thing you want to pay attention to is the format of the song.Verse Chorus verse ChorusOr Verse Chorus Verse Chorus Bridge ectFirst verses of songs usually tell set up the storyline and lead into the chorusIt’s a good idea to let the audience know the:Who? What? When? Where?I know that seems like a tall order but it can be done Let’s take your first verse for example.i thought it was the endto our memoriesi didn't think that wecould make itYou did a good job letting us know the who?(2 people) and the what?(possible end of a relationship) So good job there!Now the tricky part about writing is saying what you want to say in a way that make the audience want to hear more, or draw them in.If you take:When I came home your things were goneFound your ring on the floor…I thought it was over…Thought I had only memoriesOf what used to be…But here you areStanding next to me….This example, though not the best can make the ‘audience’ (See) what’s going onAnd therefore be more involved in the story, and helps keep their attention so that do take a snooze through your song?So you’ve shown the audience the who what and almost where, so then you want to tell them what happens next.So we left off on the where par So if we were to use the title “We went up on a ferris wheel”You want to lead the audience into the chorus, so then you might say…ChorusWe’re on a ferris wheelWay up here…With your hand in mineEverything I feel feels so realWay up here…On this Ferris WheelYou’ll notice how some lines repeat?Your chorus is the thing you want to stay in the mind of the ‘audience’So repeating is always great! It drills your song into their heads so they can’t forget After your chorus you want to continue the story, give the ‘audience’ something new to chew on No when writing a song you want to have a consistent POV (point of view)It seems you have two in here, upon my first read the song suggests that you are talking to the person responsible for breaking your heart, then later it shifts to you telling someone where this person took you:could you guess where he took medo you think it's parior maybe miamiplease tell mecoz he didn't say a thing to meabout the place we were meant to meetso you lose your ‘audience’ there because they don’t know how you jumped from talking to your partner to asking someone “Could you guess where he took me”So you always want to be consistent in your pov…Then later in the song, it shifts back to telling the partner/friend/love the last thing i have to say to you is :remember the timeswe spent togetheri think they were betterbut now i'm sadderSo these jumps REALLY confuse your ‘audience about who’s talking to whom and what’s going on.So back to what happens next in our example song.You want to tell the ‘audience’ what happens next….2nd VerseWhen I saw you in the park with that girl I felt my heart just dropI know you’ve apologized But it still hits me like a rock….This is just an example of continuing the story..Then you want to lead the ‘audience’ back into your chorus So maybe a line like:But when you look at me the way you doI know we’ll be alright…When you smile at me just like you didI know that we can fly….ChorusWe’re on a ferris wheelWay up here…With your hand in mineEverything I feel feels so realWay up here…On this Ferris WheelAfter your chorus some songs have a bridge:To add something new, maybe something like a twist to the songThen goes back into the chorus.Some songs don’t need them but it’s good to write one just in case Bridge:After tonight you’ll walk me homeBut at night when I’m laying on my pillowIt’s a good idea to keep most bridges To one or two lines, because you only have 3 to 4 minutes a songPlus you want to get back to that chorus that your ‘audience’ loves most about their song!ChorusWe’re on a ferris wheelWay up here…With your hand in mineEverything I feel feels so realWay up here…On this Ferris WheelI know I changed the point of view in your song, but I felt I needed to, in order to better show the examples.So keep in mind, there are many ways to write a song.Some songs have bridges, some do notKeep a consistent povShow your audience with pictures and action instead of “telling them”The more pictures and colorful words the better your song will be Pick a Title and write your song around that.Lead them into the Chorus and tell them what happens next The best way to improve is to keep writing everyday!Get some songwriting books to read!!! They will help you a great deal!!!This is just a brief starting point for you. I hope this helps you!There are many talented writers here, that can add to all that I have missed So don't be afraid to ask and post more of your songs!You have a promising head-start already Please feel free to contact me with any help you need, I would be glad to help Happy Writing!-Dana

[dayson1]

Hey Koolkat, here is the complete example of "We're on a Ferris Wheel"So you can see the structure of the songs as a whole.We’re on a Ferris Wheel1st verse)When I came home your things were goneFound your ring on the floor…I thought it was over…Thought I had only memoriesOf what used to be…But here you areStanding next to me….ChorusWe’re on a ferris wheelWay up here…With your hand in mineEverything I feel feels so realWay up here…On this Ferris Wheel2nd verseWhen I saw you in the park with that girl I felt my heart just dropI know you’ve apologized But it still hits me like a rock….But when you look at me the way you doI know we’ll be alright…When you smile at me just like you didI know that we can fly….ChorusWe’re on a ferris wheelWay up here…With your hand in mineEverything I feel feels so realWay up here…On this Ferris WheelBridgeAfter tonight you’ll walk me homeBut at night when I’m laying on my pillowChorusWe’re on a ferris wheelWay up here…With your hand in mineEverything I feel feels so realWay up here…On this Ferris Wheel

[quietextrovert]

Hello Kool-Kat:Wow, I wish I would have started writing when I was your age. You have a good start to your song, and got really really really great advice from dayson1. I am always told to be more metaphorical with my writing (please don't ask me to define ) so I thought the Ferris Wheel reference could become a metaphor for a relationship. It has it's ups, downs, scary moments, happy times and like the relationship in your song, it came to an end. There is an old song by the Ohio Players called Love Roller coaster. Its NOT my style, but I believe we can learn something from every song.Take care and keep writing, if this were easy we would all be famous.steveiecb

[matthoggard]

KoolKat,Nice to see young people being creative. Its obvious you are a free thinking person and are able to convey the imagery in your mind to the words youve written.Youve gotten some great advice from th previous posts. This can be overwhelming I know. Just take the things from this advice that you can relate to and use it how you like.My suggestion:You are trying too hard to ryhme. Figure out what style or genre of music you are trying to write and focus on that. Simplify things wherever possible. You have some really good lines and as dayson said, your first verse is a great opening. Remember a few simple tips, 1st verse: sets up the story2nd verse: Gives more information realating to the story using great imagery. Ususally, the 2nd verse is the part of the song where the listener really starts to understand what the story is about.Chorus: This is where the "hook" grabs the listener. It can even be 3 or 4 repeated lines. Coupled with a good musical "riff". This is usually where the title of the song sits. If your title is the "hook" this is where you want it to stand out!3rd verse: This is where the story starts to wind down. A few lines that remind the listener what the story was about or lines that hit the listener with the dramatic effect of the song.Chorus: Just repeat the chourus. This is the "hook" or the part that sticks in the listeners head.Bridge: (If used) Not all songs have a bridge. The bridge is the part of the song that uses a key change or chord variation. This is when you give a simple but powerful lyrical summary to the story.This is just a basic map of how most popular songs are written. Some have 4 verses. Some have no bridge at all. Some have the bridge in different spots. Listen to some songs. you will start to see how they are crafted. A great example of Verse-Chorus, Verse-Chorus, Verse-Bridge-Chorus is Jamey Johnson's "In Color". Its a really well written traditional country song. Very simple but extremely powerful. Good Luck with your writing. We will want to hear some of your songs one day!Matt.

[mojobone]

Good posts, above. I'll expand a little on Matt's; there are many ways to set up a rhyme scheme, and relatively few rhymes in English that aren't overused in songs. If you rhyme at the end of every line, you may find yourself struggling to come up with rhymes that aren't stale. Many writers prefer to rhyme every other or every third line, if the melodic phrasing allows. You may want to invest in a rhyming dictionary and a thesaurus, if you haven't already. Meter is another concept that goes hand in hand with melody and rhyme scheme; it's all about how many syllables are in each line. If every line has the same number of syllables, the listener can get bored, so it's a good idea to develop patterns of syllables. Try writing haiku and adding rhymes for exercise. There are many pre-fab patterns of syllables or forms, like sonnet, iambic pentameter, etc. A basic poetry book or two might be helpful in exploring some of those options. I heartily recommend "The Craft Of Lyric Writing" by Sheila Davis and "If They Ask You, You Can Write A Song" by Al Kascha and Joel Hirschorn (dumb title but great book).Good luck on your journey, and please feel free to ask more questions.

[koolkat017]

thanks for the advice and i'm definitely gonna check out those books mojobone mentioned. thanks for the example and great advice dayson1. i'm writing a song halfway now so i'll be posting it in a couple of days. thanks again you guys!!!

[matthoggard]

Your welcome!!!Just remember us little guys when you hit the big time!! One book ill add to Mojo's list is "88 songwriting wrongs and how to right them."Pat and Pete Luboff.easy to read and very informative.M~

[koolkat017]

here's the new lyrics i jus finished writing. and this time i remembered to write a title,you and me (but i'm considering using 'seriously' instead)did u ever thinkabout the real youdon't let it sinkunder youthe person i once knewisn't youits like you're brand newwho are you???seriously can't you seethat it's meonce we were a webut now it's only you and metogether we were happydon't call me crazydon't touch medon't call mestay away, babyif you love meit started with a notebookit started hereu gave me a looklike you caredyou wrote your number in itwhen i couldn't seeu suddenly hita person that was meu asked me on a datewen u were saying sorrywe'll leave it to fateto weave the storywe went on so many datesand i couldn't wait to seewhat you would createjust for meseriously can't you seethat it's mewe were meant to bebut now were're still a you and metogether we are happydon't call me crazydon't touch medon't call mejust tell meyou love mepleaz say it to mei jus wanna hear those wordscoming from youbtw another question, if i wanna post up me singing my songs do i have to have the background music or can i jus sing it? been wanting to ask this for ages but i jus forgot hehe

[jkoob]

Hey Koolkat!Looks like you already got a lot of great ideas from the forum members.I think it is GREAT that you are writing songs. It looks like you do something that I like to do a lot in my songs, but the people who review songs tell me not to do it. Its rhyming.Now I think it depends upon the style of music that interests you. I like to write country western, so there the rhymes are few and far between. Other members who write in other styles could tell you better about those styles.One other thing. How long is your song? It sounds like you like to sing so go ahead and sing it and see how long it takes. Then compare it with songs on the radio. Others would know better than I, but I think you want to be around 3 minutes.Keep writing.Jeff