My Father - is it good, how would you produce it?

[deantaylor]

This is just a rough melody draft. Is it good? How would you produced it .. genre, style? Listen here:http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default ... 05958Lyric below. It has been updated since the vocal to make it more 'present tense'.Thanks,Dean and Svenni--------------------------------------------------------------MY FATHER © 2008 by Svenni Bjorgvins & Dean Brantley Taylor Lyrics by Dean Brantley Taylor (ASCAP) www.sonicbids.com/DeanBrantleyTaylor Music by Svenni Bjorgvins www.svennib.com VERSE Time takes a dive through the tears in my eyes My father is lying there dead I know what has happened, but do not believe ‘Cause I see him standing instead I see the times he threw me the ball The crack of a bat, football in fall When I hear a voice, I know (that) it’s him Teaching me things over again CHORUS My father and I, my father the man My father will always be there My father’s big hand I know I will shake it again VERSE Delusion is sweet. It’s my candy denial I’m standing right next to him This is a true vision. Consciousness lies He is much too tall to have died I'm there the day he taught me to drive I feel the wheel, and my joy inside When I find third gear, still smooth on the clutch Driving his o-old pickup CHORUS BRIDGE A pull on my line, there’s no better fun I smell the salt. I am his son We’re watching a big redfish run CHORUS CHORUS (optional) TAG In the rippled salt water by a setting sun We’re still watching that redfish run END © 2008 by Svenni Bjorgvins & Dean Brantley Taylor

[billg]

Hi Dean, what I know about the country "high- bar" would fit in a thimble, that said I'm just not hearing the big huge hooky chorus that I think you would need. I think you might get a response like I get a lot " this would be a great album cut but that's not what we're looking for" . . . hey, I might put that on my tombstone!

[ideascapes]

Hey Dean, you didn't mention whether that country high bar was for the US or Sweden...(wink)I don't pretend to fully understand the country market, but the bar is very high indeed, with 5000+ songwriters in Nashville alone. What we heard at the TAXI rally is that the trend is for rhythmically interesting melodies, visual, conversational lyrics, and universal themes.Although I find this a sweet song, to my ears it doesn't hit any of the criteria above, except for the theme. Lyrically, you do have some wonderful phrases in there (The cool a’ the wheel, my joy inside; When I find third gear, still smooth on the clutch). Melodically, it seems fairly plain and, like bill, I don't hear much of a lift in the chorus. There were a few occasions when I felt like the rhythm of the words and the accents on the melody didn't quite match.All in all, I like the song, but don't think it's "high bar."Vince

[matthoggard]

Dean.A touching stroyline for sure. Its a situation we all either have dealt or will deal with.A decent melody for the chosen chord progressions. It is well suited for some nice harmonies.Unfortunatley, it just doesnt grab me from the start. After I realized the recorded vocal line was different from the lyrics I went back and listened a couple more times.As Bill said, your chorus is just not the big hooky chorus that contemporary country music is all about these days. Actually this is set up more like an 80's rock song. The chord structure is a little generic and I could pretty much tell which way each change was going to go before it came up. That isnt necessarily bad. Country (especially current "high bar" country) is really looking for a modern sound with musical and lyrical twists. This is more neo-traditional. I dont feel that the lyrics are conversational enough. You have some really good lines. i.e. "my fathers big hand I know I will shake again", and "the crack of a bat/ football in fall".These bring out nice imagery and are very relatable for most of us.Other lines are just out of left field. " delusion is sweet its my candy denial" and "the cool a the wheel". Im left wondering what this means. I can imagine the meanings but there arent any explanations other than implied meanings. I can tell you from my own returns and reviews that industry peeps have no imagination. You need to really spell out each line and verse. Country songs need to be a 3-4 minute movie with each line or verse being an indvidual scene in the movie. The music is the soundtrack and we all know how well a good score can make a movie memorable.I do like the "tag". It was a nice change musically and melodically. It also tied back nicely to the Bridge. You need to make the music really interesting and the lyric story and hook need to be HUGE.Refine the lyrics, more conversational and make the music stand out so the listener wants to feel your story. Im not sure about other genre's. And its early in development. It might make a good AC song but im no expert there.Decide what you think it should sound like and run with it. M~

[twilsbach]

Hey Dean,I think you need to hold back some of the info you're dishing out so quickly, then repackage and re-deliver it a little later in the song. Specifically the second line is like, WOH! So blunt. To me, thats an emotional brick wall and I'm gonna tune out at that point.I like the overall sense of memory you're trying to paint, though. You've got a clear picture of the story you're trying to tell. Just needs some reworking to really tell it.Take a look at "Just A Dream" by Carrie Underwood.

[matthoggard]

Yes Tim.I was trying to think of song for example. Thats a great example.M~

[deantaylor]

Thanks Guys. I agree with you on the country high-bar point. I didn't write the lyric to be country or 'commercial country', but after a while, I started thinking .. maybe .. so I asked. Plus, I thought I could hear the chorus being delivered much 'bigger' than this.So, I'll re-focus this post. Do you like it? What genre would you produce it in? Thanks,Dean

[cjdenecia]

dean ..... what genre? easy. americana. period. that's where it lives, that's where it belongs. now - on that, it can be moved into country with a whole lot of work and it can move into more AC but it won't have much appeal there unless it's the country fans that are forced to listen to those stations by their spouse or sig other ...so it falls into that style. folk maybe too - but that's such an overused term it almost means nothing any more ....is it good? hmmmm .... define good for me? it's good cus you thought enough about the topic to write the song ... and it's good enough to be proud to show cus it sure don't suck.but it doesn't sound as if you will be able to pull it up into the hit category of any genre based on it's chorus which doesn't hook and it's rather personal lyric which would need to be fabulous to make up for that ...the words are quite personal, have a few ideas in them that people in general can relate to but all in all, are really just your story. or the storytellers story ... and the number of specific metaphors (or realities if they are) won't click with a lot of listeners.and really, there's just a lot of stark lines that don't "sing" incredibly well. I think I've said it here before, but if not, elsewhere, that a bit more thought should be put into how certain vowels and words fit into a melody ... IMO a melody needs more attention to that than we sometimes give it.to be honest, as well, I think this song might have a better overall vibe with a piano vs an acoustic ... don't know why I say that except my ear and head says so ... of course, you may not have access or the chords might not transfer incredibly easily but that's just what's coming to mind. and with that piano, I think it might sound a bit smoother in ways ...anyway, that's my buck 2 seventy seven ...and I'm pretty sure I only have about 20 bucks more to spend here ... so, hope it helps.btw - did you know that you're not supposed to be linking these songs up from different web sites? the forum admin informed me of that just tonight. unless my rules are different than yours ...but good luck man. keep banging on. no matter how hard we wanna try to turn this into strictly business, it's still something we do for love - and the heart of music. and you have that.

[deantaylor]

CJ, Thanks. Americana sounds about right. Although, I do think that in America, the 3 main examples of father-son connection in the song will be accessible to many others, 1. sports: baseball, football, 2. learning to drive a car, and 3. fishing. Which 3 would you pick over them? These are personal to me, I write better that way, so maybe there are 3 better ones for others, but ..... what are they? (remember USA, not UK) Give me the lines that don't sing well to you .. I can work on that.Matt, thanks. I was thinking I needed to change the 'cool of the wheel line' .. it was a bit of a leftover from an early draft. Changed it above .. for now .. there are a few other ways it could go.Dean

[cjdenecia]

Nov 30, 2008, 4:19pm, deantaylor wrote:CJ, Thanks. Americana sounds about right. Although, I do think that in America, the 3 main examples of father-son connection in the song will be accessible to many others, 1. sports: baseball, football, 2. learning to drive a car, and 3. fishing. Which 3 would you pick over them? These are personal to me, I write better that way, so maybe there are 3 better ones for others, but ..... what are they? (remember USA, not UK) Give me the lines that don't sing well to you .. I can work on that.Matt, thanks. I was thinking I needed to change the 'cool of the wheel line' .. it was a bit of a leftover from an early draft. Changed it above .. for now .. there are a few other ways it could go.Dean1. hey, I'm american. I just play a brit in the movies!2. women. anything women oriented, first love, first sex, girls girls girls3. honor. ethics. principles.4. family and friends.5. rude obnoxious bastards that should be shot and displayed in the village square as the losers they are. I'll audition.