MY LOVE, country

[deantaylor]

Country .. for an artist like Brad Paisley
Is it good enough to jump the country high-bar?
How would you rate it: excellent, very good, good, average, below average
Judge it tough, against the stuff you love or hear on the radio today.
See any problems? See any room for improvement?

Thanks,
Dean
------------------------------------------------

MY LOVE
© 2010 by Dean Brantley Taylor

VERSE
I was 17 and I was leaving home
Following a love that was busting out on its own
My girlfriend’s Dad had moved her far away
He got a better job. It seemed to happen in a matter of days

Yeah, L.A’s a long drive from Birmingham
But my love just had to hold her hand

CHORUS
‘Cause without her, I didn’t like the way Garth sang
Friday nights’ big game didn’t have the same bang
My love didn’t care if we won or lost
My heart was grey as that old spanish moss
Stuck hangin’ there on a dyin’ oak tree
No purpose in life, just swingin’ in a stale damp breeze
My love decided (it had) to break free

VERSE
I was on the road with her kiss on my mind
(Got) Feeling better as I crossed over each state line
My best friend Steve said “come out with the guys”
My folks told me I'd heal, there’d be other girls, give it a little time

But my love was too strong for reasoning
My love was doing all my thinking

CHORUS
And without her, it didn’t like the way Garth sang
…….

BRIDGE
Turns out my love is a bit impetuous
It gets overwhelmed and acts in a rush
In a few days, I knew we weren’t meant to be
But it wasn’t the last time my love took control of me

CHORUS
So many times, I/it wouldn’t like the way Garth sang
A big football game didn’t have the same bang
My love wouldn’t care if we won or lost
My heart went grey as that old spanish moss
Stuck hangin’ there on a dyin’ oak tree
No purpose in life, just swingin’ in a stale damp breeze
My love would decide (it had) to break free

TAG
Even now, sometimes my love still takes control of me

END

[waltl]

Dean,

I think you have a really good start. Verse 1 does a terrific job of introducing the situation; it gets the listener's attention and clearly states what is going on.

The Chorus has excellent concrete images that express how the guy is feeling. Here's something you might consider: There are two lines about the football game and two lines about the Spanish moss. How about two lines about country music? Something like --

CHORUS
‘Cause without her, I didn’t like the way Garth sang.
And Loretta didn't move me like the way she should. (OR the way she should of done)
Friday nights’ big game didn’t have the same bang
My love didn’t care if we won or lost
My heart was grey as that old spanish moss
Stuck hangin’ there on a dyin’ oak tree
No purpose in life, just swingin’ back and forth in the breeze
My love decided it had to break free

One other point about the Chorus: The Spanish moss image is very negative - stuck on a dying tree. That's effective. But the next line presents an image that to me is positive, usually pleasant - "swingin’ back and forth in the breeze."

One thought on the lyrical hook: I wonder if it should be more than just "My Love." The last line of the Bridge and the tag line seem to me to come closer to presenting the hook in the sense of stating the main idea of the song:

My love took control of me, OR
But it wasn’t the last time my love took control of me

Walt

[deantaylor]

Thanks Walt,

You hit on 2 things, that I've been going back and forth on.

I once had 'My love took control of me' as the hook line in the chorus .. it's still an option.

I've got several ideas to replace 'swinging back and forth in the breeze' ... you make a good point about that. My other ideas are all more 'negative'. I couldn't put my finger on why I wanted to change that phrase .. maybe you did.

Dean

[deantaylor]

Dean,

One other point about the Chorus: The Spanish moss image is very negative - stuck on a dying tree. That's effective. But the next line presents an image that to me is positive, usually pleasant - "swingin’ back and forth in the breeze."

Walt

Walt, you're right about the breeze line. I changed it to something more negative. Thanks.

No purpose in life, just swingin’ in a stale damp breeze

Dean

[exedmd]

Hi, my name is Mike Simmons (exedmd). I have only very recently joined taxi and have no right to comment on your song but I feel pretty strongly about it (which is good) and if my comments have any value fine, if not ignore me.

So here goes. You have just written two songs; the more interesting from a country point of view is the love song (after all the majority of country listeners are women) the story about the teenager who doesn't know what he wants is more an alt rock or at the best an alt country song.

Second thing is this. Your chorus starts out great (for the love song) but the spanish moss lines are those kind of lines that I can totally relate to as a lyric writer; they are fabulous lines that don't fit the song (dammit!). Save them for another song.

Third thing is this. The first verse sets the scene just fine as the previous commenter commented. However, how many songs do you know that start out "she was just seventeen, you know what I mean..." The second verse is much more creative at saying what you mean. A close corollary to this is Willie Nelson's rule: (an approximate quote) always make the first line grab your attention.

Fourth thing is this. Economy of words. Make every word direct you towards the development of the story. Don't use words to fill the rhythm or the rhyme unless they are also directing you to the picture you are trying to paint (my wife drives me crazy with this one...honey there are too many words).

I comment because I think you have the beginnings of a really good song here. Cheers!!!

[deantaylor]

Hey Mike, thanks for the feedback. Very much appreciated!

And welcome to the forum. Good to have you here.

Dean