New Country Song - I'm Stumbling

[FMstereo]

Hi there

I started work on this song for the Berklee lyric course I did last term. Any comments would be appreciated.

I’m Stumbling (female vocal)

Your faded denim eyes lock into mine
And I wish that I could make this moment last
As I smile a nervous laugh escapes my lips
My high heel slides, I slip on the concrete path
You grab my hand

Hey, something’s happ’ning, I’m like a prisoner
Trapped in a world that’s fast becoming dizzier

Chorus
Oh, oh, oh
I’m stumbling, uh, uh, oh
It’s the way you look at me
I lose control, my jellied brain’s all wobbly
I’m fumbling, uh, uh, oh
This means so much to me
And every time you’re near I forget to breathe
I’m stumbling

You pull the chair out next to me at lunch
I feel my temples pulse and start to tense
When you start to talk and ask me how I am
My mouth goes dry, my words ain’t making sense
You nod your head

Hey, something’s happ’ning with you at the table
You’re making every moment here unstable

Oh, oh, oh
I’m stumbling, uh, uh, oh
It’s the way you look at me
I lose control, my jellied brain’s all wobbly
I’m fumbling, uh, uh, oh
This means so much to me
And every time you’re near I forget to breathe
I’m stumbling

Don’t know why my world’s caught up in such a storm
‘Cause I’ve never felt so sure ‘bout anyone before

Oh, oh, oh
I’m stumbling, uh, uh, oh
It’s the way you look at me
I lose control, my jellied brain’s all wobbly
I’m fumbling, uh, uh, oh
This means so much to me
And every time you’re near I forget to breathe
I’m stumbling


© 2013 F-M Cossey (APRA)

Cheers

[mikeShort]

I like so much about this. It's really good. I've got a couple of things to think about (not even really suggestions), but mainly I'd like to point out whats so good about this.

Your faded denim eyes lock into mine <== a really interesting way of say "blue" but also sets up the character quickly
And I wish that I could make this moment last
As I smile a nervous laugh escapes my lips
My high heel slides, I slip on the concrete path <== the contrast between the denim and high heels is excellent
You grab my hand <== I love the way the "singee" pretty much ignores the singer's actions, but is just there for her

Hey, something’s happ’ning, I’m like a prisoner
Trapped in a world that’s fast becoming dizzier <== I wonder if this would be stronger without "trapped" Not sure.

Chorus
Oh, oh, oh <== my singing partner doesn't like "oh" or "na-na" or "oo-oo" so I guess we can't do your song
I’m stumbling, uh, uh, oh
It’s the way you look at me
I lose control, my jellied brain’s all wobbly <== love it
I’m fumbling, uh, uh, oh <== nice deep rhyme
This means so much to me
And every time you’re near I forget to breathe
I’m stumbling

You pull the chair out next to me at lunch
I feel my temples pulse and start to tense
When you start to talk and ask me how I am
My mouth goes dry, my words ain’t making sense
You nod your head <== again with the "being there" and not worrying about the reaction ... "singee" is in totally control, a nice constrast with the singer.

Hey, something’s happ’ning with you at the table
You’re making every moment here unstable <== I'm wondering if it's possible to draw this picture by making the singer complain about the table itself being unstable (since the audience already knows it's not the table but the singer)

Oh, oh, oh
I’m stumbling, uh, uh, oh
It’s the way you look at me
I lose control, my jellied brain’s all wobbly
I’m fumbling, uh, uh, oh
This means so much to me
And every time you’re near I forget to breathe
I’m stumbling

Don’t know why my world’s caught up in such a storm
‘Cause I’ve never felt so sure ‘bout anyone before <== Could this be stronger if the second line was storm-related?

Oh, oh, oh
I’m stumbling, uh, uh, oh
It’s the way you look at me
I lose control, my jellied brain’s all wobbly
I’m fumbling, uh, uh, oh
This means so much to me
And every time you’re near I forget to breathe
I’m stumbling


© 2013 F-M Cossey (APRA)

Cheers

[FMstereo]

Hi Mike

Thanks for all your positive words and constructive comments.

Cheers
F-M

[nylyrics]

Hi FM:

Cool song idea - it's fun. Here are a few comments. Please take it with salt - trust you own instincts.

I’m Stumbling (female vocal)

Your faded denim eyes lock into mine (onto/into not sure just a thought)
And I wish that I could make this moment last (not sure you need this line and you may re-write and pair laugh/path)
As I smile a nervous laugh escapes my lips
My high heel slides, I slip on the concrete path
You grab my hand

Hey, something’s happ’ning, I’m like a prisoner
Trapped in a world that’s fast becoming dizzier (maybe just uh oh im feeling dizzier) and then chorus I'm stumbling ....

Chorus
Oh, oh, oh
I’m stumbling, uh, uh, oh
It’s the way you look at me
I lose control, my jellied brain’s all wobbly
I’m fumbling, uh, uh, oh
This means so much to me (not sure you need this line)
And every time you’re near I forget to breathe
I’m stumbling

You pull the chair out next to me at lunch
I feel my temples pulse and start to tense (maybe a little less intense - getting like a mad vs nervous image)
When you start to talk and ask me how I am
My mouth goes dry, my words ain’t making sense (dont like "aint" in this maybe don't make sense?)
You nod your head

Hey, something’s happ’ning with you at the table
You’re making every moment here unstable (uh oh ...something..maybe re-work like suggested above)

Oh, oh, oh
I’m stumbling, uh, uh, oh
It’s the way you look at me
I lose control, my jellied brain’s all wobbly (maybe my brain feels like jelly)
I’m fumbling, uh, uh, oh
This means so much to me
And every time you’re near I forget to breathe
I’m stumbling

Don’t know why my world’s caught up in such a storm
‘Cause I’ve never felt so sure ‘bout anyone before (seems a little to much to be so sure so soon maybe stick with new and nervous)

Oh, oh, oh
I’m stumbling, uh, uh, oh
It’s the way you look at me
I lose control, my jellied brain’s all wobbly
I’m fumbling, uh, uh, oh
This means so much to me
And every time you’re near I forget to breathe
I’m stumbling


© 2013 F-M Cossey (APRA)

Cheers

[FMstereo]

Hi Andy

Thanks for your comments. You've made some good points.

Cheers