NEW LYRICS - Feedback pretty please

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megannuell
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NEW LYRICS - Feedback pretty please

Post by megannuell » Mon Dec 17, 2012 1:09 am

First time posting lyrics so am a little nervous, strike that.... very nervous. I have music for verse and chorus so far, I always struggle with the bridge : ( any help/feedback/advice is so very appreciated.

I am attempting to write for film/TV/advertising in case this helps critique.

Sunshine always from Megan : )


ALONE
© Megan Nuell 2012

Another river falls on my pillow
Another breath quietly sobbed
I lie awake in heartbreak beside you
My soul spent, my heart robbed
My eyes close around the moisture
I pray the darkness drinks me in
Please let sleep come this time
Let me be done thinking

FOR EVERYTHING WE HAVE
FOR THIS GREAT DIVIDE
THE TEARS THAT FLOOD THE VALLEYS BELOW
FOR ALL THE TIMES WE'VE TRIED
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF, ALONE

You've never lifted a hand to me
You've never raised your voice
You've never forced yourself on me
Or taken away my choice
Still I am broken
The lacerations show
From this loveless life
That has stolen all my hope

FOR EVERYTHING WE HAVE
FOR THIS GREAT DIVIDE
THE TEARS THAT FLOOD THE VALLEYS BELOW
FOR ALL THE TIMES WE'VE TRIED
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF, ALONE

Bridge
I want to open my mouth
and let it pour out
Out of my heart, out of my soul
I want to feel warmth instead of cold
I want to know love
I want to feel love
For me, For me
Alone

FOR EVERYTHING WE HAVE
FOR THIS GREAT DIVIDE
THE TEARS THAT FLOOD THE VALLEYS BELOW
FOR ALL THE TIMES WE'VE TRIED
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF, ALONE

simonsays
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Re: NEW LYRICS - Feedback pretty please

Post by simonsays » Mon Dec 17, 2012 11:56 am

Hi Megan,
Ok, I'll try to play nice. 'Try' being the operative word for me. ;) As usual with my crits ... please feel free to keep or sweep ... as you see fit! (Yep, I'm in a seussian mood again ... green words and trying to ham things up! :D )
Steve


)
megannuell wrote:First time posting lyrics so am a little nervous, strike that.... very nervous. I have music for verse and chorus so far, I always struggle with the bridge : ( any help/feedback/advice is so very appreciated.

I am attempting to write for film/TV/advertising in case this helps critique.

Sunshine always from Megan : )


ALONE
© Megan Nuell 2012

Another river (falls on) my pillow [I had some trouble with this image. individual drops I can picture falling/dropping ... a 'river' though IMO (runs down). Yes, waterfalls are rivers that drop down ... but 'rivers that fall' sounds a bit contrived to me as a substitute. But heck, that might be just me nitpicking. ;) ]
Another breath quietly sobbed
I lie (awake) in (heartbreak) beside you [Nice assonance here! :)]
My soul spent, my heart (robbed) [I understand you were probably just going for a rhyme here, but one does not rob ones-self ... so ... why would she be blaming herself for that? If her heart is gone, but not taken ... perhaps it's just lost?]
My eyes close around the moisture
I pray the (darkness drinks) me in [Nice alliteration, and sticking to your analogy here! :)]
Please let sleep come this time
Let me be done thinking

FOR EVERYTHING WE (HAVE) [(Have) sounds like the good stuff to me ... I would expect blame to be for what was (lost)]
FOR THIS GREAT DIVIDE
THE TEARS THAT FLOOD THE VALLEYS BELOW
FOR ALL THE TIMES WE'VE TRIED
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF, ALONE

You've never lifted a hand to me
You've never () raised your voice [(Once) might place unnecessary emphasis here ... but I found myself adding it in my head anyway. (Just another keep or sweep thing.)]
You've never forced yourself on me
Or taken away my choice
Still I am broken
The (lacerations) show [if she blames herself ... (flagellations) might work better here. That is, if you're willing to lose the alliteration tie-in with the next line. It's up to you, of course.]
From this (loveless life) [I love great alliteration. Nice job here! :) ]
That has stolen all my hope

FOR EVERYTHING WE HAVE
FOR THIS GREAT DIVIDE
THE TEARS THAT FLOOD THE VALLEYS BELOW
FOR ALL THE TIMES WE'VE TRIED
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF, ALONE

Bridge
I want to open my mouth [This bridge does not work for me for a couple of reasons. First, the imagery is indistinct. What does she want pouring out? (Her love?) What does that look like in your mind? Second, If she's pouring out her love for someone else ... why do you later say it's ... for her alone? Now, if it's her (knowing and feeling love) that's for her alone, then it would seem to imply that she might have been cheated on ... and that brings us back to her logically blaming him, instead of herself again. (at least if you want a sympathetic character, one a singer would want to sing about) :( ]

and let (it) pour out [What is it?]
Out of my heart, out of my soul
I want to feel warmth instead of cold
I want to know love
I want to feel love
For me, For me
Alone

FOR EVERYTHING WE HAVE
FOR THIS GREAT DIVIDE
THE TEARS THAT FLOOD THE VALLEYS BELOW
FOR ALL THE TIMES WE'VE TRIED
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF, ALONE
I hope this was useful for you Megan, and not too tough to take.
Sunshine to you too Megan. (An entirely appropriate sentiment for me right now I think, since it's currently raining here! :D)
Sincerely, Steve (Aka, SimonSays)
Last edited by simonsays on Thu Dec 27, 2012 1:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

megannuell
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Re: NEW LYRICS - Feedback pretty please

Post by megannuell » Thu Dec 27, 2012 3:04 am

Thanks so much for your response Steve, taking the time to give me feedback line by line is so very much appreciated. I have worked on the critiques that you gave but am still struggling with the bridge, on completion I will let you have another go ; )

Thanks so much again,
Sunshine always from Megan

megannuell
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Re: NEW LYRICS - Feedback pretty please

Post by megannuell » Sat Aug 30, 2014 1:15 pm

It's been quite a while, I have actually had this song produced since I last posted, but I was still interested in the follow up critique from Steve :)

ALONE
© Megan Nuell 2012

Another river soaking my pillow
Another breath quietly sobbed
I lie awake in heartbreak beside you
My soul spent, my heart throbs
My eyes close around the moisture
I pray the darkness drinks me in
Please let sleep come this time
Let me be done thinking

FOR EVERYTHING WE HAD
FOR THIS GREAT DIVIDE
THE TEARS THAT FLOOD THE VALLEYS BELOW
FOR ALL THE TIMES WE'VE TRIED
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF, ALONE

You never lifted a hand to me
You never raised your voice
You've never forced yourself on me
Or taken away my choice
Still I am broken
The lacerations show
From this loveless life
That has stolen all my hope

CHORUS

Bridge

I want to open my mouth
and let the pain pour out
Like sand through broken fingers
Fall silently to the ground
I want to know love
I want to feel love
For me, For me, Alone
For me, for me, Alone

CHORUS

isaitamil
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Re: NEW LYRICS - Feedback pretty please

Post by isaitamil » Mon Feb 23, 2015 2:35 am

Hi megannuell!

i am a new person to this forum,you are posted the beautiful lyrics.
Thank you!

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Re: NEW LYRICS - Feedback pretty please

Post by Quintus » Wed Feb 25, 2015 4:54 am

Newbie here too, really great lyrics!

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Re: NEW LYRICS - Feedback pretty please

Post by Quintus » Wed Feb 25, 2015 6:48 am

Think these lyrics are great, great rhyming words, good use of imagery. :)

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Re: NEW LYRICS - Feedback pretty please

Post by TheFates » Tue Apr 14, 2015 8:09 am

Hi Megan,

Thanks for sharing your lyrics. Why does the singer take blame for the demise of the relationship? The first verse describes the state of pain, the second verse absolves the romantic partner of any wrongdoing.

Hope this helps.

Elizabeth

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funsongs
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Re: NEW LYRICS - Feedback pretty please

Post by funsongs » Tue Apr 14, 2015 8:31 am

megannuell wrote: ALONE
© Megan Nuell 2012

Another river soaking my pillow
Another breath quietly sobbed
I lie awake in heartbreak beside you
My soul spent, my heart throbs
My eyes close around the moisture
I pray the darkness drinks me in
Please let sleep come this time
Let me be done thinking
late to this lyrical party... fwiw/keeping comments brief:
thought that the imagery created in your original post was working (not discounting edits that were suggested that you incorporated); but I prefer the original 4th line where you used "robbed" instead of "throbs"... the idea of feeling like something's been stolen from you feels like a stronger sentiment; but it may also be a bit contradictory if you're pushing the idea that you are blaming yourself.
Anywho: looking forward to hearing this put to melody & music... the storyline looks good.

On a side note: while Country songs are notorious for their "heart-broken & cheatin'" songs;
it seems to me that the ladies are waaaaaaayyy better at writing and singing
(or: "rattin'-n-sangin") songs about relational heartbreak... and making you really feel it.
The guys just head for the nearest bar. 8-) :? ;)

Cheers,
Peter R.
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1

ED: YEOW!! oops... forgot to look at the fine-print... the date of the original post of this was back in 2012!! Are we even still relevant?! :? :shock:
Peter Rahill
website: www.peterrahill.com
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
You Tube channel: Peter Rahill - funsongs
https://taxi.com/peterrahill
“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra

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