New Lyrics "In the Sunshine" wondering if....

[nylyrics]

Hello Kind Songwriters and Happy New Year!

Wondering if this lyric story is coming across clear enough?

The truth and nothing but the truth is fine. I also would like to know if
it feels enjoyable?

Thank you in advance.
(bridge still needs to be written if i end up needing one)
Andy


In the Sunshine
Words and Music © 2012 Andy Mackay

Took till after midnight to taste your lips
But it was worth the wait
You haven’t gone and I already miss you
Why don’t you stay?
Did we really dance in grand central station?
Walk though the park in the dark?
Offer a hand to the paper lantern man
And watch the flames float to the stars?

I don’t want -this night - to end
I’ve got to see you again

I want to see you in the sunshine
I’ve got to stay by your side
Lay your head on my chest
Get some sleep let your body rest
Let your body rest on mine
I’ll see you in the sunshine

How 'bout that guitar girl playin the subway stairs
Who looked at us and said
You two seem to own the night
I bet you’re newly wed
Did we steal a ride round the carousel?
Did we sing with that bleeker street band?
think my world changed when we sat on that bench
And you reached to hold my hand

I don’t want -this night - to end
I’ve got to see you again

I want to see you in the sunshine
I’ve got to stay by your side
Lay your head on my chest
Get some sleep let your body rest
Let your body rest on mine
I’ll see you in the sunshine

[simonsays]

Hi Andy (aka, nylyrics),
An early HAPPY NEW YEAR to you too!
I enjoyed it. Only a couple things stood out for me. (See below)
Steve (aka, SimonSays)

Hello Kind Songwriters and Happy New Year!

Wondering if this lyric story is coming across clear enough?

The truth and nothing but the truth is fine. I also would like to know if
it feels enjoyable?

Thank you in advance.
(bridge still needs to be written if i end up needing one)
Andy


In the Sunshine [This title doesn't seem to fit the lyric IMO. Most of the of the verse references I absorbed referenced 'the night'. ]
Words and Music © 2012 Andy Mackay

Took till after midnight to taste your lips
But it was worth the wait
You haven’t gone and I already miss you [I do like this concept, but it has been used a lot. (in "Call Me, Maybe" most recently, I believe)]
Why don’t you stay?
Did we really dance in grand central station?
Walk though the park in the dark?
Offer (a hand to the paper lantern man) [Loved the assonance here!]
And watch the (flames float) to the stars? [Nice alliteration.]

I don’t want -this (night) - to end [You could drop the (night) and this would still work. IMO ... It doesn't match up well with your title.]
I’ve got to see you again

I want to see you (in the sunshine) [Good hammering home of your title.]
I’ve got to stay by your side
Lay your head on my chest
Get some sleep let your body rest
Let your body rest on mine
I’ll see you (in the sunshine)

How 'bout that guitar girl playin the subway stairs
Who looked at us and said
You two seem to own the night
I bet you’re newly wed
Did we steal a ride round the carousel?
Did we sing with that bleeker street band?
think my world changed when we sat on that bench
And you reached to hold my hand

I don’t want -this (night) - to end
I’ve got to see you again

I want to see you (in the sunshine)
I’ve got to stay by your side
Lay your head on my chest
Get some sleep let your body rest
Let your body rest on mine
I’ll see you (in the sunshine)

[inga]

Like it.

line 3.

You haven’t gone and I already miss you
Why don’t you stay?

you havent gone ....but.... I already miss you
why ....not.... stay?