New Member from South Africa

[STsatsi]

Hi guys, i am new to Taxi. I am a Songwriter who specializes in RnB, Soul, Christian Contemporary and Afro-Pop.

I joined Taxi so that I could be around like-minded people who can help me improve my songwriting craft, and so i can build relationships for collaborations.

I plan to record at least 2 songs every month for the next 5 years for Tv and Flim Synch Licensing. I would therefore appreciate you taking your time to critique.

Below is a link to a song i will be re-recording next month so that I can send it to a Music Library. May you kindly give me your feedback on everything; songwriting, vocals, production, etc.

https://soundcloud.com/stsatsi/bridge-t ... =clipboard

Lyrics: Bridge to Heaven

Verse 1

Like a bird with no wings

The sun with no moon

A house with no roof

I’m nothing without you


Like a hand with no arm

A bee with no sting

A gun with no bullets

I would die without you

Prechorus

Baby you’re the Lily

Amongst the thorns

The well that I’ll drink from 


O my love

How beautiful you are

There’s no flaw in you


Forever and ever

We staying together

We not slowing down

Honey, we are a shooting star


CHORUS

You’re my bridge

You’re my bridge

That connects me to heaven

Darling, far away from these 

Worldly pains


With you I fly

I soar to the heavens

Baby, High and High

I shoot through the sky


Verse 2

I’m keeping my salvation

Coz without I’m in hell

I can’t find no love like yours 

I’ll be nothing without you


I would wither

I would wilt

Dry up and burn out

My world would crumble, baby

I’m dying without


Prechorus


CHORUS


Bridge

No I wont get down from this bridge x3

Heaven help me

[AlanHall]

Welcome! I like the vocals and the production. It does sound like it fits on a Contemporary Christian playlist.

I'm bothered by the lyrics. Why is the sun nothing without the moon? It is without the moon for a significant part of each lunar month. Help me realize just how the sun feels (or makes you feel) without the moon during those times. Sad? Lost? Each metaphor (simile, actually) really has to mean something or else they are just throw-away words, like 'pancake lyrics' waiting to be replaced by the 'real lyrics'.

Likewise in the second verse, how does a gun with no bullets die? In a love song, do you really want to go there?

My challenges are intended to poke at your aesthetic sensitivity/sensibility, not to deprive you of your stinger

[STsatsi]

Thank you so much Allan Hall. I totally get what you are saying, especially the part about how sensitive/sensible are the lyrics.

I had written the song as an RNB love song, but I do get how it fits as on a Christian Contemporary Playlist.

Thank you again

[Zaychi]

Hello and welcome.

It seems you suffer from a very familiar disease among TAXI members: not being "contemporary". Now no one knows what the word really means, but this song struck me as sounding very much eighties. You need to look at your sound and play a LOT of current songs from the genre (sorry I can't give you any better pointers than that, I suffer from the same disease!), and copy that sound (and probably vocal delivery as well!) in your production in some way. Alternatively, you can wait for "retro" listings coming along for the genre, but they are much more rare.

As a more practical thing, I think your handclap sound is overdone. As if it was recorded under water... too much reverb?

[STsatsi]

Thank you Zaychi, I'll work on being more contemporary.

[WhiteKix]

I like the melody and overall feel of the song. It sounds like a late 90's R&B song (Which I like, but will limit the amount of listings it would apply to). Even if you keep the song mostly intact and keep the old school vibe, I would still change the sound of the lead piano. It sounds dated compared to the rest of the song (Or more late 90's adult contemporary than late 90's R&B).

[STsatsi]

Thanks Scott, let me see what i can do about the lead piano.

[JohnDroese]

Hi Shaun, Nice Track.... my two cents
1. its a little long I felt it winding out around 3 minutes unless you are going to bring in a bridge that changes things dynamically like piano hits that stop and a vocal that lifts otherwise like I always say leave them wanting more
2.lyrically I feel like the first verse can be stronger especially the second half the words leading up to I would die without you should be just that like "Like a flower without the sun.... like the air I breathe.... When the hunger fills my soul... I would die without you" or something like that I think it would be stronger
3. I also like the line one without one I am nothing without you..... I think the song structure and message give you room to be clever and have a deep message

Nice work Keep it up!!
John

[STsatsi]

Thank you so much John. Let me see what I can do with changing up the vocal performance getting to the bridge.

Thank you so much guys for the feedback, learning alot about making my Lyrics stronger. I will definitely rework those lines.

Thank you so much for taking your time

[irthlingz]

On the sun/moon thing, maybe "a moon with no sun" -- that moon would would be lost in darkness.