Newbie Alert! - Please be gentle

[hounddog]

Hi folks -

I just joined last week and this is my first post looking for feedback for a song I'm currently working on. The song is religious in nature, but I don't think it's necessarily specific to any one religion - more just asking a question.

Here's the intent: Verse 1 is basically trying to say that life has many ways to kick you in the arse. The pre-chorus is saying it's not fair, or right. The chorus asks where does your faith lie? Verse 2 says that many times folks self medicate by external means. Verse 3 says that many times folks turn their self medicating efforts internally.

FWIW - the musical effect is kind of a slow funk meets garage band - very sparse with the verse having kind of a "Billie Jean" type vibe.

Probably too much information, but here are the lyrics:

"Stare Out the Window"
Verse 1:

Sticks and stones
sure break bones
but they’re not the only tool
Thinking so
will only show
how much we play the fool

Pre Chorus:

Where’s the right in all of this
Look around something’s amiss

Chorus:
Which is real
which is odd
Faith in Faith
or faith in God
Stare out the window
feel that pain
Where’s the hope for tomorrow’s gain

Verse 2:

Come to dinner
come to light
come to be the one
Come to find
come to shine
are we having fun?

Verse 3:

Hide away
don’t make waves
shoot something into your veins
Go inside
backward slide
you can always say you tried


Thanks in advance

[jonathansorensen]

You obviously have skill with language. There are some beautiful moments here.

Which is real
which is odd
Faith in Faith
or faith in God
Stare out the window

The third verse is clear and has emotional impact because there are concrete images:
Hide away
don’t make waves
shoot something into your veins
Go inside
backward slide
you can always say you tried

To improve go through and try to eliminate any cliche phrases or images or phrases that just don't seem to have a big impact.

For example:
but they’re not the only tool
Thinking so
will only show
how much we play the fool

The last comment would be that if you have to explain what the lyrics mean, then you haven't finished refining the lyrics. When you're done, 7 out of 10 people should be able to read your lyrics and explain to you what they mean. That means the most difficult task of all: making your lyrics rhyme when you want them to, be beautiful and at the same time communicate clearly and simply exactly what the song means. When you get that down, let me know cause I'd like to know how to do it too!

Good job. Looking forward to more.

Jon