No Mans Land (The Escape)

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LooknGlass
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No Mans Land (The Escape)

Post by LooknGlass » Wed Apr 24, 2013 6:01 pm

I read a disturbing article in the paper that I wish I hadn't read and wrote this. In the song I wanted the girl to escape, unlike her real life counterpart. Comments and suggestions are welcome and appreciated.


(Vs.1)
She looked out the window as the world passed by her
Couldn't bear to glance in the rear view mirror
Dee was leaving that troubled life behind

(Vs.2)
With each passing mile she was getting much stronger
Knew there was no threat to her any longer
Her escape from that hell was well designed

(Chorus)
She's goin nowhere
Anywhere
Somewhere other than what was there
She's off to no man's land
Far from her fathers hands
She's off to no man's land

(Vs.3)
Loved her dear mother but never told her goodbye
Was just as well, mom had believed her dads lie;
that Dee was lying to her out of spite

(Vs.4)
Having packed her suitcase by the light of the moon
went out the window to the roof from her room
with stolen keys drove off into the night

(Chorus)
She's goin nowhere
Anywhere
Somewhere other than what was there
She's off to no man's land
Far from her fathers hands
She's off to no man's land

(Bridge)
Seventeen with ten years of shame
She thinks all men will be like him
So she's headed to a no mans land
To escape the hands of men

(Chorus)
She's goin nowhere
Anywhere
Somewhere other than what was there
She's off to no man's land
Far from fathers hands
She's off to no man's land



© L. James Tanner
"pax vobiscum"

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Re: No Mans Land (The Escape)

Post by mikeShort » Thu Apr 25, 2013 7:07 am

Tough subject. You've laid out a good story here. Each verse builds on the last and takes us where you want us to go. And the twist on No Man's Line is very clever.

I think there are some weak spots that you can tighten up. They almost all have to do with reaching for a rhyme. The rhymes are leading you into awkward constructions that don't sound natural. I've learned to be willing to loosen a rhyme if it leads to a line that sounds like something someone would say. With a little (a lot?) of work, you can get to that point here, and it will strengthen your song. You have the ideas and structure. Now you need the fine-tuning that takes it from good to great.


See below for some places I think have this issue ...
LooknGlass wrote:I read a disturbing article in the paper that I wish I hadn't read and wrote this. In the song I wanted the girl to escape, unlike her real life counterpart. Comments and suggestions are welcome and appreciated.


(Vs.1)
She looked out the window as the world passed by her <=== first we think she's in a room
Couldn't bear to glance in the rear view mirror <=== then we find out it's a car
Dee was leaving that troubled life behind <=== I don't think you need a name here; you can keep it more universal without one

/// I would use the first line to firmly establish she's in a car. You could try flip-flopping the first two lines.


(Vs.2)
With each passing mile she was getting much stronger
Knew there was no threat to her any longer
Her escape from that hell was well designed <=== this sounds like it's here to rhyme with "behind." It sounds odd to my ear.

(Chorus)
She's goin nowhere
Anywhere
Somewhere other than what was there
She's off to no man's land
Far from her fathers hands
She's off to no man's land

(Vs.3)
Loved her dear mother but never told her goodbye
Was just as well, mom had believed her dads lie;
that Dee was lying to her out of spite <=== 'lie' and 'lying' are confusing, and it will be worse if the audience is listening and not reading. I would try something like "That Dee was telling stories out of spite"

(Vs.4)
Having packed her suitcase by the light of the moon
went out the window to the roof from her room <=== the prepositional clauses seem out of order (again, stuck by the rhyme scheme). One goes from the room out the window to the roof. Bouncing around sounds odd.
with stolen keys drove off into the night

(Chorus)
She's goin nowhere
Anywhere
Somewhere other than what was there
She's off to no man's land
Far from her fathers hands
She's off to no man's land

(Bridge)
Seventeen with ten years of shame
She thinks all men will be like him <=== "will be the same" is an easy rhyme that sounds natural.
So she's headed to a no mans land
To escape the hands of men

(Chorus)
She's goin nowhere
Anywhere
Somewhere other than what was there
She's off to no man's land
Far from fathers hands
She's off to no man's land



© L. James Tanner
Mike

"It's not bad. It's just not DONE."
The tall member of 2Late (http://www.2lateonline.com)

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Re: No Mans Land (The Escape)

Post by songmaster » Thu Apr 25, 2013 7:47 am

Hey I absolutely Love the title. This could be a great Kelly Clarkson song. There are not too many songs that tackle this issue. Good job.

Tom

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Re: No Mans Land (The Escape)

Post by mikeymike2000 » Thu Apr 25, 2013 9:31 pm

Hello there Looknglass,

So I am new to this section of the board...

As I was reading these words I heard a melody. Not sure what the protocol is in this section. If you are in the market for a melody on this one let me know and I will shoot over a sketch. :)

If not, all good: nothing ventured, nothing gained. ;)

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Re: No Mans Land (The Escape)

Post by LooknGlass » Fri Apr 26, 2013 3:21 am

mikeymike2000 wrote:Hello there Looknglass,

So I am new to this section of the board...

As I was reading these words I heard a melody. Not sure what the protocol is in this section. If you are in the market for a melody on this one let me know and I will shoot over a sketch. :)

If not, all good: nothing ventured, nothing gained. ;)
Hi Mike, thanks for reading. I sent you a pm concerning your post.
"pax vobiscum"

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Re: No Mans Land (The Escape)

Post by LooknGlass » Fri Apr 26, 2013 7:57 am

mikeShort wrote:Tough subject. You've laid out a good story here. Each verse builds on the last and takes us where you want us to go. And the twist on No Man's Line is very clever.

I think there are some weak spots that you can tighten up. They almost all have to do with reaching for a rhyme. The rhymes are leading you into awkward constructions that don't sound natural. I've learned to be willing to loosen a rhyme if it leads to a line that sounds like something someone would say. With a little (a lot?) of work, you can get to that point here, and it will strengthen your song. You have the ideas and structure. Now you need the fine-tuning that takes it from good to great.


See below for some places I think have this issue ...
LooknGlass wrote:I read a disturbing article in the paper that I wish I hadn't read and wrote this. In the song I wanted the girl to escape, unlike her real life counterpart. Comments and suggestions are welcome and appreciated.


(Vs.1)
She looked out the window as the world passed by her <=== first we think she's in a room
Couldn't bear to glance in the rear view mirror <=== then we find out it's a car
Dee was leaving that troubled life behind <=== I don't think you need a name here; you can keep it more universal without one

/// I would use the first line to firmly establish she's in a car. You could try flip-flopping the first two lines.


(Vs.2)
With each passing mile she was getting much stronger
Knew there was no threat to her any longer
Her escape from that hell was well designed <=== this sounds like it's here to rhyme with "behind." It sounds odd to my ear.

(Chorus)
She's goin nowhere
Anywhere
Somewhere other than what was there
She's off to no man's land
Far from her fathers hands
She's off to no man's land

(Vs.3)
Loved her dear mother but never told her goodbye
Was just as well, mom had believed her dads lie;
that Dee was lying to her out of spite <=== 'lie' and 'lying' are confusing, and it will be worse if the audience is listening and not reading. I would try something like "That Dee was telling stories out of spite"

(Vs.4)
Having packed her suitcase by the light of the moon
went out the window to the roof from her room <=== the prepositional clauses seem out of order (again, stuck by the rhyme scheme). One goes from the room out the window to the roof. Bouncing around sounds odd.
with stolen keys drove off into the night

(Chorus)
She's goin nowhere
Anywhere
Somewhere other than what was there
She's off to no man's land
Far from her fathers hands
She's off to no man's land

(Bridge)
Seventeen with ten years of shame
She thinks all men will be like him <=== "will be the same" is an easy rhyme that sounds natural.
So she's headed to a no mans land
To escape the hands of men

(Chorus)
She's goin nowhere
Anywhere
Somewhere other than what was there
She's off to no man's land
Far from fathers hands
She's off to no man's land



© L. James Tanner


Mike, thanks a lot for taking the time to read my lyric. You have some very good idea's and advise there. I am working on the edit and will post for your consideration. Thanks a million.
"pax vobiscum"

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Re: No Mans Land (The Escape)

Post by LooknGlass » Fri Apr 26, 2013 7:59 am

songmaster wrote:Hey I absolutely Love the title. This could be a great Kelly Clarkson song. There are not too many songs that tackle this issue. Good job.

Tom
Thanks songmaster I appreciate it. I'm working on a better version and I hope you will give your input.
"pax vobiscum"

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Re: No Mans Land (The Escape)

Post by vincent » Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:04 am

I agree with Tom on this lyric..not many songs on this subject, bravo for writing Her escape. When I get on to some subjects I have a tendency to over-write so much, know what I mean? I want to say far more than there is room for. I`m ok with the lyric, and good title to the song also.

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Re: No Mans Land (The Escape)

Post by songmaster » Sun Apr 28, 2013 7:28 am

Hey James I was just looking at the bridge and I thought that, that might be a good place to infuse a little hope for this girl. It's just rough, but maybe you can see the idea. Anyway, like I tell other people, either keep or discard. It's just my opinion. Good luck with the song,

Bridge

She doesn't want to live a life of shame
And hopes all men are not like him
Maybe there's a promise land
Where broken hearts can go to mend.

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Re: No Mans Land (The Escape)

Post by LooknGlass » Sun Apr 28, 2013 11:50 am

songmaster wrote:Hey James I was just looking at the bridge and I thought that, that might be a good place to infuse a little hope for this girl. It's just rough, but maybe you can see the idea. Anyway, like I tell other people, either keep or discard. It's just my opinion. Good luck with the song,

Bridge

She doesn't want to live a life of shame
And hopes all men are not like him
Maybe there's a promise land
Where broken hearts can go to mend.
That's a pretty darn good bridge you wrote there! Really, it is. I will take it into consideration or some form of it at least. thanks for your input on this.
"pax vobiscum"

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