Howdy taxi riders,
I wrote this the other day and would like some feedback on it. I think this could be a great pop country ballad for a male artist. Thanks for your time and suggestions!
"No One Can Love You Like I Do"
Copyright Darin Martin (ASCAP) 2011
V1
When tears that I cried were my best friends
You were there to catch them all for me
When I had nothing left to finish
You are the miracle that came to be
I'll carve my blessings on broken stones
I'll write my hurts in sinking sand
When rain fell from the holes in Heaven
They found a place to rest in your hands
Pre-Chorus
If heartaches are what it takes to reach up the sky
I'll cry an ocean of tears goodbye
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Gave a new song in my heart to sing
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
V2
I went fishing in all the wrong spots
But I caught you and won't let you go
I can feel your breath in my dreams
Show me the way and let your light glow
Will forever with you feel like this?
Your sweet smile takes my breath away
My heart ain't a home without your love
Your my sunrise on a brand new day
Pre-Chorus
If heartaches are what it takes to reach up the sky
I'll cry an ocean of tears goodbye
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Gave a new song in my heart to sing
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
No One Can Love You Like I Do - Male Pop Country - Critique
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dtrain1234
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No One Can Love You Like I Do - Male Pop Country - Critique
Last edited by dtrain1234 on Wed Jul 13, 2011 5:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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simonsays
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Re: "No One Can Love You Like I Do" - Pop Country - Critique
Hi Darin,
First, let me say that I liked a lot of this... especially your pre-chorus.
Here are some of my nit picks:
1.) In (V1)(L1), When (the) tears... (sounds better to my ears).
2.) In (V1)(L2), you could condense (were there to catch) to (caught).
3.) In (V1)(L4), you might try changing (are) to (were).
4.) In (V1)(L6), you might try changing (I'll) to (and).
5.) In (V1)(L7), I've heard something like (Holes in Heaven) before. You might try to come up with something different... Something to match the somber tone.
For example;
When tears fell from skies of cloudy clowns
6.) In (V1)(L8), you might try replacing (place to rest) with (resting place).(resting connects better to the (ing) in sinking.)
7.) In (C)(L6), I keep putting a (me) between (gave) and (a), and a (for) for the next (a).
(remember, if you don't lice dem nasty nit picks... you can de-lice dem.
)
Sincerely, Steve
"No One Can Love You Like I Do"
Copyright Darin Martin (ASCAP) 2011
V1
When tears that I cried were my best friends
You were there to catch them all for me
When I had nothing left to finish
You are the miracle that came to be
I'll carve my blessings on broken stones
I'll write my hurts in sinking sand
When rain fell from the holes in Heaven
They found a place to rest in your hands
Pre-Chorus
If heartaches are what it takes to reach up the sky
I'll cry an ocean of tears goodbye
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Gave a new song in my heart to sing
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
V2
I went fishing in all the wrong spots
But I caught you and won't let you go
I can feel your breath in my dreams
Show me the way and let your light glow
Will forever with you feel like this?
Your sweet smile takes my breath away
My heart ain't a home without your love
Your my sunrise on a brand new day
Pre-Chorus
If heartaches are what it takes to reach up the sky
I'll cry an ocean of tears goodbye
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Gave a new song in my heart to sing
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
First, let me say that I liked a lot of this... especially your pre-chorus.
Here are some of my nit picks:
1.) In (V1)(L1), When (the) tears... (sounds better to my ears).
2.) In (V1)(L2), you could condense (were there to catch) to (caught).
3.) In (V1)(L4), you might try changing (are) to (were).
4.) In (V1)(L6), you might try changing (I'll) to (and).
5.) In (V1)(L7), I've heard something like (Holes in Heaven) before. You might try to come up with something different... Something to match the somber tone.
For example;
When tears fell from skies of cloudy clowns
6.) In (V1)(L8), you might try replacing (place to rest) with (resting place).(resting connects better to the (ing) in sinking.)
7.) In (C)(L6), I keep putting a (me) between (gave) and (a), and a (for) for the next (a).
(remember, if you don't lice dem nasty nit picks... you can de-lice dem.
) Sincerely, Steve
"No One Can Love You Like I Do"
Copyright Darin Martin (ASCAP) 2011
V1
When tears that I cried were my best friends
You were there to catch them all for me
When I had nothing left to finish
You are the miracle that came to be
I'll carve my blessings on broken stones
I'll write my hurts in sinking sand
When rain fell from the holes in Heaven
They found a place to rest in your hands
Pre-Chorus
If heartaches are what it takes to reach up the sky
I'll cry an ocean of tears goodbye
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Gave a new song in my heart to sing
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
V2
I went fishing in all the wrong spots
But I caught you and won't let you go
I can feel your breath in my dreams
Show me the way and let your light glow
Will forever with you feel like this?
Your sweet smile takes my breath away
My heart ain't a home without your love
Your my sunrise on a brand new day
Pre-Chorus
If heartaches are what it takes to reach up the sky
I'll cry an ocean of tears goodbye
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Gave a new song in my heart to sing
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
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dtrain1234
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Re: "No One Can Love You Like I Do" - Pop Country - Critique
REVISED VERSION
"No One Can Love You Like I Do"
Written by Darin Martin (ASCAP) 2011
V1
When the tears I cried were my best friends
You caught all of them for me
When I had nothing left to finish
You were the miracle that came to be
I'll carve my blessings on broken stones
And write my hurts in sinking sand
Raindrops are tears when the angels cry
They found a resting place in your hands
Pre-Chorus
If heartaches are what it takes to reach up the sky
I'll cry an ocean of tears goodbye
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Gave me a new song for my heart to sing
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
V2
I went fishing in all the wrong spots
But I caught you and won't let you go
Your kiss tastes like honey on my lips
Show me the way and let your light glow
Will forever with you feel like this?
Your sweet smile takes my breath away
My heart ain't a home without your love
Your my sunrise on a brand new day
Pre-Chorus
If heartaches are what it takes to reach up the sky
I'll cry an ocean of tears goodbye
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Gave me a new song for my heart to sing
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
"No One Can Love You Like I Do"
Written by Darin Martin (ASCAP) 2011
V1
When the tears I cried were my best friends
You caught all of them for me
When I had nothing left to finish
You were the miracle that came to be
I'll carve my blessings on broken stones
And write my hurts in sinking sand
Raindrops are tears when the angels cry
They found a resting place in your hands
Pre-Chorus
If heartaches are what it takes to reach up the sky
I'll cry an ocean of tears goodbye
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Gave me a new song for my heart to sing
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
V2
I went fishing in all the wrong spots
But I caught you and won't let you go
Your kiss tastes like honey on my lips
Show me the way and let your light glow
Will forever with you feel like this?
Your sweet smile takes my breath away
My heart ain't a home without your love
Your my sunrise on a brand new day
Pre-Chorus
If heartaches are what it takes to reach up the sky
I'll cry an ocean of tears goodbye
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Gave me a new song for my heart to sing
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
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simonsays
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Re: "No One Can Love You Like I Do" - Pop Country - Critique
Hi Darin,
Sorry, I've been doing other stuff. I just saw your revision.
I like it ... I only have three small nits this time.
1.) (V1)(L2), (all of them) could be condensed to (them all). Phonetically speaking,(caught them) is easier to say and sing.
2.) (V1)(L6), (when) could be dropped... without losing anything.
3.) (V1)(L7), you might try substituting the present tense (find) for (found).
(also, how does (tiny) hands sound to you? ... in that same line)
Steve
Sorry, I've been doing other stuff. I just saw your revision.
I like it ... I only have three small nits this time.
1.) (V1)(L2), (all of them) could be condensed to (them all). Phonetically speaking,(caught them) is easier to say and sing.
2.) (V1)(L6), (when) could be dropped... without losing anything.
3.) (V1)(L7), you might try substituting the present tense (find) for (found).
(also, how does (tiny) hands sound to you? ... in that same line)
Steve
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simonsays
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Re: "No One Can Love You Like I Do" - Pop Country - Critique
Hi again Darin,
oops... I think I must have rush-read through your V2.
Here's some more feedback:
V2
(I) went fishing in all the wrong spots
(But?)(then) I caught you (and) won't let you go
Your kiss tastes like (honey)(bait?) (on my)(to these dry?) lips
(Show me the way and) let your light glow [I think this needs more imagery here (fly my little firefly?)]
Will forever with you (always?) feel like this?
Your (sweet smile?) (takes my breath away?)
My heart ain't a home without your love
(Baby,) Your my sunrise on a (brand new day) (Moonlit Bay?) [imagery again]
Cliche check:
1.) Kisses... tasting like honey. (sweet, but been done... to dread. )
In keeping with your fishin' metaphor... how about substituting something like (bait) for (honey)?
2.) Sweet smiles... and taking someones breath away. (Sorry, both been done) (stickin' to your metaphor I suggest something like this)
(your fair face, still snares, each breath I take)
3. brand new days (have seen better days )
Here's what it would look like with edits and substitutions. Remember Darin... all these are suggestions. As always... please feel free to take (as much) (or as little) as you see fit.
Went fishin' -- in all the wrong spots
then I caught you -- won't let you go
your kisses -- taste like bait -- to these dry lips
fly, my little firefly -- let your light glow
will forever with you -- (always) feel like this ?
Lady, your fair face -- still snares -- each breath I take
Honey, my heart ain't (at) home -- without your love
Babe, you're my Sunrise -- on a Moonlit Bay
Sincerely, Steve
oops... I think I must have rush-read through your V2.
Here's some more feedback:
V2
(I) went fishing in all the wrong spots
(But?)(then) I caught you (and) won't let you go
Your kiss tastes like (honey)(bait?) (on my)(to these dry?) lips
(Show me the way and) let your light glow [I think this needs more imagery here (fly my little firefly?)]
Will forever with you (always?) feel like this?
Your (sweet smile?) (takes my breath away?)
My heart ain't a home without your love
(Baby,) Your my sunrise on a (brand new day) (Moonlit Bay?) [imagery again]
Cliche check:
1.) Kisses... tasting like honey. (sweet, but been done... to dread.
)In keeping with your fishin' metaphor... how about substituting something like (bait) for (honey)?
2.) Sweet smiles... and taking someones breath away. (Sorry, both been done) (stickin' to your metaphor I suggest something like this)
(your fair face, still snares, each breath I take)
3. brand new days (have seen better days
)Here's what it would look like with edits and substitutions. Remember Darin... all these are suggestions. As always... please feel free to take (as much) (or as little) as you see fit.
Went fishin' -- in all the wrong spots
then I caught you -- won't let you go
your kisses -- taste like bait -- to these dry lips
fly, my little firefly -- let your light glow
will forever with you -- (always) feel like this ?
Lady, your fair face -- still snares -- each breath I take
Honey, my heart ain't (at) home -- without your love
Babe, you're my Sunrise -- on a Moonlit Bay
Sincerely, Steve
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dtrain1234
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Re: "No One Can Love You Like I Do" - Pop Country - Critique
REWRITE 7/10
"No One Can Love You Like I Do"
Copyright Darin Martin (ASCAP) 2011
V1
When the tears I cried were my best friends
You caught all of them for me
When I had nothing left to give back
You are my miracle that came to be
I'll carve my blessings on broken stones
And write my hurts in sinking sand
Raindrops are tears when the angels cry
They found a resting place on your hands
Pre-Chorus
If heartaches are what it takes to reach up the sky
I'll cry an ocean of tears goodbye
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Gave me a new song for my heart to sing
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
V2
I never believed in fairy tales
But I caught you and I won't let you go
Your kiss tastes like honey on my lips
Like a candle in the dark let your light glow
Will forever with you always feel like this?
Your sweet smile takes my breath away
My heart ain't at home without your love
Your my sunrise on a brand new day
Pre-Chorus
If heartaches are what it takes to reach up the sky
I'll cry an ocean of tears goodbye
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Gave me a new song for my heart to sing
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
"No One Can Love You Like I Do"
Copyright Darin Martin (ASCAP) 2011
V1
When the tears I cried were my best friends
You caught all of them for me
When I had nothing left to give back
You are my miracle that came to be
I'll carve my blessings on broken stones
And write my hurts in sinking sand
Raindrops are tears when the angels cry
They found a resting place on your hands
Pre-Chorus
If heartaches are what it takes to reach up the sky
I'll cry an ocean of tears goodbye
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Gave me a new song for my heart to sing
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
V2
I never believed in fairy tales
But I caught you and I won't let you go
Your kiss tastes like honey on my lips
Like a candle in the dark let your light glow
Will forever with you always feel like this?
Your sweet smile takes my breath away
My heart ain't at home without your love
Your my sunrise on a brand new day
Pre-Chorus
If heartaches are what it takes to reach up the sky
I'll cry an ocean of tears goodbye
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Gave me a new song for my heart to sing
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
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mikeShort
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Re: "No One Can Love You Like I Do" - Pop Country - Critique
I have some thoughts. See below ...
dtrain1234 wrote:REWRITE 7/10
"No One Can Love You Like I Do"
Copyright Darin Martin (ASCAP) 2011
V1
When the tears I cried were my best friends
You caught all of them for me <=== Nice.
When I had nothing left to give back <=== Better, but how does it connect to the next line?
You are my miracle that came to be
I'll carve my blessings on broken stones
And write my hurts in sinking sand
Raindrops are tears when the angels cry
They found a resting place on your hands
Pre-Chorus
If heartaches are what it takes to reach up the sky
I'll cry an ocean of tears goodbye <=== Goodbye? Aren't you hoping she'll stay?
// and you've already used tears in TWO other metaphors, so ...
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Gave me a new song for my heart to sing <=== I'm not fond of this line, and I'm not sure it's needed.
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
V2
I never believed in fairy tales <=== Much better. Didn't like the fishing; it didn't fit.
But I caught you and I won't let you go
Your kiss tastes like honey on my lips
Like a candle in the dark let your light glow
Will forever with you always feel like this? <=== nice.
Your sweet smile takes my breath away
My heart ain't at home without your love <=== Awkward. The home metaphor seems tacked on.
Your my sunrise on a brand new day <=== Editorial: "You're"
Pre-Chorus
If heartaches are what it takes to reach up the sky
I'll cry an ocean of tears goodbye
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Gave me a new song for my heart to sing
Girl, no one can love you better than I do <=== If you dump "Girl" anyone could sing this, not just a guy.
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dtrain1234
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Re: "No One Can Love You Like I Do" - Pop Country - Critique
REVISED 7/12
"No One Can Love You Like I Do"
Copyright Darin Martin (ASCAP) 2011
V1
When the tears I cried were my best friends
You caught all of them for me
When wishes lost their way in my dreams
You are my miracle that came to be
I'll carve my blessings on broken stones
And write my hurts in sinking sand
Raindrops are tears when the angels cry
They found a resting place on your hands
Pre-Chorus
You are my star that fell from the sky
I'm waiting with my arms open wide
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
I cherish all of the joy that you bring
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
V2
I never believed in fairy tales
But I caught you and I won't let you go
Your kiss tastes like honey on my lips
Like a candle in the dark let your light glow
Will forever with you always feel like this?
Your sweet smile takes my breath away
My heart ain't at home without your love
You're my sunrise on a brand new day
Pre-Chorus
You are my star that fell from the sky
I'm waiting with my arms open wide
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
I cherish all of the joy that you bring
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
"No One Can Love You Like I Do"
Copyright Darin Martin (ASCAP) 2011
V1
When the tears I cried were my best friends
You caught all of them for me
When wishes lost their way in my dreams
You are my miracle that came to be
I'll carve my blessings on broken stones
And write my hurts in sinking sand
Raindrops are tears when the angels cry
They found a resting place on your hands
Pre-Chorus
You are my star that fell from the sky
I'm waiting with my arms open wide
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
I cherish all of the joy that you bring
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
V2
I never believed in fairy tales
But I caught you and I won't let you go
Your kiss tastes like honey on my lips
Like a candle in the dark let your light glow
Will forever with you always feel like this?
Your sweet smile takes my breath away
My heart ain't at home without your love
You're my sunrise on a brand new day
Pre-Chorus
You are my star that fell from the sky
I'm waiting with my arms open wide
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
I cherish all of the joy that you bring
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
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dtrain1234
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Re: No One Can Love You Like I Do - Male Pop Country - Critique
REVISED 7/18
V1
When the tears I cried were my best friends
You caught all of them for me
When wishes lost their way in my dreams
You are my miracle that came to be
I'll carve my blessings on broken stones
And write my hurts in sinking sand
Raindrops are tears when the angels cry
They found a resting place on your hands
Pre-Chorus
You are my star that fell from the sky
I'm waiting for you with my arms open wide
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Let me show you what real love means
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
V2
I never believed in fairy tales
But I caught you and I won't let you go
Your kiss tastes like honey on my lips
Like a candle in the dark let your light glow
Will forever with you always feel like this?
Your sweet smile takes my breath away
My heart ain't at home without your love
You're my sunrise on a brand new day
Pre-Chorus
You are my star that fell from the sky
I'm waiting for you with my arms open wide
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Let me show you what real love means
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
Bridge
When my heart fell straight to the ground
And my spirit sank on the floor
Your precious hands made me whole again
And you made me worth so much more
Pre-Chorus
You are my star that fell from the sky
I'm waiting for you with my arms open wide
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Let me show you what real love means
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
V1
When the tears I cried were my best friends
You caught all of them for me
When wishes lost their way in my dreams
You are my miracle that came to be
I'll carve my blessings on broken stones
And write my hurts in sinking sand
Raindrops are tears when the angels cry
They found a resting place on your hands
Pre-Chorus
You are my star that fell from the sky
I'm waiting for you with my arms open wide
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Let me show you what real love means
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
V2
I never believed in fairy tales
But I caught you and I won't let you go
Your kiss tastes like honey on my lips
Like a candle in the dark let your light glow
Will forever with you always feel like this?
Your sweet smile takes my breath away
My heart ain't at home without your love
You're my sunrise on a brand new day
Pre-Chorus
You are my star that fell from the sky
I'm waiting for you with my arms open wide
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Let me show you what real love means
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
Bridge
When my heart fell straight to the ground
And my spirit sank on the floor
Your precious hands made me whole again
And you made me worth so much more
Pre-Chorus
You are my star that fell from the sky
I'm waiting for you with my arms open wide
Chorus
No one can love you like I do
I love all of the things that you do
I'd have Heaven if I had you
Baby, no one can love you like I do
You are my angel that don't have wings
Let me show you what real love means
Girl, no one can love you better than I do
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