NOVEMBER (review please)

[shutts]

verse1)HEY WHERE YA GOIN WITH THAT PIECE OF ME YOU STOLEI CANT REMEMBER WHAT ITS LIKE TO FEEL WHOLEJUST WATCH ME DECAYING MAGIC DEATH BEFORE YOUR EYES SENT AS THE SOUL BLEEDS SENT HERE TO SAVE MY LIFE(chorus)NOVEMBER HOLDSTHE WEAKEST PART OF MENOVEMBER PLEASEDON’T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME(verse2)HEY WHERE YA GOIN WITH THAT PIECE OF ME SO OLDI CANT REMEMBER WHATS ITS LIKE TO LIVE WITH THAT HOLEFOUND MY REDEMPTION INSIDE THE ANGELS EYESSENT AS PROTECTION SENT HERE TO SAVE MY LIFE(chorus)NOVEMBER HOLDSTHE WEAKEST PART OF MENOVEMBER PLEASEDON’T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME(bridge)THE PAST SURROUNDS MEMEMORIES SO BLACK AND BLUESILENTLY I SCREAMTHE PAST SURROUNDS MEHELP ME RELEASE THROUGH YOUSILENTLY I SCREAMI SWORE FOREVER WITH YOU ID ALWAYS BECONFINED BY NOTHING PERFECTION ALL I SEEYOU GAVE ME SOLACE GAVE ME THE GIFT OF HOPEMY EMPTY SPACES FILL IN WITH TRUST AND LOVE(chorus)NOVEMBER HOLDSEVERY PART OF MENOVEMBER PLEASEDON’T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM MECopyright SOLACE 2006

[edteja]

Some cool stuff here. I think the first verse has a problem with the way you are mixing language, however. The first two linesHEY WHERE YA GOIN WITH THAT PIECE OF ME YOU STOLEI CANT REMEMBER WHAT ITS LIKE TO FEEL WHOLEare great. ThenJUST WATCH ME DECAYING MAGIC DEATH BEFORE YOUR EYESSENT AS THE SOUL BLEEDS SENT HERE TO SAVE MY LIFEalmost sounds like someone else talking--the voice is sooo different.The chorus works well except for the minor point that you refer to "the part of me" (weakest, every) then say "Don't take this away from me." What does "this" refer to? Normally you'd say "that" so this jars a bit (to my ear).But some really nice ideas here.

[matto]

Shutts, you have some good ideas. I agree with Ed's comments.I'd also like to see the "November" idea set up in the verses somehow. As it stands there's a disconnect between the verses and chorusses. They could well belong to different songs.Be careful with convoluted syntax like:HEY WHERE YA GOIN WITH THAT PIECE OF ME SO OLDI SWORE FOREVER WITH YOU ID ALWAYS BEIt sounds awkward and forced, like you just did it for rhyming's sake.BTW...Not using all caps would make it easier to read...matto