On Our Porch Swing

[matthoggard]

Wig,I think this is about a soldier overseas. Thats the way I interpreted it anyway.Matt

[cameron]

Jamie,Wow, your stuff always blows me away, and this is no exception! I hear Bruce Hornsby as well, but it could also work as a country song in the style of songwriter Tom Douglas (he wrote Colin Raye's "Little Rock"). Even though country has maybe gotten away from this style of song a bit lately, with the right treatment it could be a solid country or a/c tune.The lyrics are really excellent, as is the lyrical hook and overall vibe. My only beef was that perhaps the chorus is a little long and meandering and could use a bit bigger melodic payoff... but for a/c I'm not sure that necessarily matters as much as it does in country.What a great voice you have, and I'm really impressed with your writing! Cam

[southpaw]

Thank you all very much. Tremendous feedback as usual! Greatly appreciated! Vince, intro too long? i dunno, 8 bars...? Ill give it a couple days and then do some more critical listening, once i can hear from a fresh perspective again. Noted, thanks. Yea, i dont know if the chorus if all the way there yet in terms of payoff. Id love to hear your personal reccomendations on the chorus payoff, if you have a minute. It got a bit confusing to try to include everything i wanted to say, and still keep a more structured chorus. Also the guitar i added to give the tune a bit more edgy of a vibe, i originally started the arrangement as an all acoustic vibe, (+midi) and after playing the electric guitar part i added i thgouht it really helped elevate the song in emotion and intensity. Thanks for the compliments, and your valuable input.Bill, good point. I hadnt even thought about that. I have a 'groovy' kind of disposition, so my bass parts sound sometimes a bit abstract and more urban. Ive actually been told before, on one of my songs, by someone who's opinion i greatly value: "It sounds like a hip hop/r&b rythym section, under a country song... I cant really seem to reference what might be more appropriate though. Any additional thoughts you might share to help me out? Matt, thanks bro. Quote:Not too much to say for me except you have really put some passion and emotion in this song. Damn if I didnt get a little choked up listening to this. Glad to hear it had an impact for you. It is an emotional song for me, im trying to convey the experience and vibe of the story, but still keep it somewhat 'hopeful in essence' for the listener... Despite what actually happened. Quote:Is this inspired by your time overseas?Yes indeed. It is inspired by the experience of a deployed soldier. It is trying to tell the story of the war on both sides. Both what it is like from the perspective of the soldier, and the family back home. I originally wrote this song, with my buddy and teammate SPC Bradley N. Shilling in mind. (who passed while fighting in baghdad) I plan to send it to the familys of the men we lost, along with a couple other songs i have written when they're done. Shilling always kept a picture of his wife and daughter in our Humvee. (On the faded brown console, under the dashboard) Feaker, Thanks for the listen! Great to have you back, i dont think ive said yet.Yea i think i need to make things a bit more clear so the story is better explained.Any thoughts, given you know what the story is now? Take er easy.Chris, good call. legato Cello. Did you think the EG part was too busy overall, or did you mean the level and tone overlapped a bit too much with the LVox.. Thanks for the kind words. Derek, thanks for taking the time! yea, I think the chorus payoff is a bit lacking still.Lyricboy, thanks. I love to hear peoples lyrical suggestions and comments - because what happens is i rewrite and rewrite and sometimes lose the story from a listeners perspective.Thanks for the analysis of the subtle stuff. I am going to have to wait a couple of days to let me head clear of this project. I will take your notes in with me on the next session and we'll see.Wig, thanks alot for your thoughts and compliments! I was kind of afraid that the story would be confusing or unclear. I see that it needs some more work to get it to the next step. Given the little explanation above does it still remain unclear? Let me know, i can better explain.Thanks for all the valuable comments! Any other ideas to consider are always welcomed, i feel an obligation to really telling this story right and want it to have the intended emotional response. Jamie

[lsp]

Southpaw...wow...this track is the closest thing to art that I have heard in a long time on this forum. It's reminiscent of several artists (Bruce Hornsby, Phil Vassar, Dave Matthews maybe). I agree with Wig that some of the lyric is not necessasrily where it may need to be.You can fix it by just telling the story straight up. Maybe the bass is not what it could be be but you can change that too.....anyway, whatever you do to the track please keep the vibe you have now.very nice vocal, very cool vibe....very good job. I look forward to the finished product.Good Luck!

[ideascapes]

Jamie,Concerning your chorus, I think I'd aim to get the lyric right first. Reading through again, I just don't think the song is about the porch swing. If it were, I'd expect to hear much more about it--how it swings, squeaks, how you feel at home there, how you miss it, what you can see from it, how it feels, who sits on it with you, etc. Right now, the song seems to be more about the family separation and how images keep them in each other's mind. I think you'd get a bigger payoff summarizing that somehow, they re-writing your chorus to lead up to that emotion/idea. If you were to do that, it might lead you to a completely different chorus structure, so I'd hesitate now to recommend any changes melodically/harmonically.You might need to give some attention to the song's perspective. The first verse has an observer describing what "she" is doing. The chorus has "he" directly addressing her. The second verse has the observer talking about "him." To those who listen closely, that could be confusing.The production on this is super and I tend to listen for that stuff first, so I didn't give as much attention to the lyric previously. You have a great start here and the chops to pull it off!Vince

[jwebbinspired]

Jamie, I have told you before how much I love your voice. I mean it's so smooth and real. Big fan. I think whether you're country leaning or not having the hook earlier is a positive thing. I think of your style as adult contemporary/light rock/pop. In the same class as Train or maybe even Maroon 5. Eitherway, getting your hook in there sooner will draw the impatient listener in more quickly. Andy

[wignelson]

Apr 22, 2009, 5:45pm, matthoggard wrote:Wig,I think this is about a soldier overseas. Thats the way I interpreted it anyway.MattThat makes a lot of sense, Matt. I didn't think of that. I think the note is what threw me. (Not a letter, but a note)I keep thinking of the phrase, "he left a note." Usually means he left her.Wig

[wignelson]

Jamie,After reading that it is about a soldier deployed overseas, it makes more sense. Still some holes in the lyrics for my mind. They can be filled and I'm sure you'll get to it. The song is worth it and you have the talent.The song can take on a whole different subject as Vince alluded to, especially in light of the fact that a man lost his life.I think there is the story. It's always about the story, IMO. In this case you present a slice of life about her angst and anger about a situation she can do nothing about, and then the "movement" is her realization that she wasted her emotions being mad after she no longer had him. Make sense? Then the payoff would be that she is glad that her man was spared seeing her kick the table. That kind of thing.PM me with your email if you would like my book. It's free.Wig

[mcanty]

I don't really get into lyrics, I just listen for "the sound"............Your vocals in the verse are just tremendous...............you have a great vocal tone. I wish I had a similar tone..........I can belt stuff out, but your voice is just very comfortable in that mid-volume range.Very nice

[derekmcfarland]

I have to admit that I agree with Wig a little. I was getting "soldier" in first verse, but I wasn't clear that the scene had shifted to the soldier's perspective in the next verse. I thought it was his Dad (or someone) with a picture of him in their car. I think some lyric work could help more people "get" this song and have the appropriate emotional response.Good luck with it.Derek