"OPEN" Does the concept of my hook make sense to you?

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lyricsbykc
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"OPEN" Does the concept of my hook make sense to you?

Post by lyricsbykc » Tue Apr 05, 2016 3:53 pm

Any general comments or constructive criticisms are welcome. This is still in lyric form and I've gotten two reviews, one good and another who just didn't seem to get the idea of being "broken open" ... What do you think? Thank you, KC


OPEN

The picture of the life I had lay shattered on the floor
He packed his stuff, dissed my love and headed out the door
Yeah I cried, went outta my mind and wasted time hoping
But instead of letting it break me down, I'm breaking open

I'm OPEN to what comes my way
Overdue for better days
I'm OPEN to staying strong
Holding steady and moving on
Don't ya dare feel sorry for me
Don't worry 'bout how I'm coping
Nothing's gonna break me down
'Cause this girls breaking OPEN

I picked myself up knowing I could manage on my own
I kissed the past goodbye and learned to love sleeping alone
When things get real tough, I don't sit around moping
Instead of letting it break me down, I'm breaking open

(Repeat Chorus)

I'm grateful for another chance
I trust in the bigger plan
One day I'll thank my lucky stars
For every scar on my open heart

(Repeat Chorus)

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Re: "OPEN" Does the concept of my hook make sense to you?

Post by michellebd » Thu Apr 07, 2016 2:39 pm

I really like this concept - it turns a cliche inside out, but better yet, it's turning a bad situation into a positive, stronger state of mind. Both strong and refreshing. :)
Michelle

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Re: "OPEN" Does the concept of my hook make sense to you?

Post by lyricsbykc » Thu Apr 07, 2016 2:50 pm

Thank you Michelle, that's what I was going for. I'm glad you get it!
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Re: "OPEN" Does the concept of my hook make sense to you?

Post by melodymessiah » Mon May 09, 2016 10:38 am

i agree with michelle, really great concept, and a new twist to an old theme.

however, i think the title should be "breaking open" instead of just "open". this will make the title stand out more. and you know what they say, the title is the first that attracts attention ;)

i also think it should be "you packed your stuff", second person makes it stronger and more personal than third person.

what genre are you going for with this one?

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Re: "OPEN" Does the concept of my hook make sense to you?

Post by Casey H » Mon May 09, 2016 11:48 am

Hey KC
I don't think the "breaking open" thing is working that well. Try to step back and think conversationally-- what might a person say in conversation? "Breaking away?" "Break out of [something]"? etc...

The 2nd line might be stronger as "You" than with "He". (Avoiding the change to 3rd person)

I'd also review the past/present tense usage. I'm seeing it best as what he did and what you're GONNA do. When you say "I'm breaking open" it's present tense as opposed to "I'm gonna break away" (or similar), future. These things aren't hard and fast but consistency in POV is always helpful.

The overall subject matter is one that's been done a lot before (Not that there's really anything new under the sun) so finding a unique way to say it will be a big plus. The "open" thing is unique but I don't think it's working. Also, clichés like "out the door" can be a tough sell.

What's your target for this? Pitch to an artist? Film/TV? What genre/style?

Best
:D Casey

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Re: "OPEN" Does the concept of my hook make sense to you?

Post by hummingbird » Mon May 09, 2016 2:01 pm

I hate to be the grammar queen :roll:

but to me, breaking down and breaking open are almost the same thing
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/breaking+open
someone might break your heart
or break you down
but can I break myself open? Not really. Break free, break out, break away... yes.

you want to be unbroken, I get that but I'm not sure your 'breaking open' really works.
I like the concept of 'open' to the future, to change, to a new life tho.


The picture of my life lies shattered on the floor - this is a great image, I'd like to see more lines like that.

What did he look like, why did you love him, how did you meet him, why did he leave? The story is a bit incomplete. One suggestion I've heard is try to think of your lyric like a video...
scene 1 - he's leaving & why
scene 2 - how you got together
scene 3 - what you'll do now
and the hook ties that all together as a conclusion to each 'chapter' of the story

HTH. As with all feedback, suggestions or comments - feel free to keep or sweep!
"As we are creative beings, our lives become our works of art." (Julia Cameron)

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Re: "OPEN" Does the concept of my hook make sense to you?

Post by Len911 » Mon May 09, 2016 3:00 pm

It's a little awkward.

I think it's because we usually associate up with down and open with closed, in with out, etc.

or maybe it's because cracked open instead of broken open, the same thing, is probably used more in conversation, like "thou shall" vs "you will"?? :?

Yes, it makes sense, only if I pause to think about it. I'm not sure a hook is the place to be slowing down to think about how it makes sense. The hook is probably the thing that should most offer crystal clarity to the possible cryptography of the verses?? and move forward the most.

Breaking away, breaking up

oh heck, I think Hummingbird already said it,lol! I should read posts more thoroughly!

The lyrics are otherwise extremely well written! It's only the "breaking open" that is puzzling.
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Re: "OPEN" Does the concept of my hook make sense to you?

Post by lyricsbykc » Mon May 09, 2016 4:12 pm

Okay, thank you all for the comments.
I appreciate your points of view. The idea of breaking open really came from a book. Oprah had a guest who had written a book about being so broken down by some terrible circumstances ( much more extreme than a breakup) that she was was broken "open" (her description) and had no place to go except to reinvent herself and her entire life. That idea resonated with me and I totally got it, so I started writing and here we are. I do know if you have to explain it, it's not working but that is that basic concept, just a different twist on it.

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Re: "OPEN" Does the concept of my hook make sense to you?

Post by lyricsbykc » Mon May 09, 2016 4:18 pm

Melody, I was going for country, thanks for your opinion. I'll think about the 2nd vs. 3rd person aspect, thank you, KC

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Re: "OPEN" Does the concept of my hook make sense to you?

Post by Len911 » Mon May 09, 2016 9:14 pm

The idea of breaking open really came from a book. Oprah had a guest who had written a book
Ahh, that's probably why when you google the exact term "broken open", all you get is the book by Elizabeth Lesser! ;) :o
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