original lyrics by a thirteen year old

[koolkat017]

i'm 13 and i just want some feedback on some lyrics i wrote and also my singingheres the link to a video of me singing :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dovP-WdPH78and heres the lyrics i wrote :"sanity"i sit and daylight speaks to mei wonder what'll i'll bewen this feeling leaves mei've been sitting in the darkwaiting for the rain to stopwaiting for youto come out of the bluemy sanity is the only thingthats keeping mefrom the edge of uncertaintyi'm fighting the storm into the blueand wen i lose myself i think of youyour the only thing keeping mefrom the edge of losing my sanitysanity is a precious thingsanity is wads keeping mefrom going crazydats wad insanity meansto lose your mindand never get it backits a diseaseu only catch onceonce u catch itits the point of no returnat nite wen i sleepi dream of sunny dayslooking out at the ocean deepi just sit there in a dazesitting by the oceantrying to understandif you love mefor who i ami'm losing my sanityover someone that doesn't even care for methat's so sadso i'll move onto someone elseafter i sing this songif theres anything that you think i have to change about the lyrics pleaz tell me so i can make it better. ^__^

[mojobone]

Hard to tell without hearing the melody, but it's certainly not awful and, I think, darn good for thirteen. Maybe post this in Lyric Lovers where it'll be more likely to get the attention it deserves.

[nomiyah]

Koolkat,You have some great ideas in this song. To make the lyrics stronger, make it clear what part is a verse and what part is a chorus. You have a nice voice and I'll use the song you sing as an example, since Avril has some great songwriters to work with.In Skater Boy, the verses all have the same melody and the same number of lines (except the last verse which is half as long).The choruses all have the same words and melody.The bridge takes off in it's own direction.The other thing to notice is how the song develops. The verses tell a story that start at the beginning and move on to the end.For your song, decide which part is the chorus and make that the same words and melody each time. Decide which parts are the verses and make them the same melody and length. Doing these things will make your songs much stronger.You do have some great ideas so please keep writing. I got my first song deal on something I wrote when I was thirteen and still get paid royalties for it. Thanks for posting.NomiSkater Boy(By Lauren Christy, Scott Spock, Graham Edwards, Avril Lavigne)(Verse 1)He was a boy she was a girlCan I make it any more obvious?He was a punk, she did ballet What more can I say?He wanted her,she'd never tellSecretly she wanted him as wellBut all of her friends, stuck up their noseThey had a problem with his baggy clothes.(Chorus 1)He was a skater boy,She said see you later boy He wasn't good enough for herShe had an pretty faceBut her head was up in a spaceShe needed to come back down to earth(Verse 2)Five years from now, she sits at homeFeeding the baby she's all alone She turns on T.V., guess who she seesSkater boy rocking up MTVShe calls up her friends, they already knowAnd they all got tickets to see his showShe tags along, and stands in the crowdLooks up at the man that she turned down(Chorus 2)He was a skater boyShe said see ya later boyHe wasn't good enough for herNow he's a superstarSlammin on his guitarTo show your pretty face see what he's worth?(Bridge)Sorry girl, but you missed outWell tough luck that boy's mine nowWe are more than just good friendsThis is how the story endsToo bad that you couldn't seeSee the man that boy could beThere is more than meets the eyeI see the soul that is inside(Verse 3)He's just a boy and I'm just a girlHow can I make it any more obvious?We are in love, haven`t you heardHow we rock each others world!(Chorus 3)I'm with a skaterboyI said see ya later boyI'll be backstage after the showI'll be at the studioSinging the song we wroteAbout a girl you used to know.