Pink Tears

[LooknGlass]

As I work on the re-write for "No Mans Land" I thought I would post this lyric that also deals with the subject of abuse. Comments and suggestions are appreciated as always.


Black eyes purple on the kitchen floor
She pleads with him not to do it anymore
She's bleeding...
and crying pink tears

She's holding a surprise behind her back
Enough of this, it's time to act
He's smiling...
she's crying pink tears

Life as she knows it is about to change
but it can only be for the better.
She strikes out thinking...

This is for the blackened eyes
This is for the broken ribs
This is for the broken noses
This is for our broken kids

Bewildered eyes look up at her
He sees her standing there but she's just a blur
He's dying...
she's crying pink tears

Used his very last words to curse and swear
Took his last liquored breath and he died right there
It's over...
no more crying pink tears

She doesn't care what happens to her
as long as her kids are safe
Remembers thinking...

This is for the blackened eyes
This is for the broken ribs
This is for the broken noses
This is for our broken kids

She drops the knife

Her red blue eyes are done crying now
The kids and her will make it through this somehow
The fears gone...
with pink tears



©L. James Tanner

[inga]

The color pink.
Where does the idea for pink tears come from? Because tears are not pink in color. Or is that poetic license. Pink to reflect the feminine.

[LooknGlass]

The color pink.
Where does the idea for pink tears come from? Because tears are not pink in color. Or is that poetic license. Pink to reflect the feminine.

Hi inga,
Her tears turn pink as they mix with her blood.

[songmaster]

Hi Just me again. I get the pink tears, it is a catchy title. The first verse confused me a little..." Black eyes purple on the kitchen floor " I pictured her two eyes lying on the kitchen floor. I think a stronger line to start this song would be more like " He struck her to the kitchen floor " right away you can picture that she probably was injured and crying and it spells out immediately what kind of man she is dealing with.

Once again take it or leave it..it looks like you are on a roll.

All the best

Tom

[LooknGlass]

Hi Just me again. I get the pink tears, it is a catchy title. The first verse confused me a little..." Black eyes purple on the kitchen floor " I pictured her two eyes lying on the kitchen floor. I think a stronger line to start this song would be more like " He struck her to the kitchen floor " right away you can picture that she probably was injured and crying and it spells out immediately what kind of man she is dealing with.

Once again take it or leave it..it looks like you are on a roll.

All the best

Tom

Hi Tom, I always appreciate any feedback and suggestions.... I wanted the opening line to make people think what was going on and then in the second line see who possessed these black and purple eyes and why. I think (or thought) the verse as a whole explained it. I think if you heard the way it was sang, it would flow together much better. I also ended the song with colors as I started with colors to have a corresponding finish.

[simonsays]

Hi LooknGlass,
IMO, you have a very strong song here!
I have only a handful of suggestions to make.(And for me that's pretty few. )
Steve (aka, SimonSays)

As I work on the re-write for "No Mans Land" I thought I would post this lyric that also deals with the subject of abuse. Comments and suggestions are appreciated as always.


Her Black eyes purple on the kitchen floor [I like this first line. I assumed 'black' referred to her dark/sad eyes. Was I correct? As a plus, (Her) adds assonance to the pur in purple. It also makes it sound a little less literally like her eyes are on the floor. (Which is the first interpretation,I believe, Songmaster had)
She pleads with him (not to don't) do it anymore [To me, (not to) is too distant ... with (don't) I can hear her saying it now. Plus (don't) adds alliteration to (do)]
She's bleeding...
and crying pink tears

She's holding a surprise behind her back
Enough of this, it's time to act
He's smiling...
she's crying pink tears

Life as she knows it is about to change
but it can only be for the better.
She strikes out thinking...

This is for the blackened eyes
This is for the broken ribs
This is for the broken noses
This is for our broken kids

Bewildered eyes look up at her
He sees her standing there but she's just a blur
He's dying...
she's crying pink tears

He Used his very last words to curse and swear
Took (his last one last? one more?) liquored breath (and he then) died right there [You used (his ... last) in the previous line. You might want to change that up. (then) adds alliteration to (there)]
It's over...
no more crying pink tears

She doesn't care what happens to her
as long as her kids are safe
Remembers thinking...

This is for the blackened eyes
This is for the broken ribs
This is for the broken noses
This is for our broken kids

She drops the knife

Her red blue eyes are done crying now
The kids and her will make it through this somehow
The fears gone...
with pink tears



©L. James Tanner

[LooknGlass]

Hi LooknGlass,
IMO, you have a very strong song here!
I have only a handful of suggestions to make.(And for me that's pretty few. )
Steve (aka, SimonSays)

As I work on the re-write for "No Mans Land" I thought I would post this lyric that also deals with the subject of abuse. Comments and suggestions are appreciated as always.


Her Black eyes purple on the kitchen floor [I like this first line. I assumed 'black' referred to her dark/sad eyes. Was I correct? As a plus, (Her) adds assonance to the pur in purple. It also makes it sound a little less literally like her eyes are on the floor. (Which is the first interpretation,I believe, Songmaster had)
She pleads with him (not to don't) do it anymore [To me, (not to) is too distant ... with (don't) I can hear her saying it now. Plus (don't) adds alliteration to (do)]
She's bleeding...
and crying pink tears

She's holding a surprise behind her back
Enough of this, it's time to act
He's smiling...
she's crying pink tears

Life as she knows it is about to change
but it can only be for the better.
She strikes out thinking...

This is for the blackened eyes
This is for the broken ribs
This is for the broken noses
This is for our broken kids

Bewildered eyes look up at her
He sees her standing there but she's just a blur
He's dying...
she's crying pink tears

He Used his very last words to curse and swear
Took (his last one last? one more?) liquored breath (and he then) died right there [You used (his ... last) in the previous line. You might want to change that up. (then) adds alliteration to (there)]
It's over...
no more crying pink tears

She doesn't care what happens to her
as long as her kids are safe
Remembers thinking...

This is for the blackened eyes
This is for the broken ribs
This is for the broken noses
This is for our broken kids

She drops the knife

Her red blue eyes are done crying now
The kids and her will make it through this somehow
The fears gone...
with pink tears



©L. James Tanner

Steve, thanks a million for your input. I will post a revision soon for your and Tom's consideration. I think you are correct in adding "Her" in the 1st line. As I saw that Tom had reservations about the 1st line also. I was surprised I didn't see that, that simple word could be added and keep the force I wanted and not change the line, which I was hoping I wouldn't have to do. As for the line with "liquored breath" I might try another wording that keeps the flow I had in mind with the melody. Thanks again for your help.