Please critique my progress

[dada]

I put together a more cohesive composition than usual for myself and would welcome any comments you may have on the style and general song structure... (maybe except for the voice, ahem)..The track is called "Control" and is the top tune on my Soundclick site..http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemus ... DaveEdited to add the lyricsVERSEI must be dreamingbut by now it's usually overto try to pick a point of referenceto anyonewould send me away againso many days of my lifeI striveto breathe it all inshow what a good frienddoes for someoneand now I'm listeningCHORUSall of my lifeI just wanted to bein controlNow in my lifeI find there so much moreworth living forINTERLUDEVERSEthose old life clichesI heard in my younger daysare beginning to take controlabout the time you figure it outyou don't really need it anymoreCHORUSEND

[hummingbird]

Quote:I put together a more cohesive composition than usual for myself and would welcome any comments you may have on the style and general song structure... (maybe except for the voice, ahem)..The track is called "Control" and is the top tune on my Soundclick site..http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemus ... nks,DaveHi Dave - it would help us to give feedback if you could post the lyrics here. I found it hard to make out the words. I don't think the vocals are as bad as you seem to think they are, but they do need to be forward in the mix as they are the lead instrument.I like the vibe of the piece, and there's some great guitar going on. It's atmospheric & I think it could make a good instrumental as well as a song. There's some great textures in the music, I think you could bring those out more - play with bringing out different elements in different places to keep pulling us along (ear candy).just my two cents Hummin'bird

[dada]

H-Bird,Thanks for your comments.. the drifting mood was something that became inherent when putting this together... I agree some of the open sections could use a bit more interest or at least a change up the transitions a little.. definitely room for production touches all over..Also, thanks for the kind words on the vocal melody (if can be called that).. I'm not totally sold on it everywhere, especially the second verse section... I added the lyrics to the original post so you can decipher my mush-mouth..Thanks again,Dave