Building a studio computer

with industry Pro, Nick Batzdorf

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nomiyah
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Re: Building a studio computer

Post by nomiyah » Fri Aug 10, 2007 11:11 am

Casey,Thanks for listening. I write the lyrics and music at the same time and this subject makes me very emotional. But you are right that the singing falls short of carrying off the emotion. Sometimes I sing something just right and other times not, it's frustrating. Eventually I'll probably do a country demo then maybe I'll do another version of She Hugged Me. Nomi

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Re: Building a studio computer

Post by nomiyah » Fri Aug 10, 2007 11:12 am

Quote:Nomi,I'm not ignoring you-- just slammed. I'll get you some feedback as soon as I see some light at the end of the tunnel that is not a train!AubI understand. You're advice will be appreciated whenever you have time!!!

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Re: Building a studio computer

Post by nomiyah » Fri Aug 10, 2007 11:34 am

Quote:Quote:Hi Nomi, The drum patterns/sounds don't feel right to me. Most of the vocal rhythms and keyboards seem to point towards a half time feel, rather than what you've chosen. I find the drums to get in the way of the tenderness of the song concept. It also sounds like the same exact drum fill was used too many times. I could be wrong.happened of what you've presented. The drums also seem very panned to the left side, I checked out my system to be sure. The drum tempo is around 138. The song could easily be sped up as Casey pointed out. But this song really does sound like a ballad, or singer/songwriter stuff. That kind of treatment suits the content of the rhythms in your melody, IMHO. So I would suggest speeding up the song to 144(but make the drums play @ 72bpm.)The vocal sound - strange ambience/phasing on it. The 2nd time you sing "hugged him," is really pretty. More flowery stuff like that in a few more places please! There are times when you hold notes that I think would be more dramatic if you cut them off, ie: house, doubts, vs1, letter vs3. (or chose licks, like hugged) And sometime it sounds like some pitch correction has grabbed a note and is making it mechanical. I could be wrong. It definitely sounds like you're trying to be too careful, trying to hit the notes you want. So the singing ends up sounding a little forced, not relaxed enough, in places. You might wanna smooth out that last sustained chord at the end of the track. The extra string note doesn't need to be there, just add some sustain to the previous chord.I love the lyrics, they're aren't yet enough songs about wars and the futility of them. I often don't understand people's posts, let alone their lyrics, so I have to ask one question. In the 3rd verse, what was in the letter that made the soldier go back home?If you get around to re-doing anything, I'll be happy to listen again. As long as I'm with Taxi (which could be a long time, at this rate), I will owe you a debt of gratitude for starting that wonderful thread, which deserves another bump!Nomi don't take No!Steve,Thanks so much for listening and commenting!!!! Drums: Actually I used many many variations of fills, I thought it might seem overdone to add more but I'll think about it.Tempo: Now it's 137, that is fast enough. It just seems slow because of the phrasing, coming in on the third beat, etc.Verse 3: You asked "In the 3rd verse, what was in the letter that made the soldier go back home?" Originally the line was "Dear John was like a bomb" but that just seemed less conversational. Instead I foreshadowed by saying "stop-lossed soldier" and "it's hard on a marriage not to be together". Is it too obscure? I played it at Steve Seskin's songwriting class a couple days ago and he mentioned how he liked the way it "showed, not told" instead of spelling out that his wife got tired of waiting and decided to leave him.Sustained chord: that's gone. I'll post the update later. It was a remnant of a full verse that was later cut to be a half verse. Good call.BEST ADVICE: "There are times when you hold notes that I think would be more dramatic if you cut them off, ie: house, doubts" As soon as I read that, I knew you were right. So I'm rerecording the vocals. Thank you for that!!!!!!!!! I'll post the update later.Vocals: My disclaimer, like I said to Casey, is the frustrating fact that my vocals hit and miss, especially when it comes to conveying the emotion of the song. I'm a songwriter, not a vocalist. But I'll just keep trying and I appreciate the encouragement.Thanks so much for your time.Nomi

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Re: Building a studio computer

Post by nomiyah » Fri Aug 10, 2007 11:35 am

BTWI'm shooting for 1000 posts. I'm at 992 as I post this!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Re: Building a studio computer

Post by andreh » Fri Aug 10, 2007 12:14 pm

Quote:BTWI'm shooting for 1000 posts. I'm at 992 as I post this!!!!!!!!!!!! ...and 637 of them are FROM this post! André
The greatest risk in life is risking nothing.

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Re: Building a studio computer

Post by nomiyah » Sun Aug 12, 2007 9:16 am

Quote:This is my latest song. What do you think?I'd appreciate comments on any of it... lyrics, melody, production, mix. Thanks for your ears.NomiNomi,I like this song but I'm going to be honest here... rewrite that bridge!!! "Stop-loss soldier" is one too many military references and it's a term lots of listeners won't understand. Keep working on it.Your best friend and harshest critic,Nomi

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Re: Building a studio computer

Post by nomiyah » Sun Aug 12, 2007 9:19 am

Quote:Quote:This is my latest song. What do you think?I'd appreciate comments on any of it... lyrics, melody, production, mix. Thanks for your ears.NomiNomi,I like this song but I'm going to be honest here... rewrite that bridge!!! "Stop-loss soldier" is one too many military references and it's a term lots of listeners won't understand. Keep working on it.Your best friend and harshest critic,NomiOuch!!!! But when you're right, you're right. Here's the new version with the rewritten bridge. I also took all the other advice and reworked some vocals and drums. Think it sounds any better?http://www.nomiyah.com/dashboard/avgall ... Him.mp3SHE HUGGED HIM(Words & music by Nomi Yah)Verse 1Christopher enlistedTo get out of the housePaychecks and tuitionOvercame the doubtsHis father was proudBut Mother broke downChorus 1She hugged him a long timeShe hugged him and didn’t let goSun through the open doorGolden on the wooden floorMemory took a photoVerse 2Christopher got ordersWhen he was newlywedHe had to leave earlyHis wife got out of bedShe was unclothedUnder a yellow silk robeChorus 2She hugged him a long timeShe hugged him and didn’t let goSun through the open doorGolden on wooden floorMemory took a photoBridgeAll the picturesIn his mindGot him through all the yearsOf extended timeVerse 3It’s hard on a marriageNot to be togetherHe was unpreparedWhen opening that letterThose words were bad as bombsHe went back to Dad and Mom’sChorus 3She hugged him a long timeShe hugged him and didn’t let go

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Re: Building a studio computer

Post by aubreyz » Tue Aug 14, 2007 6:19 pm

Nomi,First of all, I like song ideas like this. It's so out of the box from what I write---I won't repeat what's been posted, but I think both Steve and Casey were dead on - most specifically on the drum parts-- it's just not working, the accents are wrong for the feel of the song and, even though it may be the right tempo, it sounds off because the crashes and dynamics aren't in the right place for this. I think your idea of having some intensity in those sections may work, but trust me, you've gotta fix the drums or everything else is a mute point.Casey mentioned trying country because of the storyline... not saying this couldn't be pulled off in a pop genre, but it's going to be very tough.Now to the song...Love the beginning verse melody. It got my attention and made me want to hear more, but though I enjoyed the story, the rest of the melodic structure did not really "grab me" like the first two lines.I'll mention some specifics later, but here's an overall commentary. The lyrics in general are too literal and not unique. It's a good story, but instead of capitalizing on the potential emotion and human interaction, it's more like they are just telling the details rather than drawing pictures that make me live it. Not saying there's not some good imagery here, there is, but it's kind of like the imagery is more about inanimate things that aren't the heart of the story, and the heart of the story is told more matter of fact. Christopher enlistedTo get out of the housePaychecks and tuitionOvercame the doubtsThis is a very good beginning. I can almost see this guy, though it's not real clear what doubts were overcome? Doubts about leaving? About the military. I know why he enlisted, and that he wanted to leave but evidently had no other way.... just that he doubted doesn't tell me anything really. What I'd like to see is that paychecks and tuition decided his fate, chose the road for him... what if paychecks and tuition sold his dreams out? That may not be the story you are telling, but that's the feel I get about him.His father was proudBut Mother broke downSo all the detail we get here is that his father was proud, and his mom broke down. That's every family usa, but what is unique about this story. Could you say that "finally, his father was proud" I mean, if his dad hadn't been proud before, no wonder he would want to get out. And why did his mom break down? You have such a few words to paint this picture. I think it's a compelling story--- just make me LIVE it. Get in her head, show me what's really going on.Chorus 1She hugged him a long timeShe hugged him and didn’t let goSun through the open doorGolden on the wooden floorMemory took a photoShe hugged him a long time... This is a powerful moment, but is that the most powerful way you can describe it? Surely there's a better metaphor. Nice picture, but this story is too good to settle for nice.Now the sun and floor line are good imagery, but have nothing really to do with the story. I want to feel something more than this is just a moment to remember, but that this is something precious that she never wants to end....His wife got out of bedShe was unclothedUnder a yellow silk robeSo he's being shipped off, and you've got three lines to tell me how she feels, but all I know is that she's out of bed and I'm not sure if she was sleeping in the robe--- but nothing that makes me feel what she must feel and why she is going to hug him so long.He was unpreparedWhen opening that letterThose words were bad as bombsHe went back to Dad and Mom’sOkay, who says Dad and Mom's--- those who are trying to rhyme with bombs? Be careful about forcing rhyme. Bomb has interesting potential, but "bad" is kind of weak in this context. Did those words fall like bombs.. Bad could work...I know he has to get back to Mom&Dad's for the story end (which is great btw---), but it seems there's a gap here--- he gets a letter from his wife, and just goes back home?I'm not trying to suggest these as final or anything -- just top of my head ideas, but consider this:It’s hard on a marriageNot to be togetherBut he deserved moreThan goodbye in a Dear John letterThose words hurt as much as the bombThat gave him a hero ride home to MomI know that won't fit... just throwing ideas at you. Didn't mean to write a book here, but you've always offered input and I'm due some return of favor.Aub

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Re: Building a studio computer

Post by nomiyah » Wed Aug 15, 2007 6:40 pm

Aub,Thanks so much for your detailed response, I appreciate your time!!!Quote:First of all, I like song ideas like this. It's so out of the box from what I write--- I have never tried to write a story song with this many characters and events. I wanted a challenge and I got it, it ain't easy to do!!!Quote:It's a good story, but instead of capitalizing on the potential emotion and human interaction, it's more like they are just telling the details rather than drawing pictures that make me live it. Not saying there's not some good imagery here, there is, but it's kind of like the imagery is more about inanimate things that aren't the heart of the story, and the heart of the story is told more matter of fact. I did that intentionally to "show not tell" but maybe took it too far?Quote:This is a very good beginning. I can almost see this guy, though it's not real clear what doubts were overcome? Doubts about leaving? About the military. Joining the military is not an easy decision for most people because it's a life-risking choice. I thought this would be obvious but maybe need to spell it out more.Quote:Could you say that "finally, his father was proud" I mean, if his dad hadn't been proud before, no wonder he would want to get out. And why did his mom break down?I like your idea to add finally, adds more depth to the situation. His mother broke down because his life was now at risk, which I again thought was obvious but maybe not.Quote:She hugged him a long time... This is a powerful moment, but is that the most powerful way you can describe it? Surely there's a better metaphor. Nice picture, but this story is too good to settle for nice.I don't know... I like the hook some people have agreed with you.Quote:Now the sun and floor line are good imagery, but have nothing really to do with the story.The moment stood still and he took time to notice insignificant details that became part of his memory.Quote:So he's being shipped off, and you've got three lines to tell me how she feels, but all I know is that she's out of bed and I'm not sure if she was sleeping in the robe--- but nothing that makes me feel what she must feel and why she is going to hug him so long.You know, this goes back to me trying a style of telling the story with physical details instead of describing emotions. Again... maybe I went too far?Quote:Okay, who says Dad and Mom's--- those who are trying to rhyme with bombs? Be careful about forcing rhyme.Actually I needed something to rhyme with Mom so I could get back to the chorus. I think it's conversational, I'd say it (if my mom and dad were together).Quote:there's a gap here--- he gets a letter from his wife, and just goes back home? I'm not trying to suggest these as final or anything -- just top of my head ideas, but consider this:It’s hard on a marriageNot to be togetherBut he deserved moreThan goodbye in a Dear John letterThose words hurt as much as the bombThat gave him a hero ride home to MomGreat idea. I know there is a gap there and I like your idea for giving him the reason to go home. My original rhyme with Mom was Dear John but I rejected it as too cliche and too many military references.Don't you love when someone critiques your critiques? Sorry, just can't help responding. Thanks again.Nomi

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Re: Building a studio computer

Post by aubreyz » Wed Aug 15, 2007 8:03 pm

Quote:Aub,Thanks so much for your detailed response, I appreciate your time!!!.....Don't you love when someone critiques your critiques? Sorry, just can't help responding. Thanks again.NomiNP. That's one reason I don't critique that much. It's hard for me not to spend a lot of time Good luck with the song. Aub

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