In America-2

[walter327]

Not sure just how much weight this carries. But, "In America" is #18 on Soundclick's Acoustic-Folk Chart. Puts a smile on my face, anyway.

[squidlips]

Walt, I'm very happy In America is getting the attention it deserves, with much more to come. I'm definitely not a broadjam fan but it's a good start and it couldn't happen to a nicer guy. I'd be grinnin' from ear to ear if I were you, too. See? ----} In regard to the breathing and heart problems-- brother, I know your pain. Felt the same way on adriamycin/cytoxin when I was on it. Totally bit it. I agree with you about the lawyer. I've helped counsel many hospice and cancer patients and it's just a shorter route, to go through an attorney. They routinely refuse your first application, however. I should warn you about that. I had one patient who was on hospice and they held up her disability until she was almost gone. Amazing. I mean, they've got her paperwork from her onc telling them the woman's dying and they still hold it up. Plus there's a mandatory wait (six months or six weeks? I forget now) that you have to get through after you are accepted BEFORE you begin to receive payments. So yep, you wanna get on that, swee'pea. I know it's hard and I'm beyond impressed that you have the energy and creativity to produce such a sweet piece of music while you're going through this.Thinking of you (with big hugs!)Nita

[blujonny]

Song doesn't capture my attention in the first 15 seconds. There's no definition. Your song has to be defined in the first few seconds, just like a good movie. It needs to tell me the jist of what the song is going to be about and get the blood rushing a little bit. All I hear is a blatant 1-5-4 guitar strumming. Also, the vocals come in on the 6th measure which is odd. A traditional pop song comes in on the 4th or 8th measure depending which sounds more natural. Some songs get away with the 1-5-4 progression. This song doesn't because there is no disguise to it and it's not subtle, at least in the first minute of the song. And it's far too repetitive. The verses in the first minute sound like a scratched disc that keeps playing the same 10 second section over and over again. You need to mix up the musicality and singing style of each and don't milk the verse aspect too much. You also throw somewhat of a bridge in there just after the one minute point. But it seems too soon as you haven't produced an effective chorus yet. After the first minute though the song definitely livens up. Be careful not to change your pitch too much vocally in sync with the guitar chord changes. It sounds too contrasting. I am noticing that you're writing your choruses in a bridge style. Be careful not to make too much of a dynamic shift otherwise your choruses will sound like bridges as they do in this song. Good Luck.

[walter327]

Ya know, it's wierd. No offense. But, I keep hearing different stuff even from the screeners. One says repeat lines so they get stuck in a person's head. the next says,"Oh, you shouldn't repeat lines". It gets very confusing. Too bad there's not just one hard fast rule so everybody's clear.By the way, this ain't me, vocally or on guitar. I wrote the song. I can't come close to singing as well as this guy or playing guitar this well.Thank you, though, for the pointers. I appreciate constructive criticism as well as compliments.

[blujonny]

It's okay to repeat lines, the problem here is that each verse sounds like the first line of the same story if you will, that's the best example I can use. Each verse sounds like the melodic equivalent of saying "Once upon a time..." over and over again. I would recommend going up notation wise on the last note of each verse (as opposed to going down) and possibly even the beginnings of the verses. This will give the listening sensation that you're building up to something rather than starting over at the beginning after each verse. When you add emotion by ascending notation wise the wheels of the song start to move, otherwise the song never gets off the ground. You could also benefit by trying to rework the song without the large gaps between verse lines because right now I feel the air gets let out of the balloon each time you break after each verse.

[sgs4u]

Quote:It's okay to repeat lines, the problem here is that each verse sounds like the first line of the same story if you will, that's the best example I can use. Each verse sounds like the melodic equivalent of saying "Once upon a time..." over and over again. I would recommend going up notation wise on the last note of each verse (as opposed to going down) and possibly even the beginnings of the verses. This will give the listening sensation that you're building up to something rather than starting over at the beginning after each verse. When you add emotion by ascending notation wise the wheels of the song start to move, otherwise the song never gets off the ground.blujonny, everything you've posted is very clear and helpful, but could you just slow down a bit... relax into things, you're welcome to stick around

[blujonny]

Sure Steve. I've just been let out of the cage after all these years so to speak...haha.

[Casey H]

Quote:Sure Steve. I've just been let out of the cage after all these years so to speak...haha. You're not really Johnny Dean under another name, are you? (Joke)

[geo]

Dude awesome...geo

[walter327]

I switched "In America" over to Folk at Soundclick. She debuted at #2 out of about 7,100 songs. Be better if it was out of 7,100,000 songs, but I'll take it.