Would love some (song) feedback

[asiabackpacker]

Hey guys,I put up a post a little while ago, that I am considering joining TAXI pretty soon (will definitely join in time to attend the Road Rally).I haven't rushed into joining yet, because I've felt like my main path for a while now has just been learning and growing as a songwriter...I've written for most of my life, but never really understood that I could actually work to become a better songwriter until relatively recently. I've since attended a couple workshops, and have stumbled upon a couple of musical mentors that have been a tremendous help to my growth.I also haven't joined yet because I know that most of my material is just not up to scratch. But I am going to join soon anyway, and plan to use the TAXI critiques and the experience as part of the learning process. Anyway, I have one song that I recorded (about a year ago), that I feel is maybe the one thing I have ever produced with commercial potential.I would love some honest feedback on the song....in your guys's opinions, is this on caliber with something that might actually be used on TV or in Film? (I am planning on watching the Matt Hirt videos this weekend, btw) Is this a song with any potential beyond just my friends and family listening to, and saying "good song!"?At the time, it was the song that I used as kind of a specimen to apply all my skills, when I first started learning about re-writing, and song structure-I rewrote it several times with great difficulty to make it a stronger song. And it also came out of a really profound moment in my life, so it's a very personal song....but I would love it to be able to reach other people going through something difficult.....Anyway, I'll stop rambling.Any advice greatly appreciated.Song is "Being Human." First song on:http://www.myspace.com/asiabackpackerThanks, songwriters!Elliott

[kg]

Nice relaxing voice & sound. As far as your asking whether bits of this song could be used in TV or films, I think yeah, definitely. I think it's a good song. More than you asked for here... If you were going for a more commercial listing, I'd say no, just because I don't feel there's enough that's dynamic in the melody, but that being said a few minor changes to melody and delivery would really give it a bit of kick even though it's a mellow track -- especially on the pre-chorus. The line "..is not the path to healing pain" could really lift before heading into the chorus. From what I can tell, it's not your style to really belt out the song, which is fine...but imagine how differently the emotion of this song might be expressed with a different delivery. Ok, now I'm rambling, but what I'm saying is there's potential in the laid back feel for what you're looking for and also potential to have it feel like an entirely different song with a more aggressive delivery.BTW - has anyone ever told you your voice reminds them of Tom Petty? Nice

[jewelwing]

You've got some great stuff going here. I really liked the instrumentation - very enjoyable and engaging, from the first second. It set a high bar for expectations on the vocal element. So I guess I was maybe more disappointed than I should have been when the vocal didn't grab me in the same way the instrumental parts did. I felt like something was lost in the mix of the vocal line melody, the lyrics, and the challenges of a soft delivery, something I didn't want to be lost. So I guess what I'm saying is that what I heard made me care whether or not I got it; and isn't that one of the things songwriters want to do with their music - make people care? (Especially a personal song, as you've described.)If I was running a diagnostic on this, I would maybe focus on each one of these three separately, to make them as strong as possible. Like play the melody with an instrument (actually, this might make a nice instrumental, too) to see if it's a strong melody. Review the lyrics to make sure the main point is very clear, and perhaps that the title matches that main point. And revisit the vocal delivery, to create a singer style that matches the melody and words. (One quick thought on this - it might sound better to not hold the notes in the verses so long.) These ideas are mostly on the core song itself. There are lots of people on this forum who can add comments on production elements. Keep up the good work. Look forward to hearing more of your music!

[miscue]

Hi Elliott:After listening to your song, I would say there is definite potential there! I'm not a music critic, but I know a good song when I hear it. I understood your message about "Being Human", but I would not have made that the title. I think "Inside Yourself" would fit better for a title, but like I said...I'm not a music critic. I think you should definitely sign up with TAXI and go for the Custom Critique before trying to send your music to one of the listings. You'll be dealing with professional critics who really know the business and what is wanted out there in the music world. I just got back my custom critiques and was very impressed with their suggestions. They all made sense to me, and now I'm excited about making the changes necessary to further enhance my chances of one day getting forwarded to a listing.Keep writing, Elliott...I like your style!Miscue

[asiabackpacker]

Thanks for all the encouraging feedback and great suggestions, guys! And KG, my first girlfriend back in like 6th grade always told me I sang like Tom Petty..haha...but I think that's the only other person I've ever heard it from. Thanks for taking me back! And I definitely take that as a compliment, so thank you!

[kg]

Quote:Thanks for taking me back! And I definitely take that as a compliment, so thank you!You're welcome. It was definitely meant to be one

[blujonny]

When you introduce the melody the second part of it has too much of a descending feel, where you start to move down the octave notation wise which sort of deflates the introduction rather than keeps the listener's anticipation of the song on a keen level. The first lyric line sounds like it is stretched too much for the introductory line. "Human Being" sounds like the syllabic aspect if it stretches it too much. If it's possible it's best not to drag out a word in the lyrics unless it goes mostly unnoticed. It can work sometimes but here it doesn't. The intro also sounds too formulaic especially the way the intro ends. I would make it more interesting. The second part of the first verse climbs too much notation wise too soon making it sound almost bridge like. The end of the first verse musically sounds like more like the end of a song. Listening to the entire song I feel like like there are too many emotional changes musically and make it a bit saccharin. It becomes more of a showcase for melodic changes and it makes it hard to allow the lyrics to sink in because all of a sudden we're thrown into a different music passage. Too much emotion in this song I would have to say. And I think it's too long. Towards the ending where the drums and secondary vocals come in it seems out of place and doesn't feel style wise like a coda. It seems more like the type of accompaniment that would have been there from the beginning. It also doesn't work too well in such a mellow song, especially with the laid back voice that you have. Also when you bring in a sort of a final crescendo part with drums and such at the end your voice needs to reach more of an emotional climax which it doesn't.