Re: The Stars in Texas, Ready for Submission ?

perrysmith · Post by **perrysmith** » Mon May 11, 2009 11:37 am

THIS WAS WRITTEN BEFORE THE GUY'S ORIGINAL POST DISAPPEARED. Hey, man. Some positive things in the song, but you want some suggestions, so I will focus on the negative BTW, I did not have a country forward while a taxi member and did not re-sign with TAXI after the first year. My stuff can be heard at www.perrysmith.com . So take what follows for what it's worth (or not worth, as the case may be.Title needs to be "so alive" or "I'm comin home"I would speed things up a bit--cut down on the intro and cut the second half of the second verse completely. But I do like the imagery in that part, so maybe you find a way to work it in, but your song is too long (I like that "scarecrow" part a lot better than the elvis part, so maybe you can switch them up or something???). You need to cut a decent chunk of time off the song--I have been told 4 minutes max and better if it is 3:40. It could be sung a lot more "country". I have not heard any of your other stuff, but you sound like a rock guy trying to do a country song (I have a feeling you can do some kick butt rock stuff, no?).Overall, you will probably hear that you have painted a really nice and detailed scene, but it lacks a story or that "moving emotional moment," etc. I have been busy at the dayjob and not writing much, or learning much about writing, so I will leave it to the other folks here to correct me and fill in what I have left out Nice work. Guitar is lovely, but I really think it all moves too slowly. Best,PerryBTW, hi all--it's been a while. Hope all are well.

heinsite · Post by **heinsite** » Mon May 11, 2009 12:16 pm

hey 381, nice to meet you, damn good song!(and perry--how the hell are you?)my 2 cents from a nobody, but damn do i like this vibe and song as a whole.just a few comments----intro too long, i'd cut about 7 seconds off it--at 1:35, REPEAT "i feel so alive", because perry's right, to me THAT'S your hook, and again as often as you can, and not too much "space" between the lines, as in "i feel so alive, i feel so alive..."--i'd leave the "i'm comin' home" the first time, and ditch it the last time so we hear the "alive" hook.--i'd also cut some of the instrumental interlude between say 2:02 and 2:15--we're waiting too long to get back to the story.--by the way, i've been accused of rambling a bit with the story line thing, but i LOVE the vibe and the general feel of this. THE SCARECROW/CROW verse is friggin' WONDERFUL man! there's plenty of story here--but don't listen to me...i aint famous. but i'd trust in yourself with most of what you got here!--now for me, after listening the other night to lyle lovett, hiatt, ely and the other guy who's also great (but i can't remember his name, damn) this song is not exactly country, but more alt/country, singer songwriter, and that's just fine.--i agree that the pace needs to be a tad quicker--and guess what, IMHO if you make them cuts, and pick up the pace, i think it may just kill two crows at once--one of them being radio length!I LOVE THIS TUNE (except for the crap i said up there...just consider it) ...great job.all the best,warrenps: i've got a few "ok" c/w tunes, more country than your style, on my orange site down there, if you care to listen. one has been actually forwarded twice in the 5 years i was a member. might join up again when i get better.xoxox

matthoggard · Post by **matthoggard** » Mon May 11, 2009 12:22 pm

Hey Craig.Nice to see you. (and welcome back Perry!)Ok,I agree with Perry. The tempo is too slow and the song is too long. I have found from experience that this type of song, (ballad, slow-medium tempo) is going to have a hard time getting past the gatekeepers. I THINK THIS IS A GOOD FRAMEWORK FOR A COUNTRY SONG!Lyrically, you have written this very well and you have some very nice imagery and the story leads me (the listener) along and keeps me interested.As Perry said, shorten it up. The standard country format ( I know sounds bad huh?) is verse, chorus, verse, bridge, chorus. You have really well written verses, you have a lift or pre chorus leading to the chorus's so you have all the ingredients here.1st verse IMO is a great opening verse. It has vivid imagery and the lines say things in a pretty unique way.2nd verse. Like Perry said, the Elvis and Graceland story probably can be cut out.Lift: The 2 lines preceding the chorus are good, they set up the chorus nicely.Chorus: Now here is the big "payoff" as they say. I also agree with Perry that as it is written now, "The stars in Texas" isnt the title. Most country songs have the hook/title in the last line or 2 of the chorus. I think the chorus melody is strong enough to be memorable but if you want the title to be about Texas then you need to re-word the chorus.This is how I see the hook using " the stars in Texas""Everytime it leaves me breathless when I see the stars in Texas"Used as the last 2 lines of the chorus this would be the payoff and the hook is right there.3rd verse: I REALLY LIKE this verse. I think this would actually be a very strong 2nd verse. Lift + ChorusThe last chorus is too long Im afraid. If your going to double it then it should be a direct repeat of the original chorus. The Nashville people ive been dealing with really emphasize thisSo the listener can sing right along. If the listener can sing the chorus after the first chorus then your on the right track.It does lack an "elbow moment". A lyric or phrase that makes you elbow your buddy and say "did you hear that?!"This type of story isnt all that unique so you have to really work hard to tell it in a different way. Listen to "Stars in Alabama by Jamie Johnson" same basic story but has some pretty interesting lines. Im from a rock background myself so Ive been really learning new ways to write for country but the hardest thing is trying to be unique and different. Remember every story and topic has already been written so work hard to make your rise above the crowd.You have some really cool lines in here. You know song structure, Its just about refining and tightening things up. A few little twists and turns always help the story too.I think you have a good melody too. You are off to a GREAT start (better than I was trust me). Nice demo production too.Good luck and thanks for posting the song.Matt

matthoggard · Post by **matthoggard** » Mon May 11, 2009 12:27 pm

Well im glad I got to hear it before he deleted the original post!!!craig COME BACk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

teleblaster · Post by **teleblaster** » Mon May 11, 2009 1:41 pm

This tune has a great chorus. I agree that the tempo could come up a notch or 2. I think the theme is very universal and accessible. I would have liked the bridge to be more distinct from the rest of the song.Great work on this, best of luck.Erich

perrysmith · Post by **perrysmith** » Mon May 11, 2009 1:46 pm

We scare the guy off or what?

matthoggard · Post by **matthoggard** » Mon May 11, 2009 2:03 pm

I guess so.The original post was deleted while I was typing my response.

heinsite · Post by **heinsite** » Mon May 11, 2009 4:46 pm

what the hell happened? where's the tune? no way i scared him off, ok dammit perry, it's YOUR fault!! LOL....whhey 381 come back!!

381 · Post by **381** » Mon May 11, 2009 11:02 pm

OUCH!!! I was trying to modify my post and hit the wrong button... Anyways, Thanks all..... again , some very good points, I guess I should start a new thread on what buttons not to hit in these forums.......

feaker · Post by **feaker** » Tue May 12, 2009 12:03 am

Link does not work for me.Paul