Critique welcomed...

[shawncullen]

Hi thereNew to this but this forum seems cool so I will give a song a go. The song is Fire in the Sky - it is over at youtube, just search for shawncullen - all one word. The song is about the 7th July bombings in London - I live in Wales and was on a train that day to central London that never got there. Lyrics below:V1:How can it be?Was just another ordinary day, that I seeAll the way to the endI'm lost in a place, so big so full, yet emptyAnd messages that I sendThey tell you that I'm okayChorusThere's a fire in the skyLooks like it's gonna be another bad dayTears fall from the sky againV2I'm lost on a train, stop and start, here and nowThey get it so wrong, Chinese whispersSend me crazyReports coming throughThere but for the grace of God go IAnd it's trueWhat they believe makes me cryChorusIt's calm when I'm homeI see the screen flicker thereAnd there's blood on the groundAnd in the streets and darkness yeahFor some it carries on and onThrough the night, every nightAnd I say to them all, Sleep tight.ChorusThanks guysShawn

[k o star]

hi Shawn... am listening as I type... I like the bassline so far...backing vocals needed in Chorus IMO...Verses are good so far... ... I like the pianos too... ...Overall melody is good yea... piano break section, acoustic guitar solo perhaps?Very good simple melodies in this track yes... there's alot of space for U to play around with adding more instruments/backing vocals...HTH-Kel

[shawncullen]

Wow - thanks Kel for the quick response!It's funny, there's a newer version I have recorded with background vocals in the chorus, I see "Fire................, Sky.............." holding the notes - I also thought it needed this.Very useful comments which are much much appreciated.Shawn

[lyricboy]

Shawn. Good job. Sounds a bit like The Kinks to me (LOVE The Kinks, btw)Just a couple suggestions:I'm lost in a place, so big so full, yet emptyMaybe "I'm lost in a place, so big so full, SO...(brief thoughtful pause) empty"I'd like to see you transition into the first chorus with "But there's a..." and the second chorus with "Now" maybe "Despite" on the next. Just some extra spice.I'm feeling a disconnect in the "Tears fall from the sky again" line. Unless maybe it was missiles... I am sorry, I don't remember the specifics of the event. Could "Teary cheeks toward the sky again" "Teary faces face the sky again" work for you here?And, if you're going to repeat the 3 lines in the chorus twice, I'd have just a bit of variation in them. Maybe the second time you could use "Seems like there's always another bad day" or something else a little different.I'm REALLY diggin' these lines:Through the night, every nightAnd I say to them all, Sleep tight.Nice work. Keep on with it.-lyricboyp.s. Those are all just my taste kind of opinions, so take it FWIW.

[ideascapes]

Here's the YouTube link to the song:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqY5Bchnq4cHey Shawn, it'd help if you told us your intentions for the song. Do you consider it a work in progress? Demo? Fully produced song ready for broadcast? Looking for an artist deal? Song plug? Etc.That'll let us know whether you're looking for opinions on the recording, mix, production, melody, harmony, vocal, lyrics, etc.I'll check back.Vince

[shawncullen]

These responses are great! Thanks so much.Lyricboy - your suggestions are great and very useful. I will certainly take them on board. You live with a song for soooo long sometimes it needs a new set of ears.Vince - thanks. Intentions? Don't think I will ever be famous as a recording artist, probably more of a song writer. I think with my limited knowledge of home studios it is probably as close to a final song FOR ME. Any pointers on the production - indeed, any pointers on anything to make it BETTER most welcome.

[heinsite]

hi shawn--i listened once and took these notes as i went...--bassline needs clearing up, a bit muddy--into too long (see other length comments below)--vocal a bit weak--chorus needs more separation from the verse musically, add harmony?--button ending needed.--the breaks between verses and chorus need to be shorter--with the intro a bit lengthy and the breaks a bit the same, you've got an over 5 minute tune here--too long in my opinion, and i started to lose interest.now the positives are that it has a good beat, you have good bones of a song here, the production just needs amped up, but i aint no producer/engineer, and i understand the home studio thing....nice job overall, good luck with it...the best,warren

[billg]

hey Shawn, this has the potential to be pretty cool track. All of the parts are fine I think but need some thought to the panning and eq etc. The biggest problem is that some of the pitch problems when you go for the higher stuff will be enough to drive screeners and critics crazy. If that's your intention well . . . COOL! Otherwise you might wanna work on it.

[shawncullen]

Thanks one and all for the comments - useful, helpful, thinking outside the box - they are really helping me. I am pretty new to this so it will take time. Got a few other tunes up my sleave so will look at posting. I hope one day to find "the one"!!Thanks again.Shawn