Jazz ballad question

[ncc1701]

I posted this in "Lyric Lovers," but that seems like a pretty quiet corner of the boards, so I'm hoping more ears will give this a listen here and let me know your opinion on whether this needs a second verse or not. (Thank you to Kel (reasondemon) who posted his response there already!)I finally found someone with the right voice to do justice to my jazz ballad! The demo (with me singing it and very VERY limited accompaniment) is posted on my home page:http://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_ ... m=trueI'VE GOT MY HEART IN THE RIGHT PLACEc. 2009 Kathleen StreckerVerse 1He brings me coffeeHe reads me poemsHis voice is like chocolateHis eyes are so warmHe would die inside if he knew the sinning I've doneAnd the lie that I'm spinning when I tell him he's the only oneChorus 1I've got my heart in the right placeBut I'm heading for youLike a fool, I'll be cruel to the one left behindI've got to start on an endingA break-up, a make-up and thenI'll have my heart in the right place againBridgeHow I long for a miracleThat would cure my desire for youAm I wrong to feel so pitifulWhen I know it's the right thing to do?Chorus 2I've got my heart in the right placeBut I'm heading for youLike a fool, I'll be cruel to the one left behindI've got to start on an endingA break-up, a make-up and thenI'll have my heart in the right place againI want my heart in the right place againHere's my question: This version comes in just under 4 minutes. I have another verse written that would go between the first chorus and the bridge. Lyrically, do you think the song needs it?Verse 2He's my salvationHe absolves me with a kissUnaware that as I breathe him in,My guilt gives way to blissAnd for a time, I find I can stay away from your doorBut though I cry and I pray, I know I'll soon be in your arms once moreBridgeHow I long for a miracle ... etc.Thanks,Kathleen

[hummingbird]

Hey Kathleen - doing my best to hear this as jazz, it seems to have some country elements, maybe that's just me, lol. I love the bridge. Really this reminds me of Patsy Cline's "Sweet Dreams"I think you could work on the phrasing a little. The tempo itself seems agreeable, but the pauses "in thinking" slows it too much. If each lyric line needs to stand on its own, having a big pause between "I've got my heart in the right place" and "But I'm heading for you" doesn't seem right to me.When I first read the lyrics, the "you" in the chorus threw me. I think you need that second verse to set up the chorus better.If you tightened up the melodic phrasing as suggested, and increase the tempo a little, you'll have room for it.I guess what I'm saying... be careful of hanging on to the end of every line. I'd like to hear the chorus as:I've got my heart in the right place but I'm heading for you Like a fool I'll be cruel to the one left behindI've got to start on an ending, a break-up, a make-up and then...I'll have my heart in the right place again... I sent you a PM with a sample of what I mean. HTH!!warmlyH.A.L.

[ncc1701]

Good points, Vikki. By the way, I had no idea that was you! When did you change your screen name?!?!I'll play around with the phrasing some. Now that you point it out, I agree it could use more variation. Kathleen

[ibanez468]

Hey Kathleen!Yeah, it kinda' borders from time ta' time. I'm tryna' hear this as jazz as well. At times it's there, and at other times it seems to move away from the jazzy tone. Maybe some of the chord choices keep it from really sounding as jazzy as it could. I don't know. Good song though. I just really try ta' dig into it myself, no tip-toeing. Either I'm goin full in, or I'm not, and I try ta' definitely make the statement, by the sound of the music, that this is "jazz", no question. Know what I'm sayin'? I do like the song though, and that short ending, that said "jazz". The very beginning said "jazz" too, but in-between those 2 points, is where it's hard for me to identify. Just my $.02 of course, FWIW. Good job though!ibanez468

[crs7string]

Kathleen,Is this for a particular listing.? (I know there is a Dispatch listing for jazz songs ala Billie Holiday)When I see a listing for that type of style I immediately think of the form of most of the great American song book.When they are performed, most of the time the singer doesn't sing the "verse" ( think of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" most fo the time you don't hear "when all the world etc etc.) the singer starts with "somewhere over the rainbow"The form from there forward is nearly always AABA. They may open it up for solos on the second AA section, vocalist back in on B and out on the last A.If the goal is to be true to the style (and that may not be the objective here) IMO the form is important. The listener of jazz ballads has been indoctrinated.Also, there is usually a pretty consistent harmonic rhythm, (one chord per bar or two chords per bar ) and a key change in the B section.Just a few thoughts.Chuck