"Heartless" - Ready for production?

[mojobone]

Could use a lyric tweak or two, particularly in the chorus; I like where you went with the bridge, the intro is too long by half, and with the right production, I think it could crack the hot 100, if there's still such a thing. Excellent!

[partyofone]

hey blue, mcanty, andre, jamie, dean and mojo thanks for taking the time guys!mcanty.. I know what you mean about the demo having a better feel. sometimes I get clinical when doing the "real" version and lose some of that vibe and attitude.. sometime we just fall in love with the first recording even though it's flawed.mojo wow top 100 huh? that would be amazing ha ha. I actually been looking up some really great rock producers in Nashville thinking about honing a batch of songs through Taxi and then trying to see if one of them would work with me on spec for some writing credits. maybe a long shot but who knows.I agree the chorus is a bit vanilla for my taste so I'll ponder that. I really love how the melody and phrasing of "You're the coldest / Of the heartless" combine but I could probably come up with a better line before to make the last lines have more meaning.oh yeah thanks on the intro.. I will def consider halving it.I've been going through and cataloging all my ideas. I've listened to 30 and have about 25 more to go. It's kind of daunting to listen back and pick some to finish.

[deantaylor]

PS I think this is a GREAT lyric line:You're the coldestOf the heartless

[partyofone]

Thanks Dean! That makes me feel warm and fuzzy because I especially like it myself. Not really deep but just a cool turn of phrase.

[heinsite]

i think this has great possibilities, even as rough as it is....only thing i'm not that crazy about is perhaps the hooky-est thing, the dododo dahdah things you've got going. would like it replaced with not diff "music", but with some cool phrase, something that might use "heartless" in it--and don't laugh, but in about 3-4 part harmony...the rest of the lyrics are ok, and that's cool for pop, and this does have a very "today" radio sound to me ears.nice draft!the best,wh

[partyofone]

Hey Warren thanks for taking the time!Ha yeah can understand what you mean on the doo-doo's. Interesting idea to put a lyric in its place so I'll give it some thought. And I'm all about 3 part harmony. My old band squeezed it into almost every song we had ha ha! I know production will make or break this one so I'm anxious to see what can be done. Not sure if I'm going to enlist outside help or not this time.

[ciskokidd]

Hey Patrick,First let me say great melody!I disagree with Warren on the do-do-do hook as it is what will distinguish your track from all the others out there with a similar vibe.I have only one lyrical problem and it has to do with prosody. To me the lyrical content is at odds with the happy-poppy mood of the song. It's a subtle thing that distinguishes good writers from really good writers and the musical audience also perceives this although the can't really tell you what it is that bothers them. Let me put it to you this way - do you smile when you are sad?I don't think you need to do a complete rewrite to get it there though. My suggestion is to work on your chorus to give it some sort of uplifting message that basically says "You're the coldest of the heartless and I'm over you." So basically you have a positive spin in your hook that marries to the bright feeling of the melody.The rest of the lyric then works like a charm. Since you haven't produced it yet I would challenge you to make this good song a great song!Great lyrical payoff in the bridge by the way!Best,Cisko

[toddt]

Mar 9, 2009, 1:05pm, ciskokidd wrote:Hey I have only one lyrical problem and it has to do with prosody. To me the lyrical content is at odds with the happy-poppy mood of the song. It's a subtle thing that distinguishes good writers from really good writers and the musical audience also perceives this although the can't really tell you what it is that bothers them. Let me put it to you this way - do you smile when you are sad?Hi Patrick I like it, it's definitely worth the working up, and I look forward to hearing what you do with it. You're very good at this stuff mate.FWIW I agree with Cisko - I really like the dududun.ts.ts.dudunowdonow (spelling?) - it's a cool and memorable hook.FWIW2 However while Cisko raises a point that can be valid, I don't think it's worth changing lyrics for it in your case - there are always blazing, chart-topping, grammy-winning exceptions to any rule, such as Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder anyways.And so this is goodbye-i-yie...tt

[joeymurillo]

Your call? Told you ya got the flowy thing going already...Talk to ya this week..Joeywww.taxi.com/joeymurillo

[ciskokidd]

Mar 9, 2009, 1:55pm, toddt wrote:Mar 9, 2009, 1:05pm, ciskokidd wrote:Hey I have only one lyrical problem and it has to do with prosody. To me the lyrical content is at odds with the happy-poppy mood of the song. It's a subtle thing that distinguishes good writers from really good writers and the musical audience also perceives this although the can't really tell you what it is that bothers them. Let me put it to you this way - do you smile when you are sad?Hi Patrick I like it, it's definitely worth the working up, and I look forward to hearing what you do with it. You're very good at this stuff mate.FWIW I agree with Cisko - I really like the dududun.ts.ts.dudunowdonow (spelling?) - it's a cool and memorable hook.FWIW2 However while Cisko raises a point that can be valid, I don't think it's worth changing lyrics for it in your case - there are always blazing, chart-topping, grammy-winning exceptions to any rule, such as Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder anyways.And so this is goodbye-i-yie...tt Ah yes tt, but that is exactly my point. I'll take your example:Makes Me Wonder - ChorusGive me something to believe inCause I don't believe in youAnymore, AnymoreI wonder if it even makes a difference to try(Yeah)So this is goodbyeSo basically the chorus gets a positive spin because he is not gonna take it any longer and the "something to believe in" implies he still holds hope for something better than what she has to offer him. So although he is negative toward the current situation there is light at the end of the tunnel.It's something we can all relate to when we have had our hearts broken and want to believe that there is life after love.That is what makes this song a GREAT song!Best,Cisko