Thoughts on the lyric and song?

[feaker]

leftyWhat's there not to like about this song?Here are a couple very petty comments.Like the grunge guitar.Need fill of some sort behind "his future bride. (child was lost, that fill)Love the brass.This sounds like something you and Geo co-wrote? (Geo would have more words)The words "saw it" sound expressionless (maybe that is how you want it), I compare those to the passion shown in the rest of the chorus (which I think is very good.) picky pickyNot going to comment on the lyrics.good luckPaul

[southpaw]

Thanks for the feedback guys.Kitz, i like your ideas. I hadnt thought too much about both sides, i see what you're saying. I suppose it might be best to air on the side of 'clear and understandable lyrics'..No need to worry about being to critical bro, i very much appreciate your thoughts.You're angle and lyric sugg's seem to fit pretty nicely, i have noted them for next session.Thanks.Feaker, Thanks for your comments. I do think that background fill could help accentuate those build parts of the verses. I love the feedback here because people can hear a song in such detail and give not only an overview critique of the song, but also dial in to these great little ideas that enhance a song and improve it! Thanks Paul.Cheers

[heckxx]

Very nice song! Production-wise, those trumpet blasts seem a bit out a place, maybe they're just too loud or too noticeably face. The distortion guitars in the chorus maybe could be louder, depending on how heavy you want it to sound there. Otherwise, its a great song!-Jeff

[ideascapes]

Jamie,Great production (drums and vocals!!) and song idea here. Love the title. Agree with Jeff's comments about the trumpet hits, although the sustained notes seem to fit better. I don't think the trumpet sound survives exposure by itself (too synthy).During the verses I'm wondering if you could spread the guitar out a bit more around the vocal.Your pre-chorus functions well lyrically, but it seems a place where you could use a different harmony or break/build better to the chorus (you do this a little with the drums on the last line).The vocal arrangment stands out--parts, panning, etc.Great job overall!Vince

[trieglaffrock]

I really like the message in this song. It's great that you were able to put in so much info and have it work with the song. If you are just going to use this song for your personally enjoyment, I would say put as much info about your grandfather as possible and knock out all the kinks of rhyming to really making your point. But if you are looking to pitch something like this to a listening, I would say make the lines more about universal things rather than just facts. That way people can relate to it while also giving you the personally satisfaction of making a song about your grandfather!Also, the line "through it all he remained the guardian!" Is a great melody and lyric, nice job!And lastly, re-record "Duty" in the chorus and emphasis the "T" cuz the first time I heard it I thought it was DOODY ;-)All and all, it's a nice tune, but depending on what you want to do with it, it might be just fine or need some adjustments. Great job man!!!P.S. - If you pitch it for a few different listening, I'd try demo-ing it with a few different vocalists, from a girl to a rocker sounding guy to get a better idea for the listener.

[cameron]

Jamie,I always like your songs so probably I'm a little biased by now. This is a touching tribute and well done, as usual. Anything I could find wrong would be nitpicking, so just let well enough alone I say.Cam

[heinsite]

hi lefty!no production comments except the vocal a bit echo-y in places...no help from me--i agree with carlos thought on the guitar suggestion...don't know anything about production.love the song, didn't read the lyrics, got it all, good song structure overall, very nice job, nice vocal as well..the best,warren

[ig88]

Nice song structure. the bass sounds good. haha whats with the horns? it sounds awful when it stabs. Nice hook, sounds like american radio. take that how you will

[southpaw]

Thanks a lot folks! I just posted an updated mix and modified the song a little. Thanks for the sugg's i think they helped! Take a listen and tell me if anything else sticks outta place.A few of the fixes: Namely, recut some of the LVox parts,Rewrote the bridgeI did a little bit of the mix work, using the ideas i got here, and the result is pretty solid i think!I added some nice little 'sparkle' effects here and there, boosted the chorus guitars a little, spread the trumpet section out with an imaging tool. Tweaked the vocal a little, although unfortunately I think that echo is still present in places warren, its been a tough little bugger to iron out! Jeff, the trumpets are a little harsh i think still, i added a little bit of 240 for fullness which sounded a little better. I also widened them in the stereo field, let me know if still dont sit right from over there.Vince, thanks bro. I tried spreading the guitars out but left too much of a whole, so i just widened them out several degrees. Resulting in what you hear in the update. Thanks for theencouraging words.Cam, Thanks! Shweet, now i got two fans! ..Although my puppy doesnt have much of a choice to listen to my stuff, so im not sure she counts!Warren, Thanks for the listen and comments! Ill have to try some sidechain compression or something for that excess echo. Appreciate the comments, thanks again!Thanks for listening trieglaffrock and IG88, cutting the song with different vocalists is a cool idea. Im not sure a female vocal would work on this song, id definitely like to find a great 'rock' singer. I still havent figured out what im going to do with this one yet.Cheers

[mojobone]

Sounds great! The horns could sit a little better in the mix, (I've only heard the most recent version) but given the style, I don't think a little synth-iness is a deal-breaker. I do have one suggestion, though, and it's pretty major; sing this in the first person. The song is anthemic in nature, and if you can inhabit the character, it comes off less like a history lesson, helps the listener identify with the protagonist, and just maybe makes it easier to sing along with when it comes on the radio.