Is this any good?

[Casey H]

Hi BillYour worst are much better than most of my best scraps... In the verses, the song sounds like an early Dylan replacement. The chorus, which is very catchy, reminds me of someone/ something else... can't put my finger on it but it's good.Definitely worth saving! As much as I LOVE the hook lyrics about drinking too much and "life's a bitch but then you die", they might limit the film/TV opps. Changing this might remove the "soul" of the song-- unless you came up with something equally powerful. I have the same problem with my "frankly" songs.... So in the "better at giving advice than taking it" realm... consider an alternate lyrical version.Good stuff... If it continues to be unclaimed in a few weeks, let me know! Casey

[heinsite]

hey bill,had a fresh listen and coffee this morning, and first thing is the title, IMHO i'd try just "And Then You Die"--and leave out the life's a bitch part--too many times we've all heard that, and in a title, might work fine, but...i don't have time right now to review this, if you're gunna scrap it, even more so, but if you're still interested in a couple weeks, post it up and i'll crack the pen and quill and tweak some of the lyrics, free--you probably won't like them anyway...LOL...the best,wh

[erandall]

Hi BillI think there's definitely a lot here that's worth keeping, but I agree that some rewriting would help tremendously. You asked for honesty, so here goes:1. I think it should be a little faster2. I think the pre-chorus and first two lines of the chorus are great, and I like the way the pre-chorus leads into the chorus. Having said that, I think the last two lines of the chorus are weak. I don't know what the "truth of my reply" is, other than possibly, "no I don't love you" but I'm just guessing, and the "life's a bitch and then you die" is trite. I really like the being out of touch, drinking too much, drinking being a crutch, and I think the last two lines of the chorus should address that a bit more. So, my suggestion would be something about "I'm drunk cause then I can't reply," "I'd rather stay numb until I die" or something along those lines3. I like the first verse except for tossing and turning and the night going by at the speed of light. I think watching somebody toss and turn makes the night go by slowly. And, this is really nit picking, but I think there are some unnecessary small words, like "feels so different" IMHO doesn't need the so, it just dilutes the sentiment. 4. THe first half of the verse 2 seems a little odd to me. I don't see filing dreams carefully away as an extreme way to maintain disarray. I just don't get that. I do like the idea of extreme action to protect the disarray, though. I just think it should be something more literal or an image that I can really picture. I'm not sure what that would be, exactly. THrowing out notes that she left? Leaving an untrue note? Message on the phone? Buying expensive plane tix on a credit card? Calling an old girlfriend the narrator doesn't even like? I don't know. Something that the narrator actually does to keep life a mess. 5. I love the second half of verse 2! if you don't go with this song, I think you should take those 4 lines and write a new song with them. Great lines! I think it's a pretty common feeling that people will relate to said in a straightforward but catchy way. Production is not my thing, but I liked the overall sound a lot. And I like the vox. Hope this is helpful and not annoying! I guess you can tell that I'm a big fan of rewriting!Ellen

[billg]

thanks Ellen, I pretty much agree with everything you've said!I've made up my mind to scrap this, just too many things wrong. I like the verse melody & some lyrics, I really like the pre-chorus but don't like the way the chorus turned out at all. I'm sure that parts of this will re-surface in a much better song.All of my songs that anyone has ever considered any good were really quick & easy writes, the ones I really have to work at just never payoff and always seem to be a waste of time. I know it goes against convential songwriting "rules" but I just can't seem to be able to re-write. That's the bad part . . . the good part is that I'm able to write a lot of songs . . . usually about 8 per month and if I'm lucky two will be what other people consider good songs (forwarded through Taxi or placed on my own, downloaded for $$, etc.) so I just keep writing as many as I can.I wish I was a good "re-writer" I'm sure it would improve my songwriting, but I also don't want to be someone who is constantly beating the "dead horse" song. I know lots of writer's who do that.I have had to abandon a lot of songs (less now that in the past). I always force myself to finish because sometimes the process of working on a song will present an idea that saves it. Unfortunately not the case with this one!!have a HUGE song "orphanage" file

[erandall]

Hi BillI'm sorry you're abandoning the song to the orpahage...But seriously, the reason I'm posting this is because I noticed that I'm at 99 posts and I wanted to see if anything happens, like another star, at 100 posts. (I'm a sucker for a gold star!) Sorry to stray from the topic at hand.CHeers,Ellen

[erandall]

Cool!

[matthoggard]

Feb 7, 2009, 11:52am, billg wrote:thanks Ellen, I pretty much agree with everything you've said!I've made up my mind to scrap this, just too many things wrong. I like the verse melody & some lyrics, I really like the pre-chorus but don't like the way the chorus turned out at all. I'm sure that parts of this will re-surface in a much better song. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!!!! WTF??????Im sorry but I just listened another few times and learned the chord structure.It may not be polished but I dont care what everyone else says.This is damn near genius!! Ill put it next to almost any Dylan song.Sure the chorus is a little unconventional but thats the beauty of it. I love the whole in yer face, if you dont like my ways then too bad "lifes a bitch" attitude here. Oh well, I hate to see you scrap it. M~

[kitz]

Bill - 3rd listen - same comment as Ellen on speed of light line but I REALLY LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE!! One thing - the drums in the verse - a little too heavy or repetitive - for my tastes - LOVE the chorus and pre-chorus. Maybe change the "I know I drink too much" line as just too much information. Maybe "I know I think too much" or something. Musically I think this is just great!!Don't give up on this - maybe set it aside for a little while but there is so much potential in the musicality that IMHO you should just keep working it - a little at a time. I really think it can get there! No hurry - but don't ditch!!Kitz

[erandall]

Hey BillI, too, really love this song and I was offering my thoughts on improving it, not ditching it! I love to rewrite lyrics especially. I love to find just the right words that say what I want to and sound good doing it! So, if you took the number of my comments to mean that there was too much wrong with the song to fix, I am sorry. That's not what I intended in the least. I should have stressed that I think the song is basically there! If you hadn't asked for comments, I would have accepted it as is. BTW, I wouldn't have listened to it as many times as I did, read the lyrics as many times as I did, or written back with as many comments as I did if I didn't essentially love the song! Do we have to hold a seance or something? Please, bring it back! London's calling! (or whatever)Cheers,Ellen

[billg]

Hey Ellen, I really appreciate the comments and I would never ditch a song JUST because there were a few problems . . . If I really liked the song. The thing is I wasn't really sure how I felt about this song . . . I go back & forth, I'll listen & think I can make something out of it, listen again and really almost hate it.I'm not sure I have what it takes to turn this into something I'm really going to like. I'll probably pull it out again in a few years and say to myself "Mmmm, wonder why I ditched this?" And then I'll start this process al over again LOL!