Musical Theater Comedy Song - comments please

[ideascapes]

I know this is out of the ordinary for this forum, but I'm being given the opportunity to pitch a song or two for a musical production that could be headed for Broadway. If you're so inclined, please give a listen and provide comments, mainly on the melody, harmony, and lyric. I'll hire a theater pro for the final vocal but will probably keep my production as you hear it here.Thanks much!Vince----------------------------------------------Song Title: Pyramid Scheme http://www.taxi.com/ideascapesCopyright 2009 Vince Constantinoideascapes music (ASCAP)You say, yo bro, we need to chatIt’s an amazing opportunity A very beneficial business pactJust between you and meYou say I can get in on the ground floor Of this cool, next big thing You’re just opening up the door Can’t I hear the cash registers ring? But I must act now, for this prospect closesWe’ll be way upline looking down our noses It’s a sure thing, pyramid schemeAnd don’t I wanna be livin’ that dream?It’s a sure thing, get rich pyramid schemeAnd you’re on top(I gotta have that cowbell) You say it’s a super franchise dealLooking for movers and shakers Deadwood mummies needn’t apply It’s only for market makersIf I sign right now to kick this off Just how much dough could I make? If I tap on all my family and friendsWill we all be eating steak? Vitamins, herbs, remedies Powders, lotions, prosperity!It’s a sure thing, pyramid schemeAnd don’t I wanna be livin’ that dream?It’s a sure thing, get rich pyramid schemeAnd we’re on top Uh, just a few questions, if you don’t mindMarket saturation? (Creative visualization) Exaggerated income? (Well, that’s just dumb) Sign-up fees? (Oh, please) Uh, kinda like a cult? (Hey, that’s an insult) Yeah, now I’m decided, I’m poundin’ the gavelYour Ponzi scheme? It’s unraveled!It’s a sure thing pyramid schemeAnd don’t I wanna be livin’ that dream?It’s a sure thing, pyramid schemeAnd I’m walking away…like an Egyptian! It’s a sure thing, pyramid scheme And don't I wanna be livin' that dream It’s a sure thing, pyramid scheme And I don't wanna be livin' that dream, noOhh (More like a nightmare)Ohh (Wakin’ up in a cold sweat)OhhOhh...I’m on top

[timbehrens]

Hi Vince,I enjoyed listening to your song. The chorus has a really nice, catchy hook to it. I'm not very familiar with this style/market, but purely as a listener, I found myself wishing there was more melody injected into the verses... wondering if there might be a way to keep the conversational style going while still having a bit more of a melody.Also, in the verse with the conversation ie 'Uh, kinda like a cult? (Hey, that's an insult)' you might be able to get away with not having every line rhyme. It might be a nice break from the music to make that entirely conversational.In any case, just a few observations, but I think it's a great tune and hope you have a chance to pitch it.Best of luck.Tim

[geo]

Hi Vince.....Everytime you post a song I smile and think of my first critique of you ...You have some serious writing chops my friend cause this sounds on target to me.... I could follow the story... saw the scene changing ...... I think Tim's suggestion about the back and forth between the Judge and the fellow might be a good one....Did you have story ideas/a particular script to work with or is this for a demo pack that they can shop as part of their service, composers available, etc? Good luck!!!Peace, Geo

[teleblaster]

Wow, you're a creative guy. I don't feel qualified to comment on this track, but hey, that's never stopped me before. The banjo seems a little 'less plucky' than most banjos I've heard. Is that a sample? You might want to add a little bit of 'click' to it at any rate, I seem to miss it mostly on the chords.The vox sound like they're in a different space than the band, not from a 'verb perspective but the envelope. Vox are very personal and up front, but the backing tracks are very smeared ( not a bad thing, just seems in juxtaposition to the vox). Maybe that's the deal for this type of work -- you want the lyric to pop for the theatre folks. I'd find something more Egyptian for that little pice of schtick too. I'm not sure what to suggest, but the deal in there sounds a little bit more like outer space.Those are just nits though. Overall this is really a creative work. Well performed and recorded.Give my regards to Broadway... (couldn't resist)Erich

[heinsite]

THANK GOD!!!now why and the hell can't we listen to broadway musical stuff??? I LOVE MUSICALS MAN!!and needless to say, i love this vince, it's well produced my friend ("walkin' away like an egyption...") very cool...and you know what you can get away with IMHO, the lyrics at times are a bit corny, but it's the AUDIENCE man, and i think you've nailed it...it's got a bit of everything, the rap, the banjo, man, what a splendid blend...you be oozing with talent my friend..."it's a sure thing"...it is quality for that genre IMHO....good luck with it!!all the best,warrenTOP TOP TOP TOP...

[ideascapes]

Thanks for listening, guys...I figured the "Musical Theater" title would keep most people away, so it's good to read your notes!Tim, that's a good comment about not needing to rhyme the spoken line--I'll likely change that. I wrote the verses in spoken voice for as the producer said this song will need to advance the story line considerably--we'll see if they go for it (and yes, I will get a chance to pitch it).Geo, I remember your first critique of me as being honest and usable, especially on the lyric. I'll have to go dig it out now to see if my recollection is accurate. I do have a story line to work with and was given the "assignment" to write this song to go with a particular scene.Erich, agree with you about the banjo (which is a sample) and will enhance it. I did mix the vox out front on purpuse. Since this is a pure demo I wanted to make sure the vocal was very audible compared to the instrumentation. Your comment on the Egyptian line made me wonder: is it even possible to walk like an Eyptian in outer space, given, you know, no gravity or oxygen or soun, the big, bulky space suit...Warren, I grew up listening to show tunes (and jazz and gospel and rock and classical), so I got all this stuff in my head that needs to come out, even if it's not "cool." Glad you enjoyed it.Vince

[jwebbinspired]

Vince, I don't any of us understand the depths of your musical ability. Wow. I love musicals, my sister is REALLY into musicals. This was hilarious. The lyric is excellent. I really enjoyed the dialogue toward the end, that was very Broadway. A little more melody in the verses definitely wouldn't hurt, but in a way it almost seemed like a rap at the beginning. I was on board. I don't have too much feedback to give other than I liked it a lot. Great stuff.Andy

[cameron]

Vince,Your creativity is amazing!! You seem to be able to tackle whatever genre you choose, which is the mark of a true pro. You've obviously been doing this awhile. This song has some of the feel of Paul Simon's "Pigs, Sheep and Wolves" which also has banjo and dialog going on. It's a cool song... check it out sometime. It's sort of hard to comment on a song for a musical without seeing the play it fits into, but I like your melody and I would guess for a musical your dialog probably works just fine as is.Cam

[ideascapes]

Thanks for the comments, Andy and Cam. Doesn't everybody's sister like musicals? I've never heard "Pigs, Sheep and Wolves," but will check it out.I've played music my whole life, but when I started this production/publishing bidness 3+ years ago, I told myself I wasn't going to limit the genres I'd attempt (against everybody's advice then and now). To me it's part of the fun to see if I can pull it off each time. I've had mixed success, with placements in jazz, classic rock, new age, electronica, and classical, but no luck with modern rock, pop, or country.V>