"Save Your Breath" - Comments on final mix pls

[ideascapes]

I originally posted a rough sketch of this song on Nov 23, and here I am nearly 2 months later with a final (I think) version. Got some super useful comments from you all previously--thanks much! Now looking for any and all comments, but focused on mix/production at this point. Vince---------------------------------http://www.taxi.com/ideascapesSave Your BreathCopyright 2008 Vince Constantino, ideascapes music (ASCAP)I know you've lots to say Don't bother tryin’ to explainI've heard it all beforeI won’t hear any moreSo let’s not waste our time, noSave your breathSave your breath (for our last kiss)Save your breathI say, save your breath (for our last kiss)So, you’re sorry for the timeI could have called you mineAnd you still regret the dayThe way you ran awayI know you’ve lots to say, noSave your breathSave your breath (for our last kiss)Save your breathI say, save your breath (for our last kiss)If I just wait for youIt’ll all be for the bestIf this is fate for meThen I can finally restAnd we’ll both be blessedI wonder ‘bout the timesWe used to wine and dineAnd I still recall the dayThe way you made me waitI can wait some more, yesSave your breathSave your breath (for our last kiss)Save your breathI say, save your breath (for our last kiss)

[orest]

I think the chorus is really catchy! You done that really well, and the backing vox really makes it breathtaking! Don't know what genre you're after? R'n'b, pop? Both? You really should update some of the instrument and the rhythmical section. Listen to contemporary music in that genre, I have really learned a lot from that. Rhianna, Justin Timberlake, Timbaland and so on.. Another thing is your o in the no, it seems like you swallow them when you sing, try to sing it clearer and a bit less tongue, make the o in front of your mouth instead of placing them in the rear end. Some pitches here and there, listen hard to the vox, maybe some more pre-delay as well to place it even broader in the sound image. If you make some changes, you might have a R'n'b ballad hit on your hands! Liked it then you took it down with just the electric piano and the vox as well!

[feaker]

vincecan't stream it, sorryPaul

[orest]

I noticed that there are some people experience the same problem with that particular streamer. Maybe there are too many users. But I could stream it this time though.

[kitz]

Vince,Nice catchy chorus! I like the percussion. I'm thinking Al Jarreau for some reason. I could also hear female vocals. Also I think orest has some good points on the "oh". Got a really nice start. Production of this should be fun so have some fun!Kitz

[cjdenecia]

Nov 23, 2008, 10:21am, ideascapes wrote:This song is in very early stages--I thought I'd actually ask for some opinions for a change before launching into full-blown final production.Would love to hear your opinions on the song--melody, harmony, lyric, form, arrangement. As it is rough, please try to overlook the current production and mixing issues. As a reminder, I'm not really a singer, so the final version of this will feature one who can do it right.Thanks in advance!Vincehey vince ..... I'm only gonna touch on a few things here ....lyrically .... well ... second song of yours I've looked at .... you love to force rhymes. STOP. you're killing yourself finding the perfect match man ... to begin with, there's not a damn thing wrong with near rhymes. don't go with the first thing that comes to mind for the mere sake of it being vowel for vowel and consonant for consonant. you're boxing yourself in. secondly, on that subject (lyrics) ... there are many many ways to say the same thing ... many words that are close enough in meaning to be able to replace simple formula words with other ones that are more interesting - and more importantly, good words to vocalize in song. and that's usually gonna be words that are normal in conversation but not something that's said every 10 to 20 words ... something that makes your brain say "yeah" but make your brain work - just a little ... not much ... just a little ... listeners want a surprise, but they don't normally want to have to work to understand.the fact is, the verses in this song are a fertile field of a cliche harvest ...say, explain (that one isn't bad but you don't fit it in so well)before, anymoretime, mineday, away (I'm typing these down after the first words cus I know what you're gonna say next - sooooo predictable ...)times, dineday, made you ? wait??? ......if you must use these very overused combos - you have to change up your melody to hide them as cliche's ... one way to do that would be to leave the last word out of a line and bring it in on the beginning of a start line of the next - tho if you do that, you'll find you don't even need to rhyme on every phrase - and bingo! you'll be writing better words!on a positive note, I do think the chorus and bridge melodies are very good ... they match a decent phrase with a nicely constructed set of notes - especially the bridge. they seem to flow and aren't as contrived and overused.back to what I think might be a little off ....the verse melody.to make a long story short, it's not a melody. at least not in the context of the song you've created here. it's a vocal exercise. in fact, if I dug through the old CD of my vocal lessons that my instructor made for me, I'm sure I'd find that scale in it ... probably for the reason of making sure I could pull off the descending riff without pitch loss ... and you sorta don't do that. plus, it really lacks any interest at all. as a singer, I wouldn't even consider that melody. if you brought it to me, I'd immediately be turned off. I can't make it sound great cus it ain't great. and I can only work with what I'm given or just flat out change it - and you're songwriting here ... you need to invite the singer to want to sing your song. I guarantee that most wouldn't be interested cus it's not interesting.maybe it had a familiarity that you liked. fine. work with it's premise but change it to make it something more exciting - even if you want it to be heard as laid back, relaxed and intimate.but don't go that rudimentary unless you're writing children's nursery rhymes. ANYONE CAN DO THAT. (not write children's songs - anyone can write rudimentary melodies) you're wanting to sell this as a songwriter. so write a song. match the verses up to the quality of the chorus and bridge.again, I want to stress, there's goodness in those parts ... but the verses are a major letdown that won't go unforgiven as the song is passed by without a glance ...sorry to be so negative on it but it really really strikes me as a thing that so many independent writers and musicians (singers) fall to ... I have done it myself without realizing ... simply cus at first, it sounded right. but from what perspective?please, for the sake of this songs better aspects, give the verses a second look and move them around a bit melodically. the song will thank you.and for that matter, if there is a god in heaven (and obviously, with hillary as the incoming SoS, there isn't ...) every CEO on the planet what makes more than 100K a year will contract a wicked bad case of genital mumps and have to have either an amputation of the extending appendage or (if it's an "innie") have it filled with that new fibercrete stuff they make sidewalks out of these days.sterilize politicians for christmas!!!sorry, I'll save my breath ....

[hummingbird]

just gonna comment on the lyrics - which you've said are a sketch, and as a sketch, they do convey a sense of emotion to me, and that's a good start. but before even working on form (as cj has suggested), I would decide what this song is going to be about. The story of verse 1 seems to be very different from the rest of the song. Verse 1 says that she has something to explain. This leads nicely into a great & catchy chorus, 'save your breath". That is inspired. Now you need to write the verses & story that lead us to that conclusion.verse 1 says she's got lots to say/explain, but you've heard every excuse, this is it, let's not waste our time, noverse 2 says You (the singer) are sorry. now you've changed the story of the song. you ran away from her. she wants to 'ask' you something. verse 3 says you want her to wait for you, that "this" (what?) is fate for you & 'then' you will be able to rest (from?) again, doesn't follow with verse 1, IMO.here's a bit of a suggestion from me (not worrying about rhymes):Save Your BreathCopyright 2008 ideascapes musicI know you've lots to say Don't bother tryin’ to explainI've heard it all beforeSo let’s not waste our time, noSave your breathSave your breath (for our last kiss)Save your breathSave your breath (for our last kiss)-tell me about your relationship, why you love her, why you stayed with her, what it is about her that made it impossible for you to let go before this, don't try to change my mind...no- tell me what she did (cheated?), what you've heard before (just one time), why you are drawing the line this day, now (last straw)... don't want to hear anymore, noBridge-YOU'RE sorry for the BAD timeSYOU WISH YOU STILL WERE MINEBUT DON'T, DON'T EVEN TRY TO ask, no…HTH - don't give up. I strongly suggest writing the song in prose. Think about your characters, their relationship, and the imagery of the story. It helps to visualize the story as a video, with a beginning (vs1), middle (v2), and end (v3). I think your story got off track, like cj mentioned, you're looking for the rhyme & then letting that drive the story. I write the story, and then look for the words that will tell it. A 5-line verse is great, but think about only rhyming line 3 with line 5, for example, to free up your writing a little.Love to see the rewrite, PM me when you've posted it

[ideascapes]

orest, that's a great suggestion to visit the current R&B sounds...one I've been avoiding, so thanks. Yeah, the Broadjam streamer/server does seem to get tied up sometimes (sorry, feaker).kitz, Al Jarreau is a great ref and one of my favorites in that genre.cj, wow--thanks for taking the time (your post was longer than the song)! Here's what I got: lose the forced perfect rhymes; write a better verse melody. I'm on it.Vicky/Hummingbird, aw, you're gonna make me re-write the lyric so it makes sense? Darn! Seriously, that was incredibly generous of you to give me specific ideas for the story and I will definitely follow up.Appreciate all the advice and hope to continue to reciprocate!Vince

[ideascapes]

Posted new version...

[devin]

Hey Vince!I like the vibe here...it's a good pace. The vocal has really nice nice quality to it...yours?I wasn't picking up the "our" from the chorus, so it was sounding "for last kiss" to me on my cheapo speakers. I like the hook and melody of it, it's just hard for me to hear what you wrote.Just my $0.02 of course my good man!