In Our Other Life - Enough of a chorus?

[cameron]

Hey ya'llJust finished this work tape. Just wondering if the song has enough of a chorus. There are also some rhyme inconsistencies from verse to verse that I guess I'll have to fix too. Not sure why though.Also not sure if I should call it "In Our Other Life or "In My Other Life". As you will see the recording is one way and the written lyrics are the other. What do you think?Thanks for the listen.Camhttp://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_id=1981 ... ========In My Other LifeIn the corner of my dresser drawerin a broken picture frameis a photo of our wedding vowsthe colors are all faded nowMan, you looked beautifulall dressed in whiteYou were my princess thenand I was your shining knightBut knights lose their lusterand castles grow coldnow all that's left are the photographs of oldeIt was another timein another lifeand though it wasn't meant to beseeing you this chill came over me ChorusAnd I couldn't help rememberingwhen we were man and wifein my other life.When I look backit's like another ageand even though you're happy nowI can't help feeling bad somehowNow I know that you weren't wrongjust wrong for meAnd I guess it took me all this time to seeNow we're both finein our new livesand though it wasn't meant to beyou'll always be a part of me ChorusAnd I couldn't help rememberingwhen we were man and wifein my other life.

[partyofone]

Cam... dude the chorus line "in our other life" HIT me! Was great! Quote:There are also some rhyme inconsistencies from verse to verse that I guess I'll have to fix too. Not sure why though.Ha ha. I'm not sure if that was supposed to be humorous but it struck as hilarious the way you phrased it.IMHO I like "in our other life" better since the song is so centered around the "we" aspect. My 2 cents. But I can see why you'd say "My" since the character is talking about his life and in a way it seems somehow more direct or cleaner to say "my". But maybe saying "we" would add some more kind of emotional connection for the female listener. (Just thinking out loud)."photographs of olde" .. .love that phrase in there.nice!

[partyofone]

also.. verse inconcsistencies didn't hit my at all, but I'm not of the Nashville school of writing I guess.ha ha.. also realized I never answered you original question...yeah I think the chorus works as is to me.. but on 2nd thought maybe a shorter path through the verse to it.. or some kind of different melodic movement in the 2nd half of the verse to let me know you're about to drop me off at the chorus... that line still hit me and works IMO.

[billg]

I like In My Other Life as you have it now. I think you should think about "but my armour lost it's luster" or something like that. Seems to me that you should take an opportunity to play off of the word knight instead of using it again in the very next line.The chorus seems short. You could take an easy route by repeating the first line again . . . maybe chging it slightly;I couldn't help remembering(no) I couldn't help but remember whenWe were man and wifeIn my other lifeSomething like that . . . anyway, it's the additional line that's needed imo. Cool song though, I like all of your stuff!

[heinsite]

hi cam--first, the piano is great here--is that YOU? damned straight, to the point and "sonically" sound...second, your vocals sound fine to me to try to "sell" this--i would NOT send this out unless you get at least 2 ciritques from submissions that say so...third--i agree with bill on the "more to" the chorus, and his suggestion may be it, but i'd add another line--WHATEVER you think would fit. and of course, imho, if you can just lift the chorus a bit more, it would help,but you again have something here my friend,all the best,warren

[adrienne]

Hi Cam. I really like this song. My preference is "In My Other Life" because in our other life is very hard to sing. I'll throw out another suggestion though....you could say "In Another Life". It sings easier than both titles and I think still holds the same meaning.I think the chorus is enough but I think it comes in too late. I think there's some ways you can tighten up the verses so that it comes in earlier. Just my two cents. Great idea for a song!

[cameron]

Thanks a bunch Patrick, Bill and Warren. Adrienne, I guess you get the gold star though as I think you hit the nail right on the head. It takes too long to get to the chorus! Silly me!! Funny how you can be so close to something and not see it yourself. I also think "In Another Life" might be the best solution to the title. The song started out as "In My Other Life", but as I added the verses referring to life with wife it became more like "our", but it always bothered me that it didn't flow as well. So there you have it.One rewrite, coming right up. Cam

[kitz]

Man Cam, I don't know if it's the New York cold or what - but I got chills when I heard this. On both listens!! I love the vocal and the lyrics and the melody and everything!!!Adrienne has something here in that the first chorus takes a long time to reach. Not that "I" mind but the screeners may also have an issue. The format you have is 4 verses, chorus then 3 verses chorus. You might try taking the 4th verse from the 1st half of the song and making it into a bridge later in the song - that gives you 3 verses, 1 chorus, 3 verses, 1 chorus without the bridge. That may cause you to have to change the chorus to "I can't help remembering" to keep the tense straight but it seems to work in my feable mind and might even have a stronger impact. As far as lengthening the chorus... It's worth a try.Keep 'em coming Cam, I love this one!!Kitz

[cameron]

Very nice of you Kitz. Damn... it must be real cold up there right now. Hopefully it wasn't the kind of chills you get when someone drags fingernails on a chalkboard! Not sure yet how I'm going change the structure. I'm thinking to drop the last verse before each chorus. Stay tuned!Cam

[kitz]

Cam,It's not THAT cold up here. I think it was the song and by no means the chalkboard scenario.I REALLY like the last verse before the 2nd chorus. Unless anybody else chimes in to the contrary I would say keep that one and make the last verse before your 1st chorus into a bridge. I hate having to write bridges - they seem so unnatural but they can also be the thing that takes you far away before bringing you back home.Take this with a grain of salt on your shot glass of tequila...Kitz