New re-write--please comment

[heinsite]

hi folks,i've rewritten an older tune of mine, and would like your comments, in a strange way, it's kinda OK for a christmas tune, though more singer/songwriter--many thanks to willie t. (William Thomas Anderson aka wta) for his production, instrumentation and vocals, and tolerating me!)http://www.taximusic.com/download/19525 ... nal.mp3The Graveyard ShiftVerse 1In this blurry cafe, I write a song that doesn't fitWhen daylight comes it'll be my time to quitTonight I have dinosaur eyesBut I'm no T-Rex man, I won't slowly dieAnother napkin attemptTo write something the world might likeBut in this hour can I get it right?It's the graveyard shiftChorus 1That pretty waitress called me angelCan I find the nerve to talk to her?And was that her skirt that brushed my table?Love at first sight, or for a bigger tip?Hell who knowsIt's the graveyard shiftVerse 2When it's added all up, I'd buy my own story againWhen it's added all up, I'd get a 7, no an 8 out of 10'Cuz I'm the fool who limped that extra mileI'm the drooling suburb hero clicking through life's turnstilesThis might be a helluva stretch,When it's time for God's flashlightWill I be half bad or just half right?In this graveyard shiftChorus 2Outside the hobo talks to angelsHe smiles and nods when our eyes meetHe seems to recognize my tableAs if he once dined where I now sitIt's too ironicEven for the graveyard shiftOutroIt's the graveyard shiftIt's the graveyard shift, etc...

[wta]

Oh, cool I get first review! this tune was a real privilage to work on, the imagery is really outstanding and the overall message is really dear to me. Working with W. is always entertaining and never boring. His ideas are out of the box but totally on the mark (well most of them... LOL!). This is the second tune now we've worked on together and I have to say this one has out done So Alone Tonight by a hair. You will NEVER get the depth of this tune in one play! This kinda depth, hell I'm still finding new stuff and I've been through it more than anyone human may ever... I find the mix tight and builds with instruments playing tag with each other with a few suprises and yet an overall sense that when you get to the end, its complete. I am REALLY stoked about the tone and feel of those guitar tracks, tracking acoustics is so hard, so to get something with action in all the freqs is exciting. The harmonica tracks also where simple but I really loved laying then down, just made the last chorus and outro for me as a listener. By far the most amazing part of the tune for me is that 2nd chorus, now taking personalities out of the equation, that 2nd chorus freeken is AMAZING! The whole tune sets up that piece of brilliance for sure but it really nails home this tune for me. Anyway it was very cool to work on this piece, it really took me to places I'd never dream of on my own and thats one of the cool pleasures to working with talented artists... Brilliant tune Heinzy, well done. wta

[geo]

Hi guys... cool stuff.... Warren I recall the earlier version.... like the treatment... harps wailing at the end ... acoustic sounds nice... though I would have liked the strumming to build at the end a bit.... Urge OverKill!!! That's who it reminds me of.... dug them... one hitters but cool sound....I think you have an AABA song here without the B, break.... since your choruses have different lyrics and end on the same line they give the feel more of verses with the hook at the end... I like the structure and use it often.... but a break would be cool.... though I admit to have written several break-less songs... Lyrics are way cool Warren.... not crazy about the T-Rex part.... but everything else is cool....God's flashlight part is great stuff!!!Great Work guys!!!Peace, Geo

[ideascapes]

Warren,Great to hear these collaborations here. Definitely an interesting lyric with some great phrases--dinosaur eyes; napkin attempt; Love at first sight, or for a bigger tip...and Graveyard Shift is a great title.I took William's advice--since he was the guitarist, I think--and listened more than once. The guitars are well recorded. The harp and harmony vocals near the end definitely add a nice texture.Objectively, I think the biggest issue is the vocal sound. My guess is it was recorded in a small room with lots of reflective things (wood, glass)...or at least that's the perception. I only mention it because the harshness detracts from the song. You might be able to fix it (if you even want to) with a pretty wide EQ cut centered around 2.5 kHz. Or did EQ create the sound--did you cut a lot of bottom or add mid-highs?HTH!Vince

[wta]

Vince, Mmm, no the vocals where recorded in an iso booth. I can make the vocals sound as soft as needed, it was set to taste... How many different/what type of monitoring systems did you use to draw your conclusion? wta

[teleblaster]

Nice work! Interesting/original lyrics and arrangement. I agree with the comment about the vocal treatment. I think it would benefit from a different approach, a softer and longer 'verb, and maybe just a touch of some tempo delay (you'll want to duck it out between phrases w/automation).Couple nits : 1) I would have liked to hear a different strumming pattern incorporated in the chorus2) The guitar seemed a tad harsh to me; something seemed clicky appeared in the 2.6Khz range. (BTW: I'm listening on my laptop using a good set of ear buds.)Fun tune; best of luck with this!Cheers

[billg]

This is so OUT THERE! I remember the original also. It does sound a little hot somewhere between the 2-3k. Harp add a cool haunting quality. Warren, one day you're going to have a very "exotic" album finished (and I mean that in a good way)-

[heinsite]

thank you all for your comments on this one, geo happy holiday btw, and blaster and vince, thank you for listening and the comments--most of them are over my head!! i just do everything by ear, which can be not such a good idea....well, this was a challenge like them all. poor willie (as opposed to willie and the poor boys...poor boy is ME--LOL) had to not deal with decibal levels with me, because on my computer/systems--long story--i just have to go by % percentages i heard with my ears, when i bounced back the 50 or so changes to each track, like telling him "20 percent more to the center, reverb that by 10% more..." and that would be mostly all on me and my ears and he did what i tried to tell him...it took days, as it always does whether some of you more pro writers are in the studio or at home trying the same....anyway, that aint no excuse, just how it shook out. by 9 last night we both thought we were about as done as we could be, but we both knew/know we can adjust what may need adjusteing, so i posted it.--now on the vocal, from the first cut i asked and he delivered a bit "rougher" than even you've heard vocal--hell, i wanted a singer/songer writer almost coffee house feel to this, he recorded it MANY times and had the same challenges trying to listen to a non-musician telling him what to do. but i picked his voice for this because of it's unique style--his style again fit one of my songs, and i'm happy i did. now with the levels, we'll talk about it, and with fresh ears i'll listen again today...but as of now, i'm happy as a clam with this. --on the organ bottom (my idea) and the harp (willie's idea) he did by % guessing by yours truly just what i wanted, where i wanted it, the volumes, the FX, with the understanding that we can "fix" anythng serious later....so again, any big problems are my doing, and him doing what i wanted to keep the customer satisfied...so bottom line, the tune is 100% better than my first version, though if i posted mine you'd say "heck yeah, thats the tune for sure". the question is, will it pass the taxi screener muster for ANY genre/listing? i don't know, there is nothing i've been submitting that has had that good fortune. but we keep on trying.thank you all, and i look forward to any more comments--willie understands the technocal stuff, i'm just the writer with good ears...i'm gunna listen again this morning because of your comments, but willie did a great job with this, and just what i asked him to do, so....the best,warren

[heinsite]

thanks billy--i know you mean it in a good way. see above and the challenges working with a musically challenged dude like myself--LOL--but somehow i get these done. so what PERCENT--LOL--would that 2-3K be, and what the hell does it mean?all the best,wh

[wta]

Thanks for the listen guys and tips. The vocals are as close to clean as possible. There is a touch of overall reverb and some fx bus delay but thats panned so it doesn't effect what you're hearing up the middle. I'm going to have a check with my spectrum analizer on the mid highs. Its a fine line to get the vocas out front but not to edgy. I want as little reverb as possible, its good in very small amounts but a long verb will wash the vocals for sure. Just a touch of eqing will soften up most issues, easy as Sunday morning...