New re-write--please comment

[heinsite]

hi folks,i've rewritten an older tune of mine, and would like your comments, in a strange way, it's kinda OK for a christmas tune, though more singer/songwriter--many thanks to willie t. (William Thomas Anderson aka wta) for his production, instrumentation and vocals, and tolerating me!)http://www.taximusic.com/download/19525 ... nal.mp3The Graveyard ShiftVerse 1In this blurry cafe, I write a song that doesn't fitWhen daylight comes it'll be my time to quitTonight I have dinosaur eyesBut I'm no T-Rex man, I won't slowly dieAnother napkin attemptTo write something the world might likeBut in this hour can I get it right?It's the graveyard shiftChorus 1That pretty waitress called me angelCan I find the nerve to talk to her?And was that her skirt that brushed my table?Love at first sight, or for a bigger tip?Hell who knowsIt's the graveyard shiftVerse 2When it's added all up, I'd buy my own story againWhen it's added all up, I'd get a 7, no an 8 out of 10'Cuz I'm the fool who limped that extra mileI'm the drooling suburb hero clicking through life's turnstilesThis might be a helluva stretch,When it's time for God's flashlightWill I be half bad or just half right?In this graveyard shiftChorus 2Outside the hobo talks to angelsHe smiles and nods when our eyes meetHe seems to recognize my tableAs if he once dined where I now sitIt's too ironicEven for the graveyard shiftOutroIt's the graveyard shiftIt's the graveyard shift, etc...